Animal jokes (5281 to 5295)

Question And Answer Blond Jokes

Q: What stops then goes then stops then goes?
A: A blonde at a blinking red light.
Q: Did you hear about Pepsi's new soda just for blondes?
A: It has "open other end" printed on the bottom.
Q: Why do blondes always rapidly flap their hands towards theirs ears?
A: They're refuelling.
Q: Why did the blonde purchase an AM radio?
A: She didn't want one for nights.
Q: What about the blonde who gave birth to twins?
A: Her husband is out looking for the other man.
Q: Did you hear about the dead blonde in the closet?
A: She was last years hide and seek winner.
Q: What is dumber than a brunette building a fire under the water?
A: A blonde trying to put it out.
Q: Why did the blonde buy a brown cow?
A: To get chocolate milk.

Roar....

A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side). While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step, step, "ROAR," step, step, "ROAR," all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.

The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear."

The Penguin

A penguin was driving his car down the highway when steam began to pour out of the hood. He pulled into a repair shop and asked the mechanic to fix his car. The man said to come back in half an hour. So while he waited the penguin went across the street to the bar, and ordered a glass of milk. Since penguins dont have hands to hold glasses, he spilled some milk on his beak. When he returned to the mechanic, he asked what was wrong with his car. The mechanic said it looked like he blew a seal.

Blonde And a Turtle

What does a blonde and a turtle have in common?

Once their on their back there screwed.

How Do You Get To Heaven?

"If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale, and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?" I asked the children in my Sunday school class.
"NO!" the children all answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into heaven?"
Again the answer was, "NO!""Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children and loved my wife, would that get me into heaven?" I asked them again.
Once more they all answered, "NO!"
"Well," I continued, thinking they were a good bit more theologically sophisticated than I had given them credit for, "then how can I get into heaven?"
A five-year-old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead!"

Terrorize Telemarketer

Ways to Terrorize a Telemarketer

1. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.
   
2. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"
   
3. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!"
   
4. After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
   
5. Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you a case of beer and some chips.
   
6. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
   
7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends... would you be my friend?"
   
8. Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of pause as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from.
   
9. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
   
10. When they ask "How are you today?" Tell them! "I'm so glad you asked because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..."
    

Letters from Little Girls to God

Dear God,
Thank you for the baby brother, but I prayed for a puppy.
Joyce
Dear God,
My father told me about being born, but that doesn't sound right. He was kidding, right?
Marsha
Dear God,
Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?
Norma
Dear God,
Did you really mean, "Do unto others as they do unto you?" Because if you did, then I'm going to fix my brother!
Darla
Dear God,
We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday School they said you did it. So I bet he stole your idea.
Sincerely,
Donna
Dear God,
I bet it is very hard for you to love all of the people in the whole world. There are only four people in our whole family and I can never do it.
Nan
Dear God,
If we come back as something else, please don't let me be Jennifer Horton because I hate her.
Love,
Denise
Dear God,
In Bible times did they really talk that fancy?
Jennifer
Dear God,
What does it mean you are a jealous God? I thought you had everything.
Jane
Dear God,
It rained for our whole vacation and my father was mad! He said some things about you that people are not supposed to say, but I hope you won't hurt him anyway.
Your friend (I'm not going to tell You my name.)
- Joke shared on Beliefnet's Religious Humor page

A king travels through the des...

A king travels through the desert, when he suddenly discovers a man captured under a big rock, he throws a rope around the rock and ties it to his horse and pulls the rock off the man. The man, grateful as he is, tells the king that he's really a great sorcerer, and gives the king three wishes.

The king looks at the Sorcerer and says "OK, then I wish to be immortal".

The sorcerer replies "Puff, it's done."

The king takes a knife and stabs himself and nothing happens, then he says "OK, then I want my horse to be immortal."

The sorcerer replies "Puff, it's done".

The king, happy as can be, stabs his horse and nothing happens, then he says "OK, then I want my horses genitals."

The sorcerer replies "Puff, it's done".

The king, still happy, jumps on his horse and rides back to his castle, in the doorway he meets his friend Peter, jumps off the horse and tells Peter that he's now immortal. Peter laughs, but the king gives Peter his knife and says "Here stab me with the knife."

Peter stabs the king as ordered and nothing happens, then the king shows Peter that his horse also is immortal, and replies "That's not even the best part look at this" and the king drops his pants.

