Animal jokes (3826 to 3840)

Why did the chicken cross the road?

(FORMER) VICE PRESIDENT GORE

I fight for the chickens and I am fighting for the chickens right now. I will not give up on the chickens crossing the road! I will fight for the chickens and I will not disappoint them.

PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH

I don't believe we need to get the chickens across the road. I say give the road to the chickens and let them decide. The government needs to let go of strangling the chickens so they can get across the road.

SENATOR LIEBERMAN

I believe that every chicken has the right to worship their God in their own way. Crossing the road is a spiritual journey and no chicken should be denied the right to cross the road in their own way.

VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY

Chickens are big-time because they have wings. They could fly if they wanted to. Chickens don't want to cross the road. They don't need help crossing the road. In fact, I'm not interested in crossing the road myself.

RALPH NADER

Chickens are misled into believing there is a road by the evil tiremakers. Chickens aren't ignorant, but our society pays tiremakers to create the need for these roads and then lures chickens into believing there is an advantage to crossing them. Down with the roads, up with chickens.

PAT BUCHANAN

To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY

To die. In the rain.

FREUD

The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES

I have just released eChicken 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

BILL CLINTON

I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by 'chicken'? Could you define 'chicken' please?

COLONEL SANDERS

I missed one?

Really funny jokes-You might be an E.R. Doctor if

Psychologists have discovered ...

Psychologists have discovered that the manner in which people eat Oreo cookies provides great insight into their personalities. Choose which method best describes your favorite method of eating Oreos:

1. The whole thing all at once.
2. One bite at a time
3. Slow and methodical nibbles examining the results of each bite afterwards.
4. In little feverous nibbles.
5. Dunked in some liquid (milk, coffee...).
6. Twisted apart, the inside, then the cookie.
7. Twisted apart, the inside, and toss the cookie.
8. Just the cookie, not the inside.
9. I just like to lick them, not eat them.
10.I don't have a favorite way because I don't like Oreos.


Your Personality:

1. The whole thing:
This means you consume life with abandon, you are fun to be with, exciting, carefree with some hint of recklessness. You are totally irresponsible. No one should trust you with his or her children.

2. One bite at a time:
You are lucky to be one of the 5.4 billion other people who eat their Oreos this very same way. Just like them, you lack imagination, but that's okay, not to worry, you're normal.

3. Slow and Methodical:
You follow the rules. You're very tidy and orderly. You're very meticulous in every detail with every thing you do to the point of being anal retentive and irritating to others. Stay out of the fast lane if you're only going to go the speed limit.

4. Feverous Nibbles:
Your boss likes you because you get your work done quickly. You always have a million things to do and never enough time to do them. Mental breakdowns and suicides run in your family. Valium and Ritalin would do you good.

5. Dunked:
Every one likes you because you are always up beat. You like to sugar coat unpleasant experiences and rationalize bad situations into good ones. You are in total denial about the shambles you call a life. You have a propensity towards narcotic addiction.

6. Twisted apart, the inside, and then the cookie:
You have a highly curious nature. You take pleasure in breaking things apart to find out how they work, though not always able to put them back together, so you destroy all the evidence of your activities. You deny your involvement when things go wrong. You are a compulsive liar and exhibit deviant, if not criminal, behavior.

7. Twisted apart, the inside, and then toss the cookie:
You are good at business and take risk that pay off. You take what you want and throw the rest away. You are greedy, selfish, mean, and lack feelings for others. You should be ashamed of yourself. But that's ok, you don't care, you got yours.

8. Just the cookie, not the inside:
You enjoy pain.

9. I just like to lick them, not eat them:
Stay away from small furry animals and seek professional medical help - immediately.

10. I don't have a favorite way, I don't like Oreos:
You probably come from a rich family, and like to wear nice things, and go to upscale restaurants. You are particular and fussy about the things you buy, own, and wear. Things have to be just right. You like to be pampered. You are a prissy.

Really funny jokes- Classified classics

A compilation of hilarious classified classics!!!
** A superb and economical restaurant. Fine food, expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.
** No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.
** Sale! Sale! An antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
** We don't tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
** Great chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
** Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
** Dinner Special - Turkey $2.75; Chicken or Beef $2.50; Children $2.00.
** Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

Two Lions

Once upon a time, long, long ago there were two unique lions in the jungles of Africa. Both, it seems, had human-like qualities that made them claim territory, daring the other to cross over the line. Strange as it seems, the boundary between their turf was a well traveled trail through the jungle.

All day every day, both lions lay in the brush staring across the trail at their compatriot, daring him to cross into their territory.

The local natives knew of this animal feud, but all this was unbeknown to African Jack, a well-known and must publicized guide who did not speak Lionese and was unfamiliar with the territory.

While he was leading a safari through the jungle, walking all day and cutting vines with their machetes, all this constant hacking brush had them worn to a frazzle. After seeing two or three of his safari drop from exhaustion, African Jack decided to stop on the trail between these two lions and camp for the night.

After sitting up camp, eating, and getting his safari settled African Jack sat on a stump and began reading. While he was busily engaged in the printed page, the two lions, simultaneously, pounced on African Jack and ate him on the spot.

When the 6 o'clock news heard of the tragedy, they reported, “African Jack killed this evening. The motive is unclear, but it is reported he was reading between the lions.”

Canine Complex

A man walked into the office of an eminent psychiatrist and sat down to explain his problem.

“Doctor, doctor! I've got this problem,” the man said. “I keep hallucinating that I'm a dog. It's crazy. I don't know what to do!”

“A common canine complex,” said the doctor soothingly. “Relax. Come here and lie down on the couch.”

