Animal jokes (5311 to 5325)

How many calories do we burn during sex

The diet literature explains calories burned while jogging, playing tennis or golfing, but similar information concerning sexual activity has, until now, been unavailable.

Yet, a survey of 206,000,000 people indicated that 96% devote more time and effort to sex than jogging, tennis, or golf, and we felt that the time was right for a new type of sex manual.

EXAMPLES:

1 hr. intensive foreplay Burns Off:

1 slice (large) chocolate cake.

25 min. nonstop lovemaking Burns Off:

2 slices of pizza with cheese & mushrooms.

53 min. of kissing partner Burns Off:

1 cheeseburger with 14 french fries.

53 minutes kissing yourself Burns Off: Christmas turkey with all the trimmings.

PREPARING THE BEDROOM

Includes setting the snooze alarm and dimming the lights: 42 (calories burned)

ADDITIONAL LAST MINUTE PREPARATIONS

Hiding the sex manual: 3

Decanting the wine: 4

Without a corkscrew: 268

MAKING THE FIRST MOVE

If you are shy: 15

If you are anxious: 43

If you beg: 100

SEDUCING THE PARTNER

If you are rich (cash): 5

If you are rich (credit card): 15

If you are poor: 200

INITIAL BODY CONTACT

Fumbling: 4

Casually rummaging around: 7

Seriously rummaging around: 42

REMOVING CLOTHES

With partner's consent: 12

Without partner's consent: 187

Removing socks by violently shaking feet: 418

AROUSAL AND STIMULATION

Blowing in partner's ear: 15

Blowing in your own ear: 2,512

DISAPPOINTMENT (after seeing partner undressed

Partner looks better with clothes on: 10

Partner wears corrective underwear: 15

Partner turns out to be of wrong sex: 100

You don't mind: 0.25

Partner wearing elevated socks: 50

DOING IT FOR THE FIRST TIME

Fumbling around: 4

Desperately trying to put something somewhere: 18

Completely missing: 126

POSITIONS

Italian (man on top; woman on bottom): 26

German (facing each other, but in different beds): 48

English (woman on top; man hiding): 15

American (both on top): 1,243

AFFLICTIONS

Leg cramp: 36

Making believe you don't have a leg cramp: 612

Sneezing (during intercourse): 7

Sneezing (during orgasm): 588

ASSORTED ACCIDENTS

Toupee slips off (if your partner knew you wore one): 5

Toupee slips off (if partner didn't know): 72

Extinguishing cigarette (in ashtray): 1

Extinguishing cigarette (in mattress): 17

Extinguishing cigarette (in partner's leg): 133

Calling your partner the wrong name: 50

ORGASMIC INTENSITY SCALE

Shoes flew off: 15

Expression didn't change: 0.5

Room turned purple: 4

Face turned purple: 78

Earth moved: 30

If Earth actually moved: 1,234,588

Moaning in Turkish: 506

THINGS OFTEN SAID AFTER SEX

"I am so grateful": 15

"It must have been something we ate": 15

"Was it good for you?": 15

"Are you finished?": 15

TRYING AGAIN

If woman is ready: 5

If man is not: 563

ROLLING OVER AND GOING TO SLEEP

After sex: 18

During sex: 546

While parking car: 212

SLEEP

Real: 5

Faked (a good way to avoid sex-craved partner): 74

TAKING A BATH TOGETHER

In a bath: 5

In a sink: 150

In a jacuzzi: 15,269

MAKING THE BED

With partner still in it: 44 (indicates either a neatness obsession, a severe optic disorder, or a partner who is very tired).

With you still in it: 97 (suggests extreme withdrawal and profound dissatisfaction)

KEEPING A JOURNAL

Maintaining your own record of sexual activity will be helpful for keeping track of weight loss. You needn't go into detail, just list the activity and the number of calories burned.

