Animal jokes (5296 to 5310)

An atheist was walking through...

An atheist was walking through the woods one day, admiring all that evolution had created.

"What majestic trees! What a powerful river! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself.

As he was walking beside a river, he heard a rustling in the bushes. Turning to look, he saw an 8-foot grizzly bear beginning to charge toward him.

He ran as fast as he could down the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing rapidly.

Somehow, he ran even faster, so scared that tears came to his eyes. He looked again and the bear was even closer. His heart pounding in his chest, he tried to run even faster.

But alas, he tripped and fell to the ground. As he rolled over to pick himself up, the bear was right over him, reaching for him with its left paw and raising its right paw to strike him.

"OH MY GOD! ..." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving ...

As a brilliant light shone upon the man, a thunderous voice came from all around, "You Deny My Existence For All These Years, Teach Others That I Do Not Exist; And Even Credit Creation To Some Cosmic Accident. Do You Expect Me To Help You Out Of This Predicament? Am I To Count You As A Believer???"

Difficult as it was, the atheist looked directly into the light and said, "It would be hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these years, but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?"

"Very Well," said The Voice. The light went out. The river ran. The sounds of the forest resumed.

... and the bear dropped down on his knees, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, thank you for this food which I am about to receive"

Bibles to Boats

A young man from Nebraska moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The manager asks, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid replies, "Yeah, I was one of the best Bible salesman back in Omaha."
The boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You can start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?” The kid responds, "One."
The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"
"$101,237.65."
"$101,237.65? Holy Mother Mary! What did you sell to him?"
"First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then, I sold him a medium fish hook. Then, I sold him a larger fish hook. Then, I sold him a new fishing rod. Then, I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler. Then, he said he didn't think his car would pull it, so I took him down to the automobile department and sold him a 4x4 truck with all the bells and whistles."
"A guy came in here to buy a fish hook, and you sold him a boat and a truck?!"
"No, the guy came in here to buy feminine products for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot. You should go fishing.'"
- Joke shared by Beliefnet member socaliflady

Hero and the Media

A Harley rider is passing the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage, and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Grandpa, can you...?

A little girl said, "Grandpa, can I sit on your lap?

"Why sure you can," her grandfather replied.

As she sat on her grandfather's lap she said, "Grandpa, can you make a sound like a frog?"

"A sound like a frog? Well, sure Grandpa can make a sound like a frog."

The girl said, "Grandpa, will you please, please make a sound like a frog?"

Perplexed, her grandfather said, "Sweetheart, why do you want me to make a sound like a frog?"

And the little girl said, "Because Grandma said that when you croak, we're going to Florida!"

A dog went to a telegram offic...

A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof." The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price." The dog replied, "But that would make no sense at all!"

Why did the chicken cross the ...

Why did the chicken cross the playground?

-To get to the other slide!

Valentines, Redneck

Kudzu is green, my dog's name is Blue And I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you.

Yore hair is like cornsilk, a-flapping in the breeze. Softer than Blue's and without all them fleas.

You move like the bass, which excite me in May. You ain't got no scales, but I luv you anyway.

You're as graceful as okry, jist a-dancin' in the pan. Yo're as fragrant as SunDrop right out of the can.

You have all yore teeth, for which I am proud; I hold my head high when we're in a crowd.

On special occasions, when you shave yore armpits, Well, I'm in hawg heaven, I'm plumb outta my wits.

And speakin' of wits, you've got plenty fer shore. 'Cuz you married me back in '74.

Still them fellers at work they all want to know, What I did to deserve such a purty, young doe.

Like a good roll of duct tape, yo're there fer yore man, To patch up life's troubles and stick 'em in the can.

Yo're as strong as a four-wheeler racin' through the mud, Yet fragile as that sanger named Naomi Judd.

Yo're as cute as a junebug a-buzzin' overhead. You ain't mean like no far ant upon which I oft' tread.

Cut from the best pattern like a flannel shirt of plaid, You sparked up my life like a Rattletrap shad.

When you hold me real tight like a padded gunrack, My life is complete; Ain't nuttin' I lack.

Yore complexion, it's perfection, like the best vinyl sidin'. Despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin'.

