Animal jokes (3766 to 3780)Jokes about animals. These are the jokes listed 3766 to 3780. |
Words to live by...
Notice! Take lettuce from the top of the stack, or heads will roll!Well, if Jerry Springer isn't educational TV, why does it make me feel so much smarter?
A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
I tried to get in touch with my inner child, but he isn't allowed to talk to strangers.
I have to take my paycheck to the bank. It's too little to go by itself.
I must be following my diet too closely. I keep gaining on it.
Welcome to Megacomputer's 24-hour helpline. If you have been waiting LESS than 24 hours, please remain on the line.
Whenever I'm in a mood to watch the world go by, I just keep to the posted speed limit.
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
The Old Man and the Sea
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The Old Man and the Sea A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns telling their adventures on the seas.
The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, hook, and an eye patch. Curious, the seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies "I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."
"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about the hook?"
"Well," replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand clean off."
"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch?"
"A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked.
"Well," said the pirate, "That was my first day with the hook."
A police officer sees a man dr...
A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says, "You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately."The guy says okay, and drives away. The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins -- and they're all wearing sunglasses. He pulls the guy over and demands, "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?"
The guy replies, "I did. Today I'm taking them to the beach!"
A police officer sees a man dr...
A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says, "You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately."The guy says okay, and drives away. The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins -- and they're all wearing sunglasses. He pulls the guy over and demands, "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?"
The guy replies, "I did. Today I'm taking them to the beach!"
Polar Bear
2 polarbers are walking around in the artic. a father and son pair. The son looks at the father and says, " Dad i got a question, are u sure I am 100% polarbear?". The father looks at his son and says, "Yes son your 100% polar bear"
"OK" the son says
They keep walking and about 20 min later the son again says: "Are you sure I am 100% polarbear?" The father again says, "Yes son you're 100% polar bear"
"OK" the son says
Then about 30 min later the son says, "OK dad be serious are you sure I am 100% polarbear are You sure there is no blackbear or grizzly bar in me??" "Yes son your 100% polarbear, I am 100% polarbear and so is your monther. Why do u keep asking son?" The son says, "Well I dont know about u but I am freezing"
Silk Pyjamas
A man calls home to his wife and says,"Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh please pack my new blue silk pyjamas."The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she did exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.
The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish? He says, "Yes lots of Walleye, some Blugill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to do?"
The wife replies.
"I did, they were in your tacklebox!"
Curious George
One day the zookeeper noticed that the monkey was reading two books--the Bible and Darwin's "The Origin of Species."
In surprise, he asked the monkey, "Why are you reading both those books?"
"Well," said the monkey, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."
When Albert Einstein was makin...
When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking."I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you." Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!" When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.
Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool. Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."
When Albert Einstein was makin...
When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking."I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you." Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!" When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.
Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool. Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."
Clean jokes-Stagecoach
In a swift move, the cowboy bends down, pulls open the door of the stagecoach and jumps off his horse into the stagecoach. Then he opens the door on the other side and jumps onto the other horse. Kirk, confused by the events that were happening so swiftly, yelled out to the cowboy, "What do you think you are doing?"
The cowboy replied, "Nothing. It's just a stage I'm going through."
Funny jokes-Flying kitten
Father Moore tried hard to get the kitten down by calling out its name, also tried offering milk, sweets, but Batty would just not come down. As the tree was not strong enough to climb, Father Moore thought that if tied one end of a rope to the tree and the other to his car and drove ahead to bend the tree, he could perhaps reach up and get Batty. He did it and felt that he should go a little bit further so that the tree is adequately bent for him to reach Batty. But as he moved a little further ahead, the rope snapped.
The tree went "boing!" and Batty sailed through the air and out of sight. Father Moore felt terrible. He went searching for Batty in the entire neighborhood and its vicinity, asked people if they had seen Batty but his attempts in locating the little kitten failed.
Father Moore committed Batty to the Lord's keeping and went back to normal life.
A few days later, he met a lady at the local store buying food and he noticed she was carrying a tin of cat food. He distinctly remembered that this lady hated cats so he questioned her about the cat food.
She replied, "You will find it hard to believe but my little boy Tommy had been pestering me for a cat, and I kept declining his request. Then one day, he begged again and I told him if God gave him a cat, I would allow him to keep it. I saw Tommy go out in the yard, get on his knees, and pray to God for a cat. And then, something unbelievable happened!! A kitten came flying out of the sky, and landed right in his lap!!!"
How was I born?
A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents, "How was I born?"
"Well honey..." said the slightly prudish parent, "the stork brought you to us."
"Oh," said the boy. "Well, how did you and daddy get born?" he asked.
"Oh, the stork brought us too."
"Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" he persisted.
"Well darling, the stork brought them too!" said the parent, by now starting to squirm a little in the Lazy Boy recliner.
Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence: "This report has been very difficult to write because there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."
Mickey & Minnie Splitting Up
Mickey Mouse is in the process of divorcing Minnie Mouse.
As they sit in the courtroom, the judge says to Mickey, "Mr. Mouse, you claim the reason for your divorce is primarily based on the fact that your wife is crazy?"
Mickey responds, "No, I didn't say she was crazy, I said she was fucking Goofy!"
