Animal jokes (2446 to 2460)Jokes about animals. These are the jokes listed 2446 to 2460. |
Redneck Medical Terms
Benign - What you be, after you be eight.
Artery - The study of paintings
Bacteria - Back door to cafeteria
Barium - what doctors do when patients die
Cesarean section - a neighborhood in Rome
Cat scan - searching for kitty
Cauterize - made eye contact with her
Colic - a sheep dog
coma- a punctuation mark
D & C - Where Washington is
Dilate - to live long
Enema - Not a friend
Fester - quicker than someone else
Fibula - a small lie
Genital - a non-Jewish person
GI series - world series of military baseball
Hangnail - what you hang your coat on
Impotent - distinguished, well-known
Labor pain - getting hurt at work
medical staff - a doctor's cane
Morbid - a higher offer
Nitrates - cheaper than day rates
Node - I knew it
Outpatient - a person who has fainted
Pap Smear - A fatherhood test
Pelvis - second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative - a letter carrier
Recovery room - place to do upholstery
Rectum - darn near killed him
Secretion - hiding something
Seizure - a Roman emperor
Tablet - a small table
Terminal Illness - getting sick at the airport
Tumor - one plus one more
Urine - opposite of you're out
Varicose - nearby / close by
Vocabulary
Accountant - Someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing. Auditor - Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
Banker - The fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. (Mark Twain)
Economist - An expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.
Statistician - Someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.
Actuary - Someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.
Programmer - Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
Mathematician - A blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there.
Lawyer - A person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief."
Psychologist - A man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.
Schoolteacher - A disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.
Consultant - Someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.
Diplomat - Someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
A man is fishing and he catche
A man is fishing and he catches a crocodile. The crocodile tells him, "Please let me go! I'll grant you any wish you desire." The man says, "Okay, I wish my penis could touch the ground." The crocodile then bites his legs off.
Two Elderly Gentlemen
Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided they needed to visit a cat-house for some tail..... When they arrived, the madam took one look at them and decided she wasn't going to waste any of her girls on these two old men.
So she used "blow-up" dolls instead. She put the dolls in each man's room and left them to their business. After the two men were finished, they started walking home and began to talking. The first man said, "I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked or even groaned... how was it for you?"
The second man replied, "I think mine was a witch. When I nibbled on her breast..... she farted and flew out the window!"
The only cow in a small Kentuc
The only cow in a small Kentucky town stopped giving milk. The people didsome research and found that they could buy a cow just across the stateline in Illinois for $200.They brought the cow from Illinois and the cow was wonderful. It producedlots of milk all of the time, and the people were very happy.
They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cowslike it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.However, whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would moveaway. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away fromthe bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upsetand decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do.
They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull tries to mountour cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she movesforward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An attemptfrom the side, she walks away to the other side."
The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you by chance, buythis cow in Illinois?"
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where theybought the cow. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you knowwe got the cow in Illinois?"
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is fromIllinois."
A man took his wife to the rod...
A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls.They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,
"This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."
They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year. " The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."
They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's rib, said, "That's once a day.You could REALLY learn something from this one."
The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow."
Bill Gates In Hell
Bill Gates dies and goes to Hell. Satan greets him and says, "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever."
Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of fine wine sitting on a table. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner.
Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option."
"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room.
Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer.
"That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all?!?"
"That's what everyone thinks," snickered Satan. "But the bottle has a hole in it!"
"Why the PC?", he continued, ""It's got the latest version of Windows and it's missing three keys!"
"Which three?" said Lucifer.
"Control, Alt and Delete!"
Why should you do what a polic
Why should you do what a police dog with pups wants you to do?Because you should obey the "litter of the law".
The best Norm quotes from "Cheers"!
'What's shaking Norm?''All four cheeks & a couple of chins.'
'What's new Normie?'
'Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach & they're demanding beer.'
'What'd you like Normie?'
'A reason to live. Give me another beer.'
'What'll you have Normie?'
'Well, I'm in a gambling mood Sammy. I'll take a glass of whatever comes out of that tap.'
'Looks like beer, Norm.'
'Call me Mister Lucky.'
'Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?'
'Like a baby treats a diaper.'
'What's the story Mr. Peterson?'
'The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery. Let's cut to the happy ending.'
'Hey Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you.'
'I know; if she calls, I'm not here.'
'Beer, Norm?'
'Have I gotten that predictable? Good.'
'What's going on Mr. Peterson?'
'A flashing sign in my gut that says, 'Insert beer here.''
'Whatcha up to Norm?'
'My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall.'
'How's it going Mr. Peterson?'
'Poor.'
'I'm sorry to hear that.'
'No, I mean POUR!'
'How's life treating you Norm?'
'Like it caught me sleeping with its wife.'
'Women. Can't live with 'em....pass the beer-nuts.'
'What's going down, Normie?'
'My butt cheeks on that bar stool.'
'Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?'
'Alright, but stop me at one....make that one-thirty.'
'How's it going Mr. Peterson?'
'It's a dog eat dog world, Woody & I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear.'
'What's the story Norm?'
'Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer.'
'What's going on Mr. Peterson?'
'The question is what's going IN, Mr. Peterson?
'A beer please, Woody.'
'Can I pour you a beer Mr. Peterson?'
'A little early isn't it, Woody?'
'For a beer?'
'No. For a stupid question'
Lightbulb Joke Collection 96
Q: How many firemen does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four--one to change the bulb and three to cut a hole in the roof.
Q: How many mutants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two thirds.
Q: How many waiters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, even a burned out bulb can't catch a waiter's eye.
Q: How many waitresses does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. Two to stand around complaining about it and one to go get the manager.
Q: How many Contras does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but he doesn't know where it came from.
Note: Topical to the 1987 Iran/Contra hearings.
Q: How many Contras does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but he needs one Iranian, one Israeli, four Canadians, and Arab, twenty Swiss, and Afghan, and Oliver North to help him.
Note: Topical to the 1987 Iran/Contra hearings.
Q: How many loggers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but he uses a chainsaw.
Q: How many loggers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: They can't do it, the light will disturb the spotted owls.
Note : Topical to successful environmentalist pressures to stop logging in the NW U.S. to protect the endangered spotted owl species.
