Animal jokes (2476 to 2490)Jokes about animals. These are the jokes listed 2476 to 2490. |
Pet Monkey
Guy in a bar playing pool has a pet monkey. Monkey jumps onto the table, grabs the cue ball and stuffs it into his mouth and swallows it. Bartender freaks and starts yelling about how much cue balls cost , etc. The guy tries to calm him down and tells him the monkey will pass it in the next day or so and he'll wash it off real well and bring it back.
Sure enough the guy and the monkey come back into the bar and gave the bartender his cue ball back. Meanwhile the monkey reaches into the peanut bowl, grabs a nut, sticks it in his butt--then eats it. The bartender stares at the monkey who continues to repeat this action again and again. So he asks the guy, "what's up with that?"
"What?"
"your monkey keeps grabbing peanuts one at a time and sticking them in his butt then eating them."
"Oh, that---well, ever since the pool ball incident, he has to measure everything before he eats it."
A chicken and an egg are lying
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette,with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit pissedoff, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says,
"Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!"
Two buddies were sharing drink
Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives."Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?"
"Well... not exactly." his friend replied. "She's more into the trick dog aspect of it."
"Oh, I see, kinky, huh?"
"Well... not exactly... I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead."
THE CAT:
One da
THE CAT:
One day, a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven, where he meets the Lord Himself.
The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life, and if there is any way I can make your stay in heaven more comfortable, please let me know."
The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor."
The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and a wonderful, fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident, and all of them go to heaven.
Again, the Lord is there to greet them with the same offer.
The mice answer, "All our lives we have been chased.
We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms.
Running, running, running; we're tired of running.
Do you think we could have roller skates so that we don't have to run anymore?"
The Lord says, "Say no more" and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.
Week later, the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow.
The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since you got here?"
The cat stretches and yawns, then replies, "It is wonderful here.
Better than I could have ever expected. And those 'Meals On Wheels' you've been sending by are the best!"
Better Prison Foods
Subject: You Deserve a Break Today
San Francisco (UPI)--In what legal observers are already calling a landmark decision in the case of Jackson v. California, the California Supreme Court has recognized for the first time a constitutional right to chicken done right.
The high court held that under the the due process clause and the constitutional prohibition of cruel and unusual punishment, Joseph Jackson, a prisoner at the California Men's Correctional Institue at Camarillo, is entitled to food "of fair average quality," or "comparable to the fare at a modest restaurant or fast-food chain."
Mr. Jackson had complained of the poor quality of the prison kitchen's Coq au Vin ....
Miscellaneous Terms
Arbitrator \\ar'-bi-tray-ter\\: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.
Avoidable \\uh-voy'-duh-buhl\\: What a bullfighter tries to do.
Baloney \\buh-lo'-nee\\: Where some hemlines fall.
Bernadette \\burn'-a-det\\: The act of torching a mortgage.
Burglarize \\bur'-gler-ize\\: What a crook sees with.
Counterfeiters \\kown-ter-fit-ers\\: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
Eclipse \\e-klips'\\: What an English barber does for a living.
Eyedropper \\i'-drop-ur\\: A clumsy ophthalmologist.
Heroes \\hee'-rhos\\: What a guy in a boat does.
Left Bank \\left' bangk'\\: What the robber did when his bag was full of loot.
Misty \\mis'-tee\\: How golfers create divots.
Paradox \\par'-uh-doks\\: Two physicians.
Parasites \\par'-uh-sites\\: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
Pharmacist \\farm'-uh-sist\\: A helper on the farm.
Polarize \\po'-lur-ize\\: What penguins see with.
Biker's Dog
A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?"
A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?"
"Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir."
"What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the hell kind of dog do you have?"
"Sir," answered the little man, "it's a little four week old female puppy."
"Bull!" roared the biker, "how could your puppy kill my Doberman?"
"It appears that your dog choked on her, sir."
A jeweler watched as a huge tr
A jeweler watched as a huge truck pulled up in front of his store. The back came down and an elephant walked out. It broke one of the windows with its tusk and then, using its trunk like a vacuum cleaner sucked up all of the jewelry. The elephant then got back in the truck and it disappeared out of sight.When the jeweler finally regained his senses he called the police. The detectives came and he told them his story.
"Could you describe the elephant?" the cop asked.
"An elephant is an elephant," he replied. "You've seen one you've seen them all. What do you mean 'describe' him?"
"Well," said the policeman, "there are two types of elephants, African and Indian. The Indian elephant has smaller ears and is not as large as the African elephant."
"I can't help you out," said the frustrated jeweler, "he had a stocking pulled over his head."
Because he said ...
R
Because he said ...My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!
A hooker once told me she had a headache!
If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
I was making love to this girl and she started crying I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'
My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
The other day I came home early and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?'He said, 'Because you came home early.'
My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.
I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.
My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.
My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from Chicago last night.
My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.
Elephant fart
Four farmers were seated at the bar in a tavern. At the table next to them sat a young girl.
The first man said, "I think it's WOOMB." The second replied, "No, it must be WOOOOMBH." The third said, "You both have it wrong -- it's WOOM." The fourth stated, "No, it has to be WOOMMMMBBB."
At this, the young lady could stand it no longer. She got up, walked over to the farmers and said, "Look, you hayseeds, it's WOMB. That's it, that's all there is to it." Then she left.
Eventually, one of the famers broke the silence by saying, "Well, I don't know. A slip of a girl like that, I don't see how she could know. I'll bet she's never even heard an elephant fart!"
What did the seal say when it swam into a concrete wall?
Q: What did the seal say when it swam into a concrete wall?
A: "Dam!"
Q: What does a seal get from sitting on the ice too long at the zoo?
A: Polaroids!
Q: What did the baby seal say when it was late?
A: "I would have been here sooner, but my iceberg hit a ship."
Q: What's a balanced diet for a polar bear?
A: A seal in each paw!
Advice from children...
1. Never trust a dog to watch your food. - Patrick, age 10 2. When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?' don't answer him. - Michael, 14
3. Never tell your mom her diet's not working. - Michael, 14
4. Stay away from prunes. - Randy, 9
5. Never pee on an electric fence. - Robert, 13
6. Don't squat with your spurs on. - Noronha, 13
7. Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to. - Emily, 10
8. When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair. - Taylia, 11
9. Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment. - Traci, 14
10. Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time. - Kyoyo, 9
11. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. - Armir, 9
12. Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick. - Lauren, 9
13. Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat. - Joel, 10
14. When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone. - Alyesha, 13
15. Never try to baptize a cat. - Eileen, 8
Knock Knock Collection 061
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Esther!
Esther who?
Esther anything I can do for you!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ether!
Ether who?
Ether bunny!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Etta!
Etta who?
Ettaquette!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Eugenie!
Eugenie who?
Eugenie from the bottle who will grant me three wishes?
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Eunice!
Eunice who?
Eunice boy, let me in!