Peter looks at the naked king and screams out loud "Damn that's the biggest pussy I've ever seen..."

Penguins Go to the Zoo

A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up. The gas pumper spots two penguins sitting in the back seat of the car. He asks the driver, Whats up with the penguins in the back seat? The man in the car says I found them. I asked myself what to do with them, but I havent had a clue. The clerk ponders a bit then says, You should take them to the zoo. Hey, thats a good idea, says the man in the car and drives away. The next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station. The clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car. Hey, theyre still here! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo. Oh, I did, says the driver, And we had a swell time. Today I am taking them to the beach.

Lightbulb Joke Collection 91

Q: How many military information officers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: At the present point in time it is against policy and the best interests of military strategy to divulge information of such a statistical nature. Next question, please.
Q: How many running-dog lackeys of the bourgeoisie does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, that's the proletariat's work!
Q: How many running-dog lackeys of the bourgeoisie does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to exploit the proletariat, and one to control the means of production!
Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to assure everyone that everything possible is being done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.
Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five--one to change the light bulb and the other four to fill out the Environmental Impact Statement.
Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One to spot the burned-out bulb, his supervisor to authorize a requisition, a requisition typist, twelve clerks to file the requisition copies, a mail clerk to deliver the requisition to the purchasing department, a purchasing agent to order the bulb, a clerk to forward the purchasing order, a clerk to mail-order a receiving clerk to receive the bulb....
Q: How many art directors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Does it have to be a lightbulb?
Q: How many copyeditors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: The last time this question was asked, it involved art directors. Is the difference intentional? Should one or the other instance be changed? It seems inconsistent.

A football team was short of a...

A football team was short of a goalkeeper, so the captain asked a cow grazing in the next field to join the team. The cow agreed. Later, the local cricket team needed a wicket keeper, so the same cow was asked to do the job. The cow replied: "Who ever heard of a cow playing cricket?"

You might be a redneck if 56

You might be a reneck if...

The neighborhood dogs are afraid to come around your house because the fowl are big enough to hurt them.

You have ever had to climb up on the roof of an out building to get down any fowl that was frozen to the roof.

You have ever worried more about the outbuildings freezing than your vehicles.

You have ever had deer graze in your front yard close enough to the house that you could throw a rock and hit them.

You have ever dug up your driveway to fix your water line.

You have ever had to get up quickly in the morning in order to let the goat out before she dropped raisins on the kitchen floor.

Your wife is the only one that the geese will allow into the laundry room.

Any of your children learned to make very realistic animal noises before they learned to talk.

You have to stop a leak in your flatbottom boat with gum and chewing tobacco.

You have to pay your hair care professional in weekly installments of $3.00.

Idiot one liners

Lets face it, there are a lot of dumb people out there. Sometimes you want to express how stupid they really are and here's how...

An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.

As smart as bait.

Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.

Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair.

Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.

Forgot to pay his brain bill.

His belt doesn't go through all the loops.

If he had another brain, it would be lonely.

Missing a few buttons on his remote control.

Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.

Receiver is off the hook.

Surfing in Nebraska.

An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.

A few beers short of a six-pack.

A few peas short of a casserole.

The cheese slid off his cracker.

Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.

Couldn't pour piss out of a boot with instructions on the heel.

He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

Little Peter was taking his ne...

Little Peter was taking his new puppy for a walk when a policeman stopped him.
“Has your dog got a license?” The policeman asked. “Oh, no,” answered Peter.
“He’s not old enough to drive.”

Golfing with ...

Three gentlemen are golfing one sunny day. They come to a difficult par with a water trap just after the tee. The first golfer proceeds to hit his ball right into the water. To retrieve it, he simply approaches the body of water and extends his golf club. The water parts, he takes his next shot and it lands on the green. The second golfer hits his ball towards the water, but rather than sink, the ball floats on top of the water. The golfer nonchalantly walks across the water and hits the ball onto the green.

The third golfer hits his the ball directly into the water, where it quickly starts to sink. As the ball sinks, a fish grabs the ball in its mouth. At that very moment, a hawk plucks the fish out of the water and begins to carry it aloft. As the bird soars higher, a bolt of lightning startles the bird, which then drops the fish into a nearby tree. When the fish hits a branch of the tree, the ball pops out, rolls down the trunk of the tree, across the green and right into the hole...

Moses turns to Jesus and says "You know, I hate golfing with your Father."