Animal jokes (4591 to 4605)Jokes about animals. These are the jokes listed 4591 to 4605. |
CEO -- Chief Embezzlement Offi...
CEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer.CFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer.
BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the
market keeps crashing.
BROKER -- What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets
equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought
Yahoo @ $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.
Fathers then & now
Today is one of the first Father's Days of our new millennium. Fathers of 1900 didn't have it nearly as good as fathers of today; but they did have a few advantages:In 1900, fathers prayed their children would learn English.
Today, fathers pray their children will speak English.
In 1900, a father's horsepower meant his horses.
Today, it's the size of his minivan.
In 1900, if a father put a roof over his family's head, he was a success.
Today, it takes a roof, deck, pool, and 4-car garage. And that's just the vacation home.
In 1900, a father waited for the doctor to tell him when the baby arrived.
Today, a father must wear a smock, know how to breathe, and make sure film is in the video camera.
In 1900, fathers passed on clothing to their sons.
Today, kids wouldn't touch Dad's clothes if they were sliding naked down an icicle.
In 1900, fathers could count on children to join the family business.
Today, fathers pray their kids will soon come home from college long enough to teach them how to work the computer and set the VCR.
In 1900, fathers pined for old country Romania, Italy, or Russia.
Today, fathers pine for old country Hank Williams.
In 1900, a father smoked a pipe.
If he tries that today, he gets sent outside after a lecture on lip cancer.
In 1900, fathers shook their children gently and whispered, "Wake up, it's time for school."
Today, kids shake their fathers violently at 4 a.m., shouting: "Wake up, it's time for hockey practice."
In 1900, a father came home from work to find his wife and children at the supper table.
Today, a father comes home to a note: "Jimmy's at baseball, Cindy's at gymnastics, I'm at adult-Ed, Pizza in fridge."
In 1900, fathers and sons would have heart-to-heart conversations while fishing in a stream.
Today, fathers pluck the headphones off their sons' ears and shout, "WHEN YOU HAVE A MINUTE.."
In 1900, a father gave a pencil box for Christmas, and the kid was all smiles.
Today, a father spends $800 at Toys 'R' Us, and the kid screams: "I wanted Sega!"
In 1900, if a father had breakfast in bed, it was eggs and bacon and ham and potatoes.
Today, it's Special K, soy milk, dry toast and a lecture on cholesterol.
In 1900, a Father's Day gift would be a hand tool.
Today, he'll get a digital organizer.
In 1900, fathers said, "A man's home is his castle."
Today, they say, "Welcome to the money pit."
In 1900, "a good day at the market" meant Father brought home feed for the horses.
Today, "a good day at the market" means Dad got in early on an IPO.
In 1900, a happy meal was when Father shared funny stories around the table.
Today, a happy meal is what Dad buys at McDonald's.
In 1900, a father was involved if he spanked the kid now and then.
Today, a father's involved only if he coaches Little League and organizes Boy Scouts and car pools.
In 1900, when fathers entered the room, children often rose to attention.
Today, kids glance up and grunt, "Dad, you're invading my space."
In 1900, fathers threatened their daughters suiters with shotguns if the girl came home late.
Today, fathers break the ice by saying, "So...how long have you had that earring?"
In 1900, fathers pined for the old school, which meant a one-room, red-brick building.
Today, fathers pine for the old school, which means Dr J and Mickey Mantle.
In 1900, fathers were never truly appreciated.
In 2001, fathers are never truly appreciated.
Water Buffalo
After eight days of backpacking with my wife, we were looking pretty scruffy. One morning she came to breakfast in a baseball cap, her shoulder length hair sticking out at odd angles."Darling," she said, "does my hair make me look like a water buffalo?"
I thought for a moment, then said, "If I tell you the truth, do you promise not to charge?"
Mr. Marlow was strolling ...
Mr. Marlow was strolling through the country when he saw a stable with the most beautiful horse he ever laid eyes on. It was seventeen hands high and white, with rippling muscles and a fine, flowing mane. Mr. Marlow struck a deal to buy it from the owner who did, however, pass on one key piece of information.
"We are a religious family, Mr.Marlow, and we've instilled those values in our horse. To get him to gallop you must say 'Thanks God' to get him to stop you must say 'Our Father Who Art in Heaven,"
Settling into the saddle, Marlow said " Thanks God," and the animal took off. They rode for miles; suddenly they were coming up to a cliff. Unfortunately, Marlow couldn't remember the phrase to make the animal stop and tried every Biblical passage he could think of until, just a few feet from the edge of the cliff, he shouted, " Our Father Who Art in Heaven! The animal stopped instantly. Shaking and perspiring, Marlow reached into his pocket and pulled out a handkerchief. "Thanks God," he said as he mopped his brow...
Silly Collection 01
What are prehistoric monsters called when they sleep?
A dinosnore!
What is the fruitiest lesson?
History, because it's full of dates!
What language do they speak in Cuba?
Cubic!
Why did the stupid racing driver make ten pitstops during the race?
He was asking for directions!
How do you keep an imbecile happy all his life?
Tell him a joke
when he's a baby!
What illness did everyone on the Enterprise catch?
Chicken Spocks!
What is a myth?
A female moth!
#joke #animal #chicken
Tony Woods: Over-Confident Raccoons
Raccoons have too much self-confidence. Look at the way they dress -- that is way too much for the forest: big fur jumpsuit, the black driving gloves, the striped tail, little sunglasses. Come on, raccoon, what you trying to prove, man?Real News Headlines 07
These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the country.
Whatever Their motives, Moms Who Kill Kids still Shock Us: Holland Sentinal, date unknown.
