Animal jokes (3121 to 3135)

Blow-up dolls

Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided they needed to visit a cat-house for some tail..... When they arrived, the madam took one look at them and decided she wasn't going to waste any of her girls on these two old men.

So she used "blow-up" dolls instead. She put the dolls in each man's room and left them to their business.

After the two men were finished, they started for home and got to talking.

The first man said, "I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked or even groaned... how was it for you?"

The second man replied, "I think mine was a witch."

The first man asked, "How's that?" "Well," said the second man, "when I nibbled on her breast.....she farted and flew out the window!"

Adopted Turtle

Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground.
The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate.
“Dear,” she chirped, “I think it's time to tell him he's adopted.”

Hick computer terms

Redneck computer terms

Log On: Makin' the wood stove hotter.

Log Off: Don't add no wood.

Monitor: Keepin' an eye on the wood stove.

Download: Gettin' the firewood off the pickup.

Mega Hertz: When yer not careful down loadin'.

Floppy Disk: Whatcha git from pilin' too much firewood.

Ram: The hydrolic thingy that splits the firewood.

Hard Drive: Getting' home in the winter season.

Prompt: What you wish the mail was in the winter.

Windows: What to shut when it's below 15 below.

Screen: What 'cha need for the black fly season.

Byte: That's what the flies do.

Chip: What to munch on.

Micro Chip: What's left in the bottom of the bag.

Infrared: Where the left-overs go when Fred's around.

Modem: What 'cha did to the hay fields.

Dot Matrix: Farmer Matrix's wife.

Lap Top: Where little kids feel comfy.

Keyboard: Where ya hang your keys.

Software: Them plastic eatin' utensils.

Mouse: Whats eats the horses grain.

Main Frame: Hold up the barn roof.

Port: Fancy wine.

Enter: C'mon in.

Random Access Memory: You can't remember whatcha' paid for that new rifle when your wife asks.

Answering Machine Message 127

(Frantic violin music:) Hello. You have reached 435-3949. We are currently unable to answer because we are either chasing, or being chased by, bats. Please leave a message.

Fairy Godmother

A man walked into a pub with an Ostrich and a Pussy Cat.

He walked up the the bar and said, "Beer for me, beer for the ostrich, whisky for the cat."

They found a table, sat down and drank their drinks.

Next it was the ostrichs round. He walked up to the bar and said, "Beer for me, beer for the man, whisky for the cat."

He took the drinks back to the table and they drank them.

When it was the cat's turn to buy, he told them to "Fuck off!"

So the man went back to the bar and said, "Beer for me, beer for the ostrich, and whisky for the cat."

The barman was curious about this and said, "I notice that you and the ostrich have both bought a round but the cat hasn't. Why is this?"

The man replied, "I helped a little old lady across the road, and she turned out to be my Fairy Godmother. She granted me one wish."

"What did you wish for?" said the barman.

"I wished for a long legged bird with a tight pussy!"

Submitted by Glaci

Edited by Curtis

Visiting The Lawyer

A guy from Czechslovakia was visiting his cousin the lawyer in California, and they went for a hike in Yellowstone Park.
While they were hiking they were attacked by 2 bears, one male and one female. The male bear dismembered and ate the Czechslovakian guy, but the lawyer managed to escape.
He ran straight to the nearest Rangers station, and told them what had happened, and they sent out a group of rangers to see what was going on.
Sure enough, the Rangers arrived at the place that the lawyer mentioned, and there were the female and the male bears. So one of the Rangers took his rifle and shot the female.
So the other Rangers asked "why did you shoot the female? he said that the male ate his friend" So the Ranger answers "Would you believe a lawyer if he told you that the Czech is in the male?"

