Animal jokes (4096 to 4110)

Iliza Shlesinger: Season Change

I was in New York last Christmas, its snowing, theres a guy in a t-shirt. Im like, Dude, arent you cold? No, Im from New York, I dont get cold. Just cause youre from a cold place doesnt mean youre genetically predisposed to not feeling cold. Youre not a penguin. I was like, In fact sir, youre Puerto Rican, so if anything, you should be more cold.

A man takes his dog to the vet...

A man takes his dog to the vet. “My dog is crossed eyed, is there anything you can do for him? “Well,” says the vet, “let’s take a look at him.” So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, “I’m going to have to put him down.”
“What? Because he is cross-eyed?”
“No, because he’s really heavy.”

The Top 15 Thanksgiving-Themed Movies

15. To Kill A Walking Bird

14. My Best Friend's Dressing

13. Thighs Wide Shut

12. The Texas Coleslaw Massacre

11. Casserolablanca

10. The Fabulous Baster Boys

9. 12 Hungry Men

8. Silence of the Yams

7. For Love of The Game Hen

6. I Know What You Ate Last Winter

5. All the President's Menu

4. White Meat Can't Jump

3. When Harry Met Salad

2. The Story of U.S.

and the Number 1 Upcoming Thanksgiving-Themed Movie…

1. The Wing and I

Source: Good Clean Fun

A man takes his dog to the vet...

A man takes his dog to the vet.

“My dog is crossed eyed, is there anything you can do for him?

“Well,” says the vet, “let’s take a look at him.”

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, “I’m going to have to put him down.”

“What? Because he is cross-eyed?”

“No, because he’s really heavy.”

Ways To Get Rid Of Telemarketers

An old one, but a good one…

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for Bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, “How are you today?” say, “Why do you want to know?” Or you can say, “I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died…” When they get try to get back to the sell, just continue your problems.

3. If they say they're Joe Doe from the XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name, then ask them to spell the company name, then ask them where it located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4. This one works better if you are male: Telemarketer: “Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with Canter and Siegel services…. You: “Hang on a second.” (few seconds pause) “Okay, (in a really husky voice) what are you wearing?”

5. Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, “Judy!! Is this really you? Oh, my gosh! Judy, how have you BEEN?” Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from.

6. Say, “No”, over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as they're trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan, reply, in a sinister a voice as you can muster, “I don't have any friends…would you be my friend?”

8. If they clean rugs: “Can you get blood out, you can? Well, how about goat blood or HUMAN blood.

9. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional “Uh- huh, really, or “That's fascinating.” Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. They get all flustered, but just tell them you couldn't give your credit card number to someone that's a complete stranger.

10. Tell them you work for the same company they work for. Example: Telemarketer: “This is Bill from Watertronics.” You: “Watertronics!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling from?” Telemarketer: “Uh, Dallas, Texas.” You: “Great, they have a group there too? How's business/the weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya.”

11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream, “Oh, my goodness!!!” and then hang up.

12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you their phone number you will call them back. If they say they are not allow to give out their number, then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call them at home. (This is usually the most effective method of getting rid of Telemarketers)

Thanksgiving turkey

It's the day before Thanksgiving, and the butcher is just locking up when a man begins pounding on the front door.

“Please let me in,” says the man desperately. “I forgot to buy a turkey, and my wife will kill me if I don't come home with one.”

“Okay,” says the butcher. “Let me see what I have left.” He goes into the freezer and discovers that there's only one scrawny turkey left. He brings it out to show the man.

“That's one is too skinny. What else you got?” says the man.

The butcher takes the bird back into the freezer and waits a few minutes and brings the same turkey back out to the man.

“Oh, no,” says the man, “That one doesn't look any better. You better give me both of them!”

Source: AHAJokes.com

Contributed by Perry Woods

This priest lives in a small town, not only is he a priest he has a farm too. On the farm he has all sorts of animals but his favorite and best animal is a cock rooster. One day the rooster goes missing. He searches everywhere but cant find his beloved rooster anywhere. He decides to announce it at Mass.

During his announcements he asks, "Anyone here got a cock", and all the men stood up.

The Priest says, "I don't mean that, what I mean is has anyone here seen a cock", and all the women stood up.

The Priest says, "no, what I mean is, has anyone here seen my cock" and all the children stood up.

