Animal jokes (4111 to 4125)Jokes about animals. These are the jokes listed 4111 to 4125. |
Working late
It had taken him several months, but the executive vice president had finally persuaded his new secretary to bend over the back of his leather couch and allow him to have sex with her that way."And just where have you been until this hour?" demanded his wife, when the wayward husband finally arrived home.
"Down at the office," he replied, "working like a dog."
Church offering
A pig and a chicken were walking by a church where a charity event was taking place. Getting caught up in the atmosphere, the pig suggested to the chicken that they each make an offering.
“Great idea!” the chicken replied. “Let's offer them ham and eggs!”
“Not so fast,” said the pig. “For you, that's an offering. For me, it's a sacrifice.”
Source: Clean Joke of the Day
You might be a redneck if 22
You might be a redneck if...Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.
Your dad is also your favorite uncle.
Your classes at school were cancelled because the path to the restroom was flooded.
During your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.
You're a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets light.
On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.
Your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!"
You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deer hunting.
In tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly do?"
Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
Horse back riding
A blonde goes horse back riding. It starts out slow, but then it starts to gallop.
The blonde is enjoying herself. All of a sudden she slips off and her foot gets caught in the reins.
The horse doesn't stop and the blonde is still being dragged upside down.
She doesn't know what to do. Finally the Wal-Mart manager comes and unplugs it.
Really funny jokes-Short runway
The co-pilot looked out the windshield. "Wow! you're right! That's incredible! Are you sure we can make it?"
"Well we better, we're almost out of fuel."
So the captain got on the intercom, and notified the passengers to put their heads between their knees, and prepare for an emergency landing. Then he set the flaps to full down, and slowed the plane to just over stall speed. The big jumbo jet came screaming in, on the ragged edge of control.
The pilot's hands were sweating, the co-pilot was praying. They touched down, and came screeching to a halt just before the edge of the runway, the tires smoking. "PHEW! That was CLOSE!" yelled the captain. "That runway was SHORT!"
"Yeah!" said the co-pilot, "and WIDE too!"
National Geographic
Ole and Lena are 69-ing when Ole says, "Lena, did you know there are 117,000 musk ox in Alaska?" Lena says, "No, I didn't."
Ole says, "And Lena, did you know there are 482,000 grizzly bears living in Alaska?"
Lena says, "No, I didn't. Gee, you're smart."
Ole says, "And Lena, did you know there are more than 2 million caribou living in Alaska?"
"No," says Lena, wondering how this conversation came about in the middle of their sex play.
"How did you get so smart?"
Ole says, "Remember last night when we ran out of toilet paper and had to use the pages out of magazines?"
"Yes, I remember," says Lena.
"Well, you still have page 63 of National Geographic stuck to your ass."
Whale communication
An expert on whales was telling friends about some of the unusual findings he had made. “For instance,” he said, “some whales can communicate at a distance of 300 miles.”
“What on earth would one whale say to another 300 miles away?” asked a sarcastic member of the group.
“I'm not absolutely sure,” answered the expert, “but it sounds something like this: ‘Heeeeeeey! Can you hear me nowwww!?!'
Proper Identification Required
Contributed by C. B. Hinson
President Obama walks into the Bank of America and says to a cashier, "Good morning Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me"?
Cashier:
"It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID"?
Obama:
"Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am President Barrack Obama, the president of the United States .�
Cashier:
"Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the Government regulations, monitoring of the banks because of imposters and forgers, etc., I must insist on seeing ID."
Obama:
"Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."
Cashier:
"I am sorry, but these are government and bank rules and I must follow them."
Obama:
"I am urging you please to cash this check."
Cashier:
"Look, this is what we can do: One day Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank lobby into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and we cashed his check."
"Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and served an ace shot directly into the center of our bank logo 90 feet away. With that spectacular shot we cashed his check. So, what can you do to prove that it is you?"
Obama stood there thinking, and thinking and finally replied:
"Honestly, nothing comes to mind. I can't think of a single thing I can do."
Cashier:
"Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?"
Douche
Have you heard about the new types of douche on the market?There is aloe vera scented, peach flavor, and chicken flavor.
The aloe vera is to tighten it up for the penis.
The peach is sweeter for the eater.
And the chicken is finger lickin' good.
Submitted by Curtis
Editted by Tantilazing
Reniewed by Calamjo
Business One-liners 102
When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers.
When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.
When your opponent is down, kick him.
Whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first.
Where you stand depends on where you sit.
While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.
Why did the Roman Empire collapse? What is the Latin for office automation?
Why is it that there are so many more horses' asses than there are horses? - G. Gordon Liddy
Why worry about tomorrow? We may not make it through today.
Winning isn't everything, but losing isn't anything.
You're not drunk if you can lay on the floor without holding on.
Bare back...
An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.
She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.
The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills.
When they arrived in town, the Indian let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'yahoo' and rode off.
'What did you do to get that Indian so excited?' asked the service station attendant.
'Nothing,' shrugged the woman, 'I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off.'
'Lady,' the attendant said, 'Indians ride bareback...'
Jeff Dunham: Unimpressive Superheroes
Jeff Dunham: I like Aquaman. He can breathe underwater and talk to fish.Melvin: Yeah, great. He has all the same powers as Spongebob.
Jeff Dunham: How about the Hulk?
Melvin: Why do you like the Hulk?
Jeff Dunham: Well, the angrier he gets, the stronger he gets.
Melvin: Yeah, like every white-trash guy on Cops.
Bowling ball humor
I worry about the germs in the holes of bowling balls. Nobody cleans those holes. There are years of impacted pizza fingers in there. Taco fingers. Chicken fingers. I'm amazed those balls still have holes. Ever smell a bowling ball hole? You think the balls are knocking down the pins? You're wrong. The pins are passing out from the smell.
