Animal jokes (4651 to 4665)Jokes about animals. These are the jokes listed 4651 to 4665. |
Three Bears
It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family are just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty!
"Who's been eating my porridge?!" he squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty!
"Who's been eating my porridge?!" he roars.
Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and screams, "For God's sake, how many times do we have to go through this? I haven't made the porridge yet!!"
Apples And Cookies A
There's a little boy named Timmy. One night, his mother told him to take a bath. Timmy said,"No! I don't wanna!" But his mother says,"Yes, you have to."So Timmy says,"Well if I take a bath, will you take one with me?"
The mother says,"Well, O.K., but whatever you do, don't look up or down."
Timmy says,"O.K., I won't."
So when Timmy and his mom are in the bathtub, Timmy accidentally looks down and says,"What's that Mommy?"
She says,"Well Timmy, that's my apple."
Timmy says,"Ohhhhh, O.K."
Then Timmy looks up and says,"What's that Mommy?"
She replies,"Well Timmy, those are my cookies."
Timmy says,"Ohhhhh, O.K."
Then after their bath, they go to there bedrooms and go to sleep. The next night, Timmy is told to take a bath again, but this time by his father. His father tells him,"Time to take a bath Timmy."
Timmy says,"No, I don't want to."
His father says,"Well you have to."
Timmy says,"Well if I take a bath, will you take one with me?"
His father says,"Well O.K., but don't look down!" Timmy says,"O.K., I won't."
Then while they're in the bathtub, Timmy accidentally looks down and says,"What's that Daddy?"
His father says,"Well Timmy, that's my worm."
Timmy says,"Ohhhhh, O.K."
Later that night, a storm hits and Timmy runs into his parents bedroom, flips on the light, and says,"Mommy! Mommy! Daddy's eating your cookies and has his worm in your apple!"
Nice pigs sir...
A Secret Service agent is standing at the bottom of the stairs as President Clinton is leaving Air Force One, and can't help but notice that the President has a pig under each arm.
The Agent salutes and says, "Welcome back, Mr. President. Nice pigs, sir."
Clinton smiles and says, "These aren't pigs. These are genuine Arkansas Razorbacks. I got this one for Hillary, and I got this one for Chelsea."
The Agent says, "Good trade, sir."
A guy walks into a bar with a ...
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons."I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals - unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay £100 to anyone who's willing to give it a try".
A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blonde woman timidly spoke up.
"I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me so hard with the beer bottle"
A dog went to a telegram offic...
A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof." The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price." The dog replied, "But that would make no sense at all!"Dog Steals Roast
A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?"The lawyer answers, "Absolutely."
"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today."
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50 Several days later the butcher opens the mail and finds a bill from the lawyer: $20 due for a consultation.
Twins
A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful he began to cry.A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidently hit this rabbit and killed it."
The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 feet away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 feet, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 feet. The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, " What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?" The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said:
"'Hare Spray' Restores Life to Dead Hare. Adds Permanent Wave."
Women are like
...the stock marketThey're irrational and can bankrupt you if you're not careful.
...computers
They take too long to warm up and a better model always comes along once you've already got one.
...Saran Wrap
Useful but clingy.
...horses
Fun to pet and ride but a pain to feed and clean up after.
...parking meters
If you don't feed them with enough money you face serious consequences.
...fax machines
Useful for one very specific purpose but otherwise just high-maintenance paperweights.
...political campaign contributors
If you let them talk about themselves long enough you wind up in bed with them.
...refrigerators
They're always cold and never seem to have a beer when you need one.
...blue jeans
They look good for a while but eventually they fade and have to be replaced.
...country western songs
They're annoying, they all sound alike, but if you really listen to them you'll get depressed and drink a lot
A little boy comes down to bre...
A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores."Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast till the chores are done.
Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes back in for breakfast, and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother and with a smile says: "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"
Good doggie...
One fall day Bill was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file.
Intrigued, Bill went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse.
"My wife," the man replied.
"I'm sorry," said Bill. "What happened to her?"
"My dog bit her and she died."
Bill then asked the man who was in the second hearse. The man replied, "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well."
Bill thought about this for a while. He finally asked the man, "Can I borrow your dog?"
To which the man replied, "Get in line."
Arrogance is Equal to Stupidity
Louisiana Highway Department employees stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. The man in charge told the farmer, 'We need to inspect your farm for a possible new road.'The old farmer said, 'OK, but don't get out in that pasture over there.'
The Highway Dept. employee flashed out his identification card and said, 'I have the authority of the State of Louisiana to go anywhere I want. See this card? I will go wherever I wish.'
So the old farmer went about his chores. It wasn't too much later when the farmer heard loud screams and yelling.
He looked over and saw several Highway Department employees running for their lives and right behind was the farmer's huge prize bull. The bull was madder than a hornet's nest and was gaining on the Highway employees at every step.
The old farmer yelled out, 'Show him your card, Smart Ass.... Show him your card!!
The lion tamer led his young a...
The lion tamer led his young apprentice into the cage. “The first thing to remember,” said the older man, “is that if a lion jumps at you, throw something at it.”“And what do I do if there’s nothing to throw?”
The lion tamer said, “If a lion jumps at you __ there will be.”