“Oh no, Doctor,” the man said nervously, “I'm not allowed up on the furniture.”

Short funny jokes-Drunk chicken

Santa: What can drunk chicken give you?
Banta: Scotch eggs!

You might be a redneck if 27

You might be a redneck if...

You take a fishing pole to Sea World.

The hood and one door are a different color from the rest of your car.

You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.

You've ever shot somebody over a mall parking space.

Santa Claus refuses to let your kids sit in his lap.

Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

You think mud rasslin' should be an Olympic sport.

The receptionist checks the rat traps at your place of business.

You list your parole officer as a reference.

There are more fish on your wall than pictures.

Housecleaning

I don't do windows because … I love birds and don't want one to run into a clean window and get hurt.

I don't wax floors because … I am terrified a guest will slip, hurt themselves, I'll feel terrible and they may sue me.

I don't mind the dust bunnies because .. They are very good company, I have named most of them, and they agree with everything I say.

I don't disturb cobwebs because … I want every creature to have a home of their own.

I don't Spring Clean because .. I love all the seasons and don't want the others to get jealous.

I don't pull weeds in the garden because … I don't want to get in God's way, he is an excellent designer.

I don't put things away because .. My husband will never be able to find them again.

I don't do gourmet meals when I entertain because … I don't want my guests to stress out over what to make when they invite me over for dinner.

I don't iron because … I choose to believe them when they say “Permanent Press”.

I don't stress much on anything because … “A Type” personalities die young and I want to stick around and become a wrinkled up crusty ol' woman!!!!

The Cat and the Saus

One day a little cat was walking through the park when he came across a pond. He peered into the pond and noticed that at the bottom of the pond there was a little cocktail sausage.

The cat was feeling quite happy so as the water wasn't that deep he reached in with his little paw, hooked the sausage out and ate it.

The next day the cat was walking through the park again and peered into the pond. There was another sausage in the pond but this time it was a normal sized one, so the cat reached in. This time he had to put his whole arm into the pond. The cat hooked the sausage out and ate it.

The next day things go basically the same and the cat again looks into the pond. There he found an enormous Cumberland sausage at the bottom for the pond. It looked so delicious but it was so deep that he had to really stretch to get it, then SPLASH - he fell in.

The moral of the story is: The Bigger the Sausage, The Wetter the Pussy!

Cyber Relationship Break Up Letter

CYBER BREAK UP LETTER

Dear [insert screen name here] (if that is your real name),

I regret to inform you that, under a plan for the periodic

removal of

unpleasantness from my life, I must terminate our online

affair. This

termination takes effect immediately, but only because I

could not make

it retroactive. Below, you will find the reasons for this

action:

_____ While our cybersex sessions were, for the most part,

competent,

your constant use of "brb gotta pee" took some of the

romance out of it.

_____ Your use of the term "the ol' cyber ball and chain" to

refer to me

has hurt my feelings.

_____ I've found another lover, one who knows the importance

of

punctuation.

_____ Certain errors during cyber sessions indicate that you

were less

than honest:

· __ You typed: "I remove my bra" when you claimed to be a

man.

· __ You typed: "I enter you" when you claimed to be a

woman.

· __ You typed your own name at the end.

· __ Your supposedly original scenario, it turns out, is

simply page 56

of a Jackie Collins novel.

· __ Your repeated references to animals suggest that you

are hiding

something from me.

· __ Your refusal to cyber until I submitted a recent AIDS

test suggests

a degree of paranoia that is, simply put, unhealthy.

· __ I finally opened the file with your __ gif __ jpg __

police record.

· __ I have no choice but to comply with the court orders

unless I wish

to face stalking charges.

· __ Mommie says I need to spend less time on the computer.

· __ Your mommie called me and yelled at me because of all

the time

you're spending on the computer.

· __ I have established a more personal relationship with

the Lord, and

I would like to talk to you in great detail about what you

can do to

ensure a place in Heaven when the endtimes come. They are

closer than

you think.

· ___ The fact that you BCC all your love letters to me

leaves me

feeling less than special. As in cyber cheating.

· ___ I finally read your profile, and the fact that you are

only 14

violates the terms of my parole.

· ___ I am entering the witness protection program.

Please understand, __ [screen name] and/or __ you

misbegotten son of a

bitch__ sir/madam __ mom/dad [for use in West Virginia],

that there is

nothing personal in this. We've simply grown apart.

Any additional correspondence you may direct to my

attorney,

__ Sincerely,

__ Gleefully,

__ I have to go before the warden calls "lights out,"

__ Uh oh, my Real Life mate is coming up the stairs,

__ Good riddance,

[Name or alias]

Two Antartians were walking do...

Two Antartians were walking down the street. One stops and says, "Oh my god!!! A dead bird." The other looks up and says, "Were, were?"

HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF...

HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY AND DRIVE OTHER PEOPLE INSANE
1. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
2. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.
3. Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.
4. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
5. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."
6. When driving colleagues around, insist on keeping your car's windshield wipers running during all weather conditions to keep 'em tuned up.
7. Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."
8. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers, then cc them to your boss.
9. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."
10. At lunchtime, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
11. Specify that your drive-thru order is "to go."
12. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

Three very tough mice

Three rats are sitting at the bar talking bragging about their bravery and toughness.

The first says, "I'm so tough, once I ate a whole bagful of rat poison!"

The second says, "Well I'm so tough, once I was caught in a rat trap and I bit it apart!"

Then the third rat gets up and says, "Later guys, I'm off home to harass the cat."

Dog supermarkets became incred...

Dog supermarkets became incredibly noisy after the introduction of bark odes.