Animal jokes (2926 to 2940)Jokes about animals. These are the jokes listed 2926 to 2940. |
Alaskan Drunk Goes F
A drunk guy in Alaska decides to go ice fishing. So he packs up his stuff and goes out onto the ice.He starts sawing a hole in the ice, and a loud booming voice says, "YOU WILL FIND NO FISH UNDER THAT ICE!"
The drunk looks up, ignores it, and continues on. The voice repeats, "YOU WILL FIND NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
The drunk looks up and says, "God? Is this God trying to warn me?"
The voice says "NO, I'M THE MANAGER OF THIS ICE RINK."
Fish Jokes 03
Where are most fish found?
Between the head and the tail!
What kind of fish will help you hear better?
A herring aid!
What do fish sing to each other?
Salmon-chanted evening!
How does an octopus go to war?
Well-armed!
Where do you find a down-and-out octopus?
On squid row!
What do you get if you cross an abbot with a trout?
Monkfish!
What bit of fish doesn't make sense?
The piece of cod that passeth all understanding!
What is dry on the outside, filled with water and blows up buildings?
A fish tank!
What was the Tsar of Russia's favorite fish?
Tsardines!
What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus?
I wanna hold you hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand!
One Carat too Many
Two cuties were comparing notes concerning their latest boyfriends.The first said, "He took me to his condo in Ocean City and showed me all these expensive jewels. There was an emerald-cut diamond of at least five carats, a tennis bracelet of six carats, and even a wrist watch with eleven carats."
"Impressive."
said the second young thing.
"Well... yes."
the first agreed.
"But the downside was that with all those carats, he expected me to behave like a rabbit."
The golf challange...
The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel. "Your Holiness", said one of his Cardinals, Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths."
The Pope thought this was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand. "Don't we have a Cardinal to represent me?" he asked.
"None that plays very well," a Cardinal replied. "But," he added, "there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal, then ask him to play Mr. Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition, to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match."
Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. "I have some good news and some bad news, your Holiness, " said the golfer.
"Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.
"Well, your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous.
"There's bad news?", the Pope asked.
"Yes," Nicklaus sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by seven strokes."
A boy with a monkey on his sho...
A boy with a monkey on his shoulder was walking down the road when he passed a policeman who said, "Now, now young lad, I think you had better take that monkey the zoo." The next day, the boy was walking down the road with the monkey on his shoulder again, when he passed the same policeman. The policeman said, "Hey there, I thought I told you to take that money to the zoo!" The boy answered, "I did! Today I'm taking him to the cinema."Railroad
A man who had spent his whole life in the desert visited a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the RR tracks, he heard a whistle, but didn't know what it was. Predictably, he's hit and is thrown, ass-over-tea-kettle, to the side of the tracks, with some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.
After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house attending a party. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the teakettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the teakettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what's happened and asks the desert man, "Why'd you ruin my good tea kettle?"
The desert man replies, "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small."
Computer Lingo Guide
Log on - Adding a log to your wood stove
Log off - Don't add a log to your wood stove
Monitor - Keep an eye on the wood stove
Megahertz - When a big log drops on your bare foot in the morning
Floppy disk - What you get from piling too much wood into your wood stove
Ram - The hydraulic machine that makes the woodsplitter work
Drive - Getting home during most of the winter to your wood stove
Hard drive - Trying to get home during a heavy snow storm
Prompt - What you wish the mail was during the snow season
Enter - Come on in
Windows - What you must shut when the temperature hits 10 below
Screen - What is a must during black fly season
Chip - What you munch during a football games
Microchip - What's left in the bag when the normal chips are gone
Modem - What you did to your fields last July
Dot Matrix - Eino Matrix's wife
Laptop - Where the grandkids sit
Keyboard - Where you're supposed to put the keys so the wife can find them
Software - Plastic picnic utensils
Mouse - What leaves those little turds in the cupboard
Mainframe - The part of the house that holds up the roof
Port - Where the commercial fishing boats dock
Random Access Memory - When you can't remember how much you spent on the new deer rifle when wife asks about it
You know it is time to reasses...
You know it is time to reassess your relationship withyour computer when....
1. You wake up at 4 O'clock in the morning to go to the bathroom and
stop to check your email on the way back to bed.
2. You turn off your computer and get an awful empty feeling, as if
you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
3. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just
for the free internet access.
4. You laugh at people with 28.8 modems.
5. You start using smileys :-) in your snail mail.
6. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word
processor.com
7. You can't correspond with your mother because she doesn't have a
computer.
8. When your email box shows "no new messages" and you feel really
depressed.
9. You don't know the gender of your three closest friends because they
have nondescript screen name and you never bothered to ask.
10. You move into a new house and you decide to "Netscape" before you
landscape.
11. Your family always knows where you are.
12. In real life conversations, you don't laugh, you just say "LOL, LOL".
13. After reading this message, you immediately forward it to a friend!
Bernie was invited to his frie...
Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, "That's really nice, that after all these years that you have been married, you keep calling your wife those pet names." Morris hung his head and whispered, "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name three years ago!"You Might Be A Redneck If 73
You might be a reneck if...
Duct tape and wire are the only two things holding your truck together.
Your bumper sticker reads "If you're missing your cat, look in my treads. "
You think the Gettysburg Address is where Lincoln lived.
You've ever parked your date next to a YIELD sign hoping she'd take the hint.
Your kids learned to shoot before they learned to walk.
You place a classified asking less than $1.
You think the freeway is the back door of the movie theater.
Higher math means counting over 10.
The lake has to be restocked after you take a bath.
You have a lucky rabbit's foot in your pocket and a lucky rabbit nailed above your fireplace.
14 signs your Kitty wants you dead
14. Seems mighty chummy with the dog all of a sudden.13. Unexplained calls to F. Lee Bailey's 900 number on your bill.
12. You find a stash of 'Feline of Fortune' magazines behind the couch.
11. Cyanide pawprints all over the house.
10. You wake up to find a bird's head in your bed.
9. As the wind blows over the grassy knoll in downtown Dallas, you get a faint whiff of catnip.
8. Droppings in litter box spell out 'REDRUM.'
7. Takes attentive notes every time 'Itchy and Scratchy' are on.
6. You find blueprints for a Rube Goldberg device that starts with a mouse chased into a hole and ends with flaming oil dumped on your bed.
5. Has taken a sudden interest in the wood chipper.
4. Instead of dead birds, leaves cartons of Marlboros on your doorstep.
3. Ball of yarn playfully tied into a hangman's noose.
2. You find a piece of paper labeled 'MY WIL' that reads 'LEEV AWL 2 KAT.'
1. Now sharpens claws on your car's brake lines.
