Animal jokes (1861 to 1875)

The Elephant and the Tiger

An elephant was walking through the jungle one day when he

heard something. He turned around and saw a tiger following

him and eating his droppings. The elephant turned and said,

"What the hell are you doing, eating my crap?"

The tiger replied, "I just ate a lawyer, and I'm trying to

get rid of the taste."

I don't have an attitude prob

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the gutsto bite people themselves.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
I have not yet begun to procrastinate.
I don't suffer from stress. I'm just a carrier.
Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

Where's your homework?

Johnny, where's your homework?" Miss Martin said sternly to the little boy while holding out her hand.

"My dog ate it," was his solemn response.

"Johnny, I've been a teacher for eighteen years. Do you really expect me to believe that?"

"It's true, Miss Martin, I swear," insisted Johnny. "I had to force him, but he ate it!

 Elephant Jokes 06

What's the difference between an injured elephant and bad weather?
One roars with pain and the other pours with rain!

What's the difference between an elephant and a post box?
I don't know!
Well I'm not asking you to post my letters!

What's the difference between an elephant and a bad pupil?
One rarely bites and the other barely writes!

How to you tell the difference between an elephant and a mouse?
Try picking them up!

What's the difference between an elephant and a piece of paper?
You can't make a paper aeroplane out of an elephant!

What's the difference between an elephant and a banana?
Have you ever tried to peel an elephant?

What's the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant?
About 3,000 miles!

What's the difference between an elephant and a gooseberry?
A gooseberry is green!

The Redneck Animal Park

A small redneck Wild Animal Park had acquired a very rare

species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla

became very "in the

mood", and difficult to handle.

Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the

problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse,

there were no male gorillas of the species available. While

reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed

Ed, a part-time redneck intern, responsible for cleaning the

animals' cages.

Ed, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed

ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY species. So, the

park administrators thought

they might have a solution. Ed was approached with a

proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the

gorilla for $500?

Ed showed some interest, but said he would have to think the

matter over carefully.

The following day, Ed announced that he would accept their

offer, but only under three conditions. "First," he said, "I

don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly, you must never

tell anyone about this." The park administration quickly

agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third

condition. "Well," said Ed, "You gotta give me another week

to come up with the $500."

Q: What did the buffalo say to

Q: What did the buffalo say to her child as he left for school?
A: "Bison!" (bye son)

Three football teams (Arsnel,

Three football teams (Arsnel, Liverpool, and Hartsfield) are flying from England across Egypt for a match in the Middle East. Their plane crashes in the desert and they survive. After days of wandering, they are really hungry so when they come across a camel, the footballers decide to kill it and eat it. The Liverpool team says, "Because we play for Liverpool, will we eat the liver." The Hartsfield players decide, "Because we play for Hartsfield, we will eat the heart." Arsnel says, "I think we might go hungry..."

Teacher: Does any one of you k

Teacher: Does any one of you know what a comet is?
John: A comet is a star with a tail miss.
Teacher: Good answer, can you give an example?
John: Mickey Mouse.

 Indiana Crazy Law

One man may not back into a parking spot becasue it prevents police officers from seeing the license plate.

Baths may not be taken between the months of October and March.

All males 18 to 50 years old must work six days a year on public roads.

Mustaches are illegal if the bearer has a tendency to habitually kiss other humans.

Hotel sheets must be exactly 99 inches long and 81 inches wide.

State government officials who engage in private duels can be dismissed from their post.

Drinking from your own bottle in a bar can lead to your arrest.

A man over the age of 18 may be arrested for statutory rape if the passenger in his car is not wearing her socks and shoes, and is under the age of 17.

It is illegal to sell cars on Sunday.

Drinks on the house are illegal.

It is illegal for a liquor store to sell cold soft drinks.

A person who dyes, stains, or otherwise alters the natural coloring of a bird or rabbit commits a Class B misdemeanor. (Ind. Code 15-2.1-21-13(b)

Smoking in the state legislature building is banned, except when the legislature is in session.

Liquor stores may not sell milk.

Check forgery can be punished with public flogging up to 100 stripes.

Grocery stores may not sell any type of cold liquor.

You can get out of paying for a dependent's medical care by praying for him/her.

Pedestrians crossing the highway at night are prohibited from wearing tail lights.

No one may catch a fish with his bare hands.

Men are prohibited from standing in a bar.

You are not allowed to carry a cocktail from the bar to a table. The waiter or waitress has to do it.

"Spiteful Gossip" and "talking behind a person's back" are illegal.

You are required to pour your drink into a glass.

It is against the law to pass a horse on the street.

If any person has a puppet show, wire dancing or tumbling act in the state of Indiana and receives money for it, they will be fined $3 under the Act to Prevent Immoral Practices.

Anyone 14 or older who profanely curses, damns or swears by the name of God, Jesus Christ or the Holy Ghost, shall be fined one to three dollars for each offense, with a maximum fine of ten dollars per day.

A three dollar fine per pack will be imposed on anyone playing cards in Indiana under the Act for the Prevention of Gaming.

The value of Pi is 4, and not 3.1415. (Repealed)

Auburn

It is illegal to bike, roller-skate, skateboard, or inline skate in a commercially zoned area. For these offesnses, there is a fine of no more than $5 or the impounding of one's bicycle for a period not to exceed 30 days.

Beech Grove

It is forbidden to eat watermelon in the park.

Elkhart

It is illegal for barbers to threaten to cut off kid's ears.

Evansville

While driving on Main Street you may not have your lights on.

Fort Wayne

You may not sell or play on a radio broadcast, the record "It`s In the Book".

Gary

Within four hours of eating garlic, a person may not enter a movie house, theater, or ride a public streetcar.

South Bend

It is illegal to make a monkey smoke a cigarette.

Terre Haute

No one may spit on the sidewalk.

#joke #policeman #animal #horse #rabbit #monkey #bird #fish #fruit #watermelon #food #garlic #eating #drinks #milk

Q: What do you call a bear wit

Q: What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A: A gummy bear.

Hunting Elephants

I hate it when people see me at the super market & they are like: Hey what are you doing here? And i'm just like: “Oh you know, hunting elephants.”

Moral of the story....

A missionary, in Africa, was out taking a walk in the jungle. Suddenly, he heard a noise from the brush in front of him. It was a lion. He started to back up and heard a noise from behind. Sure enough, it was another lion. He looked to his left and then to his right. You guessed it, lions were on both sides. It looked grim, so the missionary sat down where he was and started to read his Bible. Shortly after he started reading, the lions jumped the missionary and ate him.

Moral of the story: Never read between the lions.

 He Is A Very Smart Dog

I went to the cinema the other day and in the front row was an old man and with him was his dog. It was a sad funny kind of film, you know the type. In the sad part, the dog cried his eyes out, and in the funny part, the dog laughed its head off. This happened all the way through the film. After the film had ended, I decided to go and speak to the man.
"That's the most amazing thing I've seen," I said. "That dog really seemed to enjoy the film."
The man turned to me and said, "Yeah, it is. He hated the book."

Chicken coop doors

Q: Why does a chicken coop only have two doors?

A: Because if it had four, it would be chicken sedan.

“A friend of mine fou

“A friend of mine found out he has the bird flu. He thinks he was a victim of fowl plague.”