Animal jokes (3646 to 3660)Jokes about animals. These are the jokes listed 3646 to 3660. |
As Seen On Bumpers
* "Time is what keeps everything from happening at once."* "Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."
* "All generalizations are false."
* "As long as there are tests there will be prayer in public schools."
* "The gene pool could use a little chlorine."
* "I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!"
* "Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let him/her sleep."
* "Montana -- At least our cows are sane!"
* "Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition."
* "Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!"
* "Friends don't let friends drive naked."
* "I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!"
* "It's lonely at the top, but you eat better."
* "According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist."
* "A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory."
* "Forget about world peace. . . Visualize using your turn signal!"
* "Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear."
* "Give me ambiguity or give me something else."
* "Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot."
* "He who laughs last thinks slowest."
* "Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."
* "Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math."
* "Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies."
* "Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
* "Puritanism: the haunting fear that someone somewhere may be happy."
* "Consciousness: that annoying time between naps."
* "We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated."
* "Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home."
* "Three kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't."
* "Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?"
* "Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"
* "I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die. "
* "Auntie Em, hate you, hate Kansas - Taking the dog. --Dorothy."
* "Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself."
* "I'm out of bed and dressed, what more do you want?"
The traveling evangelist ...
A traveling evangelist always put on a grand finale at his revival meetings, When he was to preach at a church, he would secretly hire a small boy to sit in the ceiling rafters with a dove in a cage. Toward the end of his sermon, the preacher would shout for the Holy Spirit to come down, and the boy in the rafters would dutifully release the dove.
At one revival meeting, however, nothing happened when the preacher called for the Holy Spirit to desend. He again raised his arms and exclaimed: "Come down, Holy Spirit!"
Still no sign of the dove.
The preacher then heard the anxious voice of a small boy call down from the rafters:
"Sir, a big black cat just ate the Holy Spirit. Shall I throw down the cat?"
A man was driving along the hi...
A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead.The driver felt so awful, he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. "I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."
The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can on to the rabbit.
Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved it's paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 meters away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 meters, turned, waved and hopped another 50 meters.
The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can!! He ran over to the woman and demanded, "What was in your spray can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"
The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label.
It said:
"'Hair spray restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."
When Chuck Norris wants an egg...
When Chuck Norris wants an egg, he cracks open a chicken.Toilet Paper
A little old lady goes into the store to do some shopping. She is bewildered over the large selection of toilet paper.
"Pardon me, sir," she says to the store manager, "but can you explain the differences in all these toilet papers?"
"Well," he replies pointing out one brand, "this is as soft as a baby's kiss. It's $1.50 per roll."
He grabs another and says, "This is nice and soft as a bunny, strong but gentle, and it's $1.00 a roll."
Pointing to the bottom shelf he tells her, "We call that our No Name brand, and it's 20 cents per roll."
"Give me the No Name," she says.
She comes back about a week later, seeks out the manager and says, "Hey! I've got a name for your No Name toilet paper. I call it John Wayne."
"Why?" he asks.
"Because it's rough, it's tough and it don't take crap off anybody!"
Adult jokes-S*x during pregnancy
A man whose wife was pregnant, went to a doctor to ask whether he could have s*x with his wife.The doctor replied, "Yes. For the first 3 months, you can do it like normal, for the next 3 months you can do it like a dog, and in last 3 months, you will have to do it like tiger"
The man reacts "Tiger? How does a tiger do it?"
The doctor replies "Like Tiger Woods, sleep with other women."
Beautiful Daughter
Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests . . . I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge alive!"
As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could and screaming out of fear. The crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking as though he was running for his life. Finally, he made it to the other side with only a torn shirt and some minor injuries. The millionaire was impressed.
He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?"
The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money, nor do I want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that water!"
Really funny jokes-Celebrating in Hell
The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough andturns up the heat even more. When he returns to the room of the two from Minnesota , the devil finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling Walleye and drinking beer. The devil is astonished and exclaims, 'Everyone down here is in misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves?' Sven replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve don't git too much varm veather up dere at da Falls, so ve've yust got ta haff a fish fry vhen da veather's dis nice.'
The devil is absolutely furious. He can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in Hell. The next morning, the temperature is 60 below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, and people are shivering so bad that they are unable to wail, moan or gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with Ole and Sven. He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, bomber hats, and mittens. They are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men.
The devil is dumbfounded, 'I don't understand, when I turn up the heat you're happy. Now its freezing cold and you're still happy. What is wrong with you two?'
They both look at the devil in surprise and say, 'Vell, don't ya know, if hell iss froze over, dat must mean da Vikings von da Super Bowl.'
Church Bulletin Bloopers
Slogans....
A class professor was giving a lecture on company slogans and was asking his students if they were familiar with them.
"Joe," he asked, "which company has the slogan, 'come fly the friendly skies'?"
Joe answered the correct airline.
"Brenda, can you tell me which company has the slogan, "Don't leave home without it?"
Brenda answered the correct credit card company with no difficulty.
"Now John, Tell me which company bears the slogan, 'Just do it'?"
And John answered, "Mom...."
Baseball bat...
After spending 3-1/2 hours enduring the long lines, surly clerks and insane regulations at the department of motor vehicles, a lady stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for her son. She brought her selection - a baseball bat to the cash register.
"Cash or charge," the clerk asked.
"Cash," she snapped. Then apologizing for her rudeness, she explained, "I've spent the afternoon at the motor-vehicle bureau. I am not too sane right now!!"
"Shall I gift wrap the bat?" the clerk asked sweetly, "Or or you going back?"