Hilarious advertising Goof Ups

Back to the Honeymoon

A couple married thirty years were revisiting the same places they went to on their honeymoon. Driving through the secluded countryside, they passed a ranch with a tall deer fence running along the road.
The woman said, "Sweetheart, let's do the same thing we did here thirty years ago."
The guy stopped the car. His wife backed against the fence, and they made love like never before.
Back in the car, the guy says, "Darling, you sure never moved like That thirty years ago, or any time since that I can remember!"
The woman says, "thirty years ago that fence wasn't electrified!"

You Might Be A Redneck If 03

You might be a redneck if...
There are more than five McDonald's bags currently on the floorboard of your car.
Momma taught you how to flip a cigarette.
There is a wasp nest in your living room.
The Home Shopping Channel operator recognizes your voice.
You give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday.
There has ever been crime-scene tape on your front door.
You burn your front yard rather than mow it.
You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
Fewer than half of your cars run.
You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.

Your dog bite?

There was a hound dog laying in the yard and an old geezer in overalls was sitting on the porch.

"Excuse me, sir, but does your dog bite?" the tourist asked.

The old man looked up over his newspaper and replied, "Nope."

As soon as the tourist stepped out of his car, the dog began snarling and growling, and then attacked both his arms and legs. As the tourist flailed around in the dust, he yelled, "I thought you said your dog didn't bite!"

The old man muttered, "Ain't my dog."

Apple and Worm

Q: What did the apple say to the worm?

A: You're boring me.

Horse for sale...

There was a preacher that was trying to sell his horse. A potential buyer came to the church for a test ride.

"Before you start" the preacher said,"you should know that this horse only responds to church talk. Go is praise the lord and stop is amen."

So the man on the horse says " Praise the lord," and the horse starts to trot. The man again says "Praise the lord," and the horse starts to gallop.

Suddenly there is a cliff right in front of the horse and the man yells "Amen!!!" The horse stops just at the edge of the cliff.

The man wipes the sweat from his brow and says "Praise the Lord."

News headlines 01

Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees

Farmer Bill Dies in House

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again

Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms

You Might Be A Redneck If 55

You might be a reneck if...
The make, model, and license plate number of your truck are obscured by a layer of mud.
You have got more bumper stickers than children.
Your wife has ever taken two pairs of shoes to a funeral: one pair to trudge thru the wet Georgia red clay between the house and the pickup, and the other pair to wear at the funeral.
You have ever been in a funeral where the flower truck was a pickup, particularly if it belonged to one of the family, more particularly if it was yours.
You have ever had to stop at a car wash on the way to a funeral to wash the dump dirt from the back of your pickup so you can use it as a flower truck.
Your clawfoot bathtub has ever been unusable because your wife was using it as a brooder.
Your clawfoot bathtub sometimes serves as a hospital for injured fowl.
You have ever come home and heard a ruckus in the bathroom. When you looked in, one of the injured fowl had escaped, found the chicken in the mirror, and was currently fighting with said chicken. 56.There have ever been any gun parts, magazines, or ammunition stored on the window ledge of your kitchen. Particularly if they have if they have laid there long enough for the sun to bleach the paper on the shotgun shells.
Any part of your driveway has ever been unusable due to nesting fowl.
One or more doors to your house or trailer are periodically unusable due to nesting fowl.

You will spend eternity here...

The devil meets him at the gate and says, "Alright, you have died and come to hell. You will spend eternity here, but you get to choose how to spend it. You may choose one of these three doorways. Once you choose a door, you may not change it. So let's get started."

The devil opens Door One. The guy looks in and sees a couple of people standing on their heads on a Concrete floor. The guy says, "No way, let's move on."

The devil opens Door Two. The guy sees a few more people standing on their heads on a Wood floor. The guy says, "No way, let's move on."

The devil opens Door Three. The guy sees a bunch of people standing knee-deep in cow manure drinking coffee. The guy says, "Great, this is the one I will chose." The devil says, "OK, wait right here, I will get you some coffee."

The guy settles in with his coffee thinking that this isn't so bad. What's the big deal?

After about 10 minutes a voice comes over the loud speaker saying, "Coffee break's over. Back on your heads!"