Animal jokes (2746 to 2760)Jokes about animals. These are the jokes listed 2746 to 2760. |
Fun at the zoo!
Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.
"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.
"Great," Little Johnny replied.
"Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother.
"Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"
A Christian Puppy
A Baptist couple decide that they want to get a dog. As they are walking down the street in town, they notice that a sign in the pet shop is advertising "Christian Puppies." Their interest piqued, they go inside."How do you know they're Christian puppies?"
"Watch," says the owner, as he takes one of the dogs and says, "Fetch the Bible." The dog runs over to the desk, and grabs the Bible in its mouth and returns. Putting the Bible on the floor, the owner says, "Find Psalm 23." The dog flips pages with its paw until he reaches the right page, and then stops. Amazed and delighted, the couple purchase the dog and head home.
That evening, they invite some friends over and show them the dog, having him run through his Psalm 23 routine. Impressed, one of the visitors asks "Does he also know 'regular' commands?"
"Gee, we don't know. We didn't ask," replies the husband.
Turning to the dog, he says, "Sit." The dog sits. He says, "Lie down." The dog lies down. He says "Roll over." The dog rolls over.
He says "Heel." The dog runs over to him, jumps up on the sofa, puts both paws on the owner's forehead and bows his head.
"Oh look!" the wife exclaims. "He's PENTECOSTAL!"
How Many Dogs does it Take to Screw in a Light Bulb?
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?Border Collie: Just one. And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
Dachshund: I can't reach the stupid lamp!
Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
Rottweiler: Go Ahead! Make me!
Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. Let the servants. . . .
Lab: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?
Malamute: Let the Border collie do it.. You can feed me while he's busy.
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.
Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.
Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
Irish Wolfhound: Can somebody else do it? I've got a hangover.
Pointer: I see it, there it is, right there...
Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
Birds of a feather flock toget
Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dogrun to the end of his chain and gag himself.
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
A penny saved is a government oversight.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at theright time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by thenyour body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy areplacement.
He who hesitates is probably right.
Did you ever notice:
The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are " XL."
If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind toblame.
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he'sreally in trouble.
There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look forit. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinklesdon't hurt.
Did you ever notice:
When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs."
A Collection Of Insults
A brief synopsis... When you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Jokes.Doesn't have his belt through all the loops.
Doesn't have sixteen annas to the rupee.
Doesn't have the brain power to toast a crouton.
Doesn't have the sense God gave an animal cracker.
Doesn't have two neurons to rub together.
Doesn't just know nothing; doesn't even suspect much.
Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair. -- Billing
Doesn't know which side the toast is buttered on.
Doesn't put the cross-hairs on the target.
Doesn't quite sample at the Nyquist rate.
Doesn't suffer from ear pressure when flying at altitude.
Donated her body to scientists... Before she was done using it.
Downhill skiing in Iowa.
Driveway doesn't quite reach the garage.
Driving at night with the lights off.
I used to eat a lot of natural...
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Once there was a golfer whose...
Once there was a golfer whose drive landed on an anthill. Rather than move the ball, he decided to hit it where it lay. He gave a mighty swing. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants exploded from the spot. Everything but the golfball. It sat in the same spot.So he lined up and tried another shot. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants went flying again. The golf ball didn't even wiggle.
Two ants survived. One dazed ant said to the other, "Whoa! What are we going to do?"
Said the other ant: "I don't know about you, but I'm going to get on the ball."
Flea Jokes 01
What is the most faithful insect?
A flea, once they find someone they like they stick to them!
What insect runs away from everything?
A flee!
What is the difference between a flea and a wolf?
One prowls on the hairy and the other howls on the prairie!
What to you call a Russian flea?
A Moscow-ito!
Two fleas where running across the top of a cereal packet?
"Why are we running so fast?
" said one
Because it says "Tear along the dotted line"
What do you call a flea that lives in an idiots ear?
A space invader!
What do you get if you cross a rabbit and a flea?
Bugs Bunny!
How do you start an insect race?
One, two, flea - go!
How do you find where a flea has bitten you?
Start from scratch!
What is a flea's favorite book?
The itch-hikers guide to the galaxy!
Vampires
There were these two vampires talking. One says to the other, "I heard on TV that wine is good for the health." The other one said, "Well, let's go to Italy, then. The Italians drink lots of wine."
So they go to Italy, stand on the bridge and wait. A woman walks by, the vampires kill her, drink her blood and throw the body over the bridge.
A few minutes later, a man walks by. They kill him, drink his blood and throw his body over the bridge.
Then another man comes along, and they kill him too.
Just as they were about to throw the body over the bridge, they hear a voice singing.
The two vampires look down to see an alligator under the bridge, singing, "Drained wops keep falling on my head..."
Smart puppy
A guy went to the cinema one day and noticed an old man with a dog in the front row. It was a sad, funny kind of film and the guy noticed that during the sad parts the dog cried his eyes out, and during the funny parts, the dog laughed its head off.
This happened throughout the film. After the film ended, the guy decided to go and speak to the old man.
"That's the most amazing thing I've seen," he said. "That dog really seemed to enjoy the film."
The old man turned to him and said: "Yeah, it is amazing. He hated the book."
What's a turkey's favorite ...
What's a turkey's favorite song? "I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas"
The Top 13 Signs You're Not at the Real Senate Impeachment Hearings
13. Videotaped "deposition" consists solely of Sharon Stone
crossing and uncrossing her legs.
12. Judge Judy unleashes a stern tongue-lashing, telling
everyone to "just grow up."
11. Senator Moe's frequent outbursts of "Why, I oughtta..."
10. Presiding Judge is wearing four gold stripes. And
nothing BUT stripes.
9. Mandatory line dancing between votes.
8. Ten minutes into Hamburgler's testimony, you realize
"Mayor McCheese" *isn't* a tacky name for Bill Clinton.
7. 15 minute recess involves a slide and monkey bars.
6. Strom Thurmond just moved.
5. George Will is presiding over the hearings and the "Rip
Clinton a New Rectum" motion just passed.
4. No "Eau de Kennedy."
3. All testimony submitted in the form of a dirty limerick.
2. For $20, "Monica" allows anyone to play the part of
"Bill" during the re-enactment.
1. Only vote against impeachment? Senator John Bobbitt.
King Solomon's Menagerie
A Sunday school teacher asked little Susie, "Who's your favorite person in the Bible?"Susie said, "King Solomon."
"Can you tell us why?"
"Because he was so nice to ladies and to animals."
"What do you mean?"
"He had six hundred wives and three hundred porcupines."
- Joke shared by Beliefnet member Arkansasannie