A typical entry in a woman's journal (for example) for a pleasant low-key sexual experience might read as follows:

December 1st: Sex with Harold

Explaining how: 12

Suggesting something different: 3

Calming terrified Harold: 40

Encouraging him to at least take off his socks: 8

Foreplay (a little of this; a little of that): 56

Intercourse (standing position): 22

Intercourse (holding Harold up): 10

Intercourse (urging him on): 5

Orgasm: not sure

Thanking Harold: 3

Waving bye-bye: 1

Total time: six minutes (taxi waiting)

Total calories burned: 160

Polar Bear

2 polarbers are walking around in the artic. a father and son pair. The son looks at the father and says, " Dad i got a question, are u sure I am 100% polarbear?". The father looks at his son and says, "Yes son your 100% polar bear"

"OK" the son says

They keep walking and about 20 min later the son again says: "Are you sure I am 100% polarbear?" The father again says, "Yes son you're 100% polar bear"

"OK" the son says

Then about 30 min later the son says, "OK dad be serious are you sure I am 100% polarbear are You sure there is no blackbear or grizzly bar in me??" "Yes son your 100% polarbear, I am 100% polarbear and so is your monther. Why do u keep asking son?" The son says, "Well I dont know about u but I am freezing"

I get so drunk that I imagine things

The drunk was floundering down the alley carrying a box with holes on the side. He bumped into a friend who asked, "What do you have in there, pal?"

"A mongoose."

"What for?"

"Well, you know how drunk I can get. When I get drunk I see snakes, and I'm scared to death of snakes. That's why I got this mongoose, for protection."

"But," the friend said, "you idiot! Those are imaginary snakes."

"That's okay," said the drunk, showing his friend the interior of the box, "So is the mongoose."

Scary Collection 19

A vampire joke
What did the vampire say after he had been to the dentist?
Fangs very much!

A vampire joke
What happened when the vampire went to the blood bank?
He asked to make a withdrawal!

A skeleton joke
What sort of soup do skeletons like?
One with plenty of body in it!

A werewolf joke
What happened to the werewlf who ate garlic?
His bark was worse than his bite!

A werewolf joke
What do you get if you cross a werewolf and a hyena?
I don't know, but if it laughs I'll join in!

A skeleton joke
What kind of plate does a skeleton eat off?
Bone china!

A skeleton joke
Which skeleton wears a kilt?
Boney Prince Charlie!

A man who has been un-decided ...

A man who has been un-decided about his sexuality all his life finally decides he is going to try sex with another man.

He goes to the local gay bar, and orders a drink.

The barman says "You look nervous, first time?"

"Yes" Says the man.

"Not to worry, I will take you back to my house and have sex with you. If you don't like it make the noise of an animal, and if you do like it, just sing a song."

The man agrees and goes home with the barman at the end of his shift. They go into his bedroom, and the barman strips him off and starts giving him one in the arse. He hears his new friend screaming "Moooo , moooo, MOON RIVER."

Three Wishes for Three Priests

Three priests died and came up to St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter looked up the priests and informed them there had been a mistake; they were not supposed to die for another 10 years or so.
The priests were upset about this and asked St. Peter what could be done. St. Peter said that he would send them back to earth in any form they wanted until the problem was fixed.
St Peter asks the first priest, " What do you want to become?" and the first priest replies," I always wanted to be an eagle and see all of God's creation from above."
"Done." St. Peter snaps his fingers and the first priest disappears.
St. Peter asks the second priest, "What do you want to become?" and the second priest replies, "I always wanted to be a dolphin and see all of God's creation from under the sea."
"Done." St Peter snaps his fingers and the second priest disappears like the first.
St. Peter asks the third priest, "What do you want to become?"" and the third priest shyly says, ""Well... my wish is kind of sinful."
"No matter. You can choose any form you want." St. Peter says and the third priest replies, "Well, I always wanted to be a...stud, you know?"
St .Peter replies, "I don't see a problem with that." St. Peter snaps his fingers and the third priest disappears.
Later, Jesus asked St. Peter, " I heard there was a problem with three priests being here before their time. Where are they?"
St. Peter explained, "One is soaring high above the Grand Canyon. The second is swimming in the North Atlantic. The third is on the left rear tire of a Chevy Blazer."
- Joke shared on Beliefnet's Religious Humor page

50 fun things for professors t...