Really funny jokes-Fish poaching

The warden catches Seamus leaving the vicinity of the reservoir with a bucket of fish.
"Aha! I've caught you poachin' fish red-handed," says the warden.
"What do you mean, red-handed?" says Seamus.
"You've got a bucket full of 'em right there. You can't talk your way out of it this time."
"Oh, you don't understand," says Seamus, "I've not poached a thing. These are me pet fish.
I bring 'em to the reservoir once a week for exercise.
After they've had a good swim, they come back to the bucket and we go back home."
"Do ya expect me to believe such a tale?"
"I can prove it." say Seamus.
So they walk back to the reservoir and Seamus dips the bucket in and the fish swim away.
They stand in silence for 20, 30, 40 minutes...no sign of the fish coming back to the pail.
Ha, ya lying rogue! shouts the warden.
"Where are your fish?"
"What fish?"

The Top Ten Differences Betwee...

The Top Ten Differences Between Cats & Dogs:

10. Dogs come when you call them. Cats take a message and get back to you when they are good and ready.

9. Dogs will let you give them a bath without taking out a contract on your life.

8. Dogs will bark to wake you up if the house is on fire. Cats will quietly sneak out the back door.

7. Dogs will bring you your slippers or the evening newspaper.Cats might bring you a dead mouse.

6. Dogs will play Frisbee with you all afternoon. Cats will take a three-hour nap.

5. Dogs will sit on the car seat next to you. Cats have to have their own private box or they will not go at all.

4. Dogs will greet you and lick your face when you come home from work. Cats will be mad that you went to work at all.

3. Dogs will sit, lie down, and heel on command. Cats will smirk and walk away.

2. Dogs will tilt their heads and listen whenever you talk. Cats will yawn and close their eyes.

1. Dogs will give you unconditional love forever. Cats will make you pay for every mistake you've ever made since the day you were born.

Pete Holmes: Uncool in Dreams

I cant seal the deal in my dreams. I hit on women in real life and theyre like, In your dreams. Im like, No. Not even there.

Really funny jokes-Pure polar bear

Dear John,

I have bee...

Dear John,

I have been unable to sleep since I broke off our engagement.
Won't you forgive and forget? Your absence is breaking my heart.
I was a fool, nobody can take your place. I love you.

All my love,

Belinda. xxxxoooxxxx

P.S. Congratulations on winning this week's lottery.

A man was driving along the hi...

A man was driving along the highway and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately, the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit.

The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead.

The driver felt so awful, he began to cry.

A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. "I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can on to the rabbit.

Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved it's paw at the two humans and hopped down the road.

Fifty meters away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 meters, turned, waved and hopped another 50 meters.

The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can!! He ran over to the woman and demanded, "What was in your spray can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"

The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label.
It said: "Hair spray restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."

Bad day at the range

A guy is at the driving range having a heck of a day.

Everything thing he tries to hit he tops, balls only going about 20′ and burning worms the whole way. Finally disgusted, he turns to the pro on the range and mutters,” If I don't connect with this one, I'm gonna jump in that lake and drown myself!”

Pro looks at him and says” I don't think you can do it.”

“Why not” He asks.

Pro says “I don't think you can keep your head down that long!”

Source: GolfJokes.com

Into the Olympics...

Three guys are trying to sneak into the Olympic Village in Atlanta to scoop souvenirs and autographs. The first says, "Let's watch the registration table to see if there's a crack in the security system that we can utilize to scam our way in."

Immediately, a burly athlete walks up to the table and states, "Angus MacPherson. Scotland. Shotput." He opens his gym bag to display a shotput to the registration attendant.

The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. MacPherson. Here is you packet of registration materials, complete with hotel keys, passes to all Olympic events, meal tickets, and other information."

HOT DOG! The first guy grabs a small tree sapling, strips off the limbs and roots, walks up the registration table and states: "Chuck Wagon. Canada. Javelin."

The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. Wagon. Here is you packet of registration materials, hotel keys, passes, meal tickets, and so forth. Good luck!"

The second guy grabs a street utility manhole cover, walks up the registration table and states: "Dusty Rhodes. Australia. Discus."

The attendant says, "Terrific, Mr. Rhodes. Here is you packet of registration materials, hotel keys, a full set of passes, and meal tickets. Enjoy yourself."

They scamper in, but suddenly realize the third guy is missing. They groan - OH NO. He is not to bright. They forgot to make sure he doesn't do something stupid and blow their cover stories.

They spot him walking with a roll of barbed wire under his arm. He walks up the registration table and states: "Foster Bean. USA. Fencing."