Survey Finds Dirtier Subways After Cleaning Jobs Were Cut: The New York Times, November 22
Larger Kangaroos Leap Farther, Researchers Find: The Los Angeles Times, November 2
'Light' meals are lower in fat, calories: Huntington Herald-Dispatch, November 30
Alcohol ads promote drinking: The Hartford Courant, November 18
Malls try to attract shoppers: The Baltimore Sun, October 22
Official: Only rain will cure drought: The Herald-News, Westpost, Massachusetts
Teen-age girls often have babies fathered by men: The Sunday Oregonian, September 24
Low Wages Said Key to Poverty: Newsday, July 11
Feline Physics Laws
>Law of Cat Inertia
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.
>Law of Cat Motion
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.
>Law of Cat Magnetism
All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.
>Law of Cat Thermodynamics
Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.
>Law of Cat Stretching
A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.
>Law of Cat Sleeping
All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable as possible for the cat.
>Law of Cat Elongation
A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.
>Law of Cat Obstruction
A cat must lay on the floor in such a position to obstruct the maximum amount of human foot traffic.
>Law of Cat Acceleration
A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.
>Law of Dinner Table Attendance
Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.
>Law of Rug Configuration
No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.
>Law of Obedience Resistance
A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something.
>First Law of Energy Conservation
Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.
>Second Law of Energy Conservation
Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.
>Law of Refrigerator Observation
If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.
>Law of Electric Blanket Attraction
Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.
>Law of Random Comfort Seeking
A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.
>Law of Bag/Box Occupancy
All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.
>Law of Cat Embarrassment
A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.
>Law of Milk Consumption
A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.
>Law of Furniture Replacement
A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.
>Law of Cat Landing
A cat will always land in the softest place possible; often the mid- section of an unsuspecting, reclining human.
>Law of Fluid Displacement
A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.
>Law of Cat Disinterest
A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.
>Law of Pill Rejection
Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.
>Law of Cat Composition
A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter.
three men
there were three men on a cliff and what ever they wished for it would come true. so the first guy jumps off the cliff and wishes he was a bird so he could fly home. The second guy wished he was a dolphin so he could swim home then the last guy tripped over a rock, fell off the cliff and said OH CRAP!!!!!#joke #animal #bird #dolphin
Funny Computer Questions #joke #humor
A woman called the Hewlett-Packard (HP) help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was “running it under Windows.” The woman responded, “No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine.”Tech Support: “How much free space do you have on your hard drive?”
Customer: “Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?”
Overheard in a computer shop: Customer: “I'd like a mouse mat, please.”
Salesperson: “Certainly sir, we've got a large variety.”
Customer: “But will they be compatible with my computer?”
Customer: “Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?”
Customer: “So that'll get me connected to the Internet, right?”
Tech Support: “Yeah.”
Customer: “And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?”
Tech Support: “Uhh…uh…uh…yeah.”
Customer: “My computer crashed!”
Tech Support: “It crashed?”
Customer: “Yeah, it won't let me play my game.”
Tech Support: “Alright, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot.”
Customer: “No, it didn't crash — it crashed.”
Tech Support: “Huh?”
Customer: “I crashed my game. That's what I said before. Now it doesn't work.”
Turned out, the user was playing Lunar Lander and crashed his spaceship.
Tech Support: “Click on ‘File,' then ‘New Game.'”
Customer: [pause] “Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?”
The Top Ten Differences Betwee...
The Top Ten Differences Between Cats & Dogs:10. Dogs come when you call them. Cats take a message and get back to you when they are good and ready.
9. Dogs will let you give them a bath without taking out a contract on your life.
8. Dogs will bark to wake you up if the house is on fire. Cats will quietly sneak out the back door.
7. Dogs will bring you your slippers or the evening newspaper.Cats might bring you a dead mouse.
6. Dogs will play Frisbee with you all afternoon. Cats will take a three-hour nap.
5. Dogs will sit on the car seat next to you. Cats have to have their own private box or they will not go at all.
4. Dogs will greet you and lick your face when you come home from work. Cats will be mad that you went to work at all.
3. Dogs will sit, lie down, and heel on command. Cats will smirk and walk away.
2. Dogs will tilt their heads and listen whenever you talk. Cats will yawn and close their eyes.
1. Dogs will give you unconditional love forever. Cats will make you pay for every mistake you've ever made since the day you were born.
Bear Jokes 02
Q: How do you hire a teddy bear?
A: Put him on stilts!
Q: What do you call a big white bear with a hole in his middle?
A: A polo bear!
Q: Why do polo bears like bald men?
A: Because they have a great, white, bear place!
Q: What do polo bears have for lunch?
A: Ice burger!
Q: What's a teddy bears favorite pasta?
A: Tagliateddy!
Q: What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
A: They both have 'the' as their middle names!
Q: Why is polar bear cheap to have as a pet?
A: It lives on ice!
Q: Why shouldn't you take a bear to the zoo?
A: Because they'd rather go to the cinema!
Q: What is a bear's favorite drink?
A: Koka-Koala!
Q: Why was the little bear so spoiled?
A: Because its mother panda'd to its every whim!
A Collection Of Insults
A brief synopsis... When you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Jokes.Doesn't have his belt through all the loops.
Doesn't have sixteen annas to the rupee.
Doesn't have the brain power to toast a crouton.
Doesn't have the sense God gave an animal cracker.
Doesn't have two neurons to rub together.
Doesn't just know nothing; doesn't even suspect much.
Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair. -- Billing
Doesn't know which side the toast is buttered on.
Doesn't put the cross-hairs on the target.
Doesn't quite sample at the Nyquist rate.
Doesn't suffer from ear pressure when flying at altitude.
Donated her body to scientists... Before she was done using it.
Downhill skiing in Iowa.
Driveway doesn't quite reach the garage.
Driving at night with the lights off.