50 fun things for professors to do on the first day of class...

1.Wear a hood with one eye hole. Periodically make strange gurgling noises.

2.After confirming everyone's names on the roll, thank the class for attending "Advanced Astrodynamics 690" and mention that yesterday was the last day to drop.

3.After turning on the overhead projector, clutch your chest and scream "MY PACEMAKER!"

4.wear a pointed Kaiser helmet and a monocle and carry a riding crop.

5.Gradually speak softer and softer and then suddenly point to a student and scream "YOU! WHAT DID I JUST SAY?"

6.Deliver your lecture through a hand puppet. If a student asks you a question directly, say in a high-pitched voice, "The Professor can't hear you, you'll have to ask 'me', Winky Willy."

7.If someone asks a question, walk silently over to their seat, hand them your piece of chalk, and ask, "Would YOU like to give the lecture, Mr. Smartypants?"

8.Pick out random students, ask them questions, and time their responses with a stop watch. Record their times in you grade book while muttering "tsk, tsk."

9.Ask students to call you "Tinkerbell" or "Surfin' Bird."

10.Stop in mid-lecture, frown for a moment, and then ask the class whether your butt looks fat.

11.Play "Kumbaya" on the banjo.

12.Show a video on medieval torture implements to your calculus class. Giggle throughout it.

13.Announce "you'll need this," and write the suicide prevention hotline number on the board.

14.Wear mirrored sunglasses and speak only in Turkish. Ignore all questions.

15.Start the lecture by dancing and lip-synching to James Brown's "Sex Machine."

16.Ask occasional questions, but mutter "as if you gibbering simps would know" and move on before anyone can answer.

17.Ask the class to read Jenkins through Johnson of the local phone book by the next lecture. Vaguely imply that there will be a quiz.

18.Have one of your graduate students sprinkle flower petals ahead of you as you pace back and forth.

19.Address students as "worm."

20.Announce to students that their entire grades will be based on a single-question oral final exam. Imply that this could happen at any moment.

21.Turn off the lights, play a tape of crickets chirping, and begin singing spirituals.

22.Ask for a volunteer for a demonstration. Ask them to fill out a waiver as you put on a lead apron and light a blowtorch.

23.Point the overhead projector at the class. Demand each student's name, rank, and serial number.

24.Begin class by smashing the neck off a bottle of vodka, and announce that the lecture's over when the bottle's done.

25.Have a band waiting in the corner of the room. When anyone asks a question, have the band start playing and sing an Elvis song.

26.Every so often, freeze in mid sentence and stare off into space for several minutes. After a long, awkward silence, resume your sentence and proceed normally.

27.Wear a "virtual reality" helmet and strange gloves. When someone asks a question, turn in their direction and make throttling motions with your hands.

28.Mention in passing that you're wearing rubber underwear.

29.Growl constantly and address students as "matey."

30.Devote your math lecture to free verse about your favorite numbers and ask students to "sit back and groove."

31.Announce that last year's students have almost finished their class projects.

32.Inform your English class that they need to know Fortran and code all their essays. Deliver a lecture on output format statements.

33.Bring a small dog to class. Tell the class he's named "Boogers McGee" and is your "mascot." Whenever someone asks a question, walk over to the dog and ask it, "What'll be, McGee?"

34.Wear a feather boa and ask students to call you "Snuggles."

35.Tell your math students that they must do all their work in a base 11 number system. use a complicated symbol you've named after yourself in place of the number 10 and threaten to fail students who don't use it.

36.Claim to be a chicken. Squat, cluck, and produce eggs at irregular intervals.

37.Bring a CPR dummy to class and announce that it will be the teaching assistant for the semester. Assign it an office and office hours.

38.Have a grad student in a black beret pluck at the bass while you lecture.

39.Sprint from the room in a panic if you hear sirens outside.

40.Give an opening monologue. Take two minute "commercial breaks" every ten minutes.