And when you get old like a '57 Chevy, Won't put you on blocks and let grass grow up heavy.

Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie, with a RC cold drank, We go together like a skunk goes with stank.

Some men, they buy chocolate for Valentine's Day; They git it at Wal-Mart; It's romantic that way.

Some men git roses on that special day, From the cooler at Kroger.

"That's impressive," I say.

Some men buy fine diamonds from a flea market booth.

"Diamonds are forever," they explain, suave and couth.

But for this man, honey, these will not do. For you are too special, you sweet thang you.

I got you a gift, without taste nor odour, Better than diamonds, it's a new trollin' motor.

Words to live by...

Notice! Take lettuce from the top of the stack, or heads will roll!

Well, if Jerry Springer isn't educational TV, why does it make me feel so much smarter?

A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

I tried to get in touch with my inner child, but he isn't allowed to talk to strangers.

I have to take my paycheck to the bank. It's too little to go by itself.

I must be following my diet too closely. I keep gaining on it.

Welcome to Megacomputer's 24-hour helpline. If you have been waiting LESS than 24 hours, please remain on the line.

Whenever I'm in a mood to watch the world go by, I just keep to the posted speed limit.

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Jack Bauer really enjoys a goo...

Jack Bauer really enjoys a good steak. When he is asked how he wants it prepared, Jack simply walks into the kitchen and takes a bite out of the cow. He then returns to his seat and dabs his face with the napkin. This is usually followed by a Snapple.

A snail slid into a bar. Unfor...

A snail slid into a bar. Unfortunately the barman didn’t allow snails to come inside and kicked him out. A year passed and the exact same snail came back inside of the bar. He walked up to the barman and said, “Why did you do that?”

Little Johnny grew up in the c...

Little Johnny grew up in the city, and went to visit his Uncle Joe on the farm. For the first few days, his uncle showed him the usual things- chickens, cows, crops, etc. After three days, however, it was obvious that Little Johnny was getting bored, and his uncle was running out of things to amuse him with.

Finally, Uncle Joe had an idea. "Why don't you grab a gun, take the dogs, and go shooting?"

This seemed to cheer Little Johnny up, and with enthusiasm, off he went, dogs in trail. After a few hours, Little Johnny returned.

"How did you enjoy that?" asked Uncle Joe.

"It was great!" exclaimed Little Johnny. "Got any more dogs?"

A woman goes to a pet store, a...

A woman goes to a pet store, and sees a beautiful parrot with a sign that says: "Talking parrot, $20."

She asks the owner why such an exotic animal is only $20. The owner says, "Well, the parrot used to live in a house of prostitution, and I'm not sure what sort of things he might say."

The lady buys the parrot thinking it is worth the risk. She takes the parrot home, sets up his cage.

The parrot looks around and says, "New house, new madam." The lady laughs, then her daughter comes home.

The parrot says, "New house, new madam, new girl." The lady explains the story to her daughter and they both laugh.

The woman's husband comes home, and the parrot says, "New house, new madam, new girl, hello Steve."

You might be a redneck if 75

You might be a reneck if...

You have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder.

You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok... without using the word "chicken".

You can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks.

You think that Stormtroopers are just KKK members with really good sheets.

A peaceful meditation session is one without gas.

You can levitate yourself using a force from within, but not THE force.

You have ever had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard.

You ever lost a hand during a light-saber fight because you had to spit. The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters. Wookies are offended by your B.O.

You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.

Two Angry Neighbors

Two neighbors had been fighting each other for nigh on four decades. Bob buys a Great Dane and teaches it to use the bathroom in Bill's yard. For one whole year Bill ignores the dog.
So Bob then buys a cow and teaches it to use the bathroom in Bill's yard. After about a year and a half of Bob's cow crapping in Bill's yard; being ignored all the while, a semi pulls up in front of Bill's house.
Bob runs over and demands to know what's in the 18-wheeler.
'My new pet elephant,' Bill replies solemly.

See if you can do this. Read e...

See if you can do this. Read each line aloud without making any mistakes. If you make a mistake you MUST start over or it won't work.

This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is moron cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat

Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top...