Animal jokes (361 to 375)Jokes about animals. These are the jokes listed 361 to 375. |
Little Johnny on Math
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny.
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then little Johhny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Little Johnny replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on', but I like your thinking."
Sitting down with founders
Sitting down with founders Patrick Tanzola and Rhain Louis of Pungents.com (Canada’s top pun website), we weren’t sure what to expect on that brightly punny day outside U of T’s Hart House. Nursing our coffees, we were suddenly caught off-guard when a massive hawk swept down beside us, grabbed a small mouse from the garden, and flew off – nearly causing us to hawk-up our lunch.Damn Parking Enforcement
I went to the shop the other day. I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out, there was a damn traffic officer writing a parking ticket for over-running the meter.
So I went up to him and said,
"Come on, how about giving a man a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for also having parked partially on the pavement!!
So I called him a son of a mutant pig. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!!
This went on for about 20 minutes and the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't give a damn.
My car was parked around the corner...
Signs to Hang in the Office
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
I have not yet begun to procrastinate.
I don't suffer from stress. I'm just a carrier.
Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
Home Remedies
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
4. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad toothache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you will forget about the toothache.
8. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
9. AND..... Sometimes we just need to remember what The Rules of Life really are: You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape.
10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
11. And finally... Be really good to your family and friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.
Some Things You Just Can't Explain
A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So what happened that's so horrible?
Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket.
Man: Ok, but that's not so bad.
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So what happened then?
Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.
Man: and then?
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.
Man: Again?
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So, what did you do then?
Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.
Man: and then?
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.
Man: Hmmm
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So, what did you do?
Farmer: Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in...
Differences between Men and
Differences between Men and Women1. Women have more imagination than men. They need it to tell men how wonderful they are.
2. Women have a number of faults. Men have only two – everything they say and everything they do.
3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
4. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
5. When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. When men are depressed, they invade another country.
6. A man is a person who will pay £2 for a £1 item he wants. A woman, however, will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't want.
7. Diamonds are a girl's best friend. Dogs are a man's best friend. Now you know which sex is smarter.
8. It's not true that men prefer foolish women. Rather they prefer women who can pretend to be foolish whenever necessary, which is the very core of intelligence.
9. Men always want to be a woman's first love. Women have a more subtle instinct: What they like is to be a man's last romance.
10. To be happy with a man, a woman must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, a man must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
11. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
12. Men marry because they are tired; women marry because they are curious. Both are disappointed.
13. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband, while a man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
14. A woman will always cherish the memory of the man who wanted to marry her; a man will always cherish the memory of the woman who he didn't.
15. There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman – before marriage and after marriage.
16. Only two things are necessary for a man to do to keep his wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.
17. Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
18. Any married man should forget his mistakes – it's no use two people remembering the same thing.
19. Some husbands are living proof that a woman can take a joke.
20. Husbands are like cars: all are good the first year.
21. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
Hear about that high-tech thri
Hear about that high-tech thriller, about a submarine crew that gets lost at sea due to extreme computer failure? It's called DOS Boot. As the movie unfolds it's clear that the vessel's discipline was lax: not a mouse was stirring while some key bored personnel were in the washroom taking a FTP. The submarine was suddenly swamped by torrents of WAVs, and couldn't make it to the dock. Windows were stupidly left open, resulting in an impossible Turing radius as they were overwhelmed by the C. It was a Unix situation, and as they twirled out into the ethernet the captain radioed the nearest B-52 Flying Fortran for help. “This hertz, Mac,” he cried. “It megahertz! I need a pier-to-pier transfer.” But due to BASIC errors and faulty navigation they could not find anchor, and crashed, leaving no possibility for a SQL.Children Are Quick
TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
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TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
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TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
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TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
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TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
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TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
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TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
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TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
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TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
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TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
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TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
Cats
I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep.
In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.
Joke of the Day, posted everyday on getfrank.co.nz - Click to see the past weeks worth right here...
An American lawyer invited a C
An American lawyer invited a Czech friend to stay with him in his mountain cabin. Early in the morning, the lawyer and his Czech friend went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they were picking blueberries, along came two big Bears - a male and a female.The lawyer, seeing the two bears, climbed a tree.
His friend wasn't so lucky and the male bear caught him and swallowed him whole.
The lawyer drove his car to town as fast has he could to get a policeman. The policeman took his gun and ran to the berry patch with the lawyer.
Sure enough, the two bears were still there. "He's in that one!" said the lawyer, pointing to the male.
The policeman looked at the bears, took careful aim with his gun, and shot the FEMALE.
"What did you do that for!" shouted the lawyer, "I said he was in the other bear!"
"Exactly," answered the policeman. "Would you believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the Male?"
600 Story Hotel
Tom, Dick and Harry went to a party. After the party they returned to the hotel. The hotel was 600 stories high.
Unfortunately for them, the elevator was not working. They made a plan for the first 200 stories, Tom will crack jokes.
The second 200 stories Dick will tell a happy story and lastly Harry will tell a sad story.They then started up the steps
After 2 hours it was Harry's turn. He turned to the other two and said "Ok guys, here's my sad story. I forgot the keys downstairs.
Two Roaches Discussion
Two roaches were munching on garbage in an alley when one engages a discussion about a new restaurant.
"I was in that new restaurant across the street," said one. "It's so clean! The kitchen is spotless, and the floors are gleaming white. There is no dirt anywhere--it's so sanitary that the whole place shines."
"Please," said the other roach frowning. "Not while I'm eating!"