41.Tell students that you'll fail them if they cheat on exams or "fake the funk."

42.Announce that you need to deliver two lectures that day, and deliver them in rapid-fire auctioneer style.

43.Pass out dental floss to students floss to students and devote the lecture to oral hygiene.

44.Announce that the entire 32-volume Encyclopedia Britannica will be required reading for you class. Assign a report on Volume 1, Aardvark through Armenia, for next class.

45.Ask students to list their favorite show tunes on a sign-up sheet. Criticize their choices and make notes in you grade book.

46.Sneeze on students in the front row and wipe your nose on your tie.

47.Warn students that they should being a snack lunch to exams.

48.Refer frequently to students who died while taking your class.

49.Show up to lecture in a ventilated clean suit. Advise students to keep their distance for their own safety and mutter something about "that bug I picked up in the field."

50.Jog into class, rip the textbook in half, and scream, "Are you pumped? ARE YOU PUMPED? I CAN'T HEEEEEAR YOU!"

Question and answer animal jokes

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?

A: To show the armadillo that it was possible.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?

A: To get away from Colonel Sanders!

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road twice?

A: Because it was a double-crosser.

Q: Why did the Iraqi chicken cross the road?

A: To take over the other side.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground?

A: To get to the other slide.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the beach?

A: To get to the other tide.

Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road?

A: Chickens hadn't evolved yet.

On a tropical island

On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:

Two Italian men and one Italian woman

Two French men and one French woman

Two German men and one German woman

Two Greek men and one Greek woman

Two English men and one English woman

Two Polish men and one Polish woman

Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman

Two American men and one American woman

Two Australian men and one Australian woman

Two New Zealand men and one New Zealand woman

Two Irish men and one Irish woman

One month later the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living an sleeping happily together.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

The two Polish men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the Polish woman and they started swimming.

The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, while the American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend

respected her opinion and treated her much nicer and how her relationship with her mother is improving - but at least the taxes are low and it's not raining.

The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for further instructions.

The two Australian men beat each other senseless for the Australian woman, who is checking out all the other men after calling them both 'bloody wankers'.

Both the New Zealand men are searching the island for sheep.

The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South and by setting up a distillery. They do not remember if woman is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few bottles of coconut whisky, but they are satisfied in that at least the English are not getting any.

How was I born?

A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents, "How was I born?"

"Well honey..." said the slightly prudish parent, "the stork brought you to us."

"Oh," said the boy. "Well, how did you and daddy get born?" he asked.

"Oh, the stork brought us too."

"Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" he persisted.

"Well darling, the stork brought them too!" said the parent, by now starting to squirm a little in the Lazy Boy recliner.

Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence: "This report has been very difficult to write because there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."

Q. What is Snoop Dog's favorit...

Q. What is Snoop Dog's favorite weather?
A. Drizzle

Insulting Parrot

A lady was walking past a pet store when a parrot said, Hey, lady! Youre really ugly! The lady was angry, but she continued on her way.
On the way home, she passed by the pet store again, and again, the parrot said, Hey, lady! Youre really ugly! Furious, the lady stormed into the store and threatened to sue the store.
The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didnt say it again.
The next day, she deliberately passed by the store to test the parrot. Hey, lady! it said.
Yes?
You know....

Dating Hints For Men

Dating hints for gentlemen
There are lots of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things NOT to say on a date...
I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.
I refuse to get cable. That's how they keep tabs on you.
I used to come here all the time with my ex.
Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the answering machine every hour.
I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look.
It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just won't be as smart as I am.

A seaman meets a pirate in a b...

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns to tell their adventures on the seas. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, hook, and an eye patch. Curious, the seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"

The pirate replies "I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off".

"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about the hook"?

"Well...", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand clean off."

"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"?

"A seagull dropping fell into my eye", replied the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked.

"Well..." said the pirate, "That was my first day with this hook."

The Mule, the Monkey & The Man

God created the mule, and told him, "You are mule. You will work constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years."
The mule answered, "To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20."
And it was so.
Then God created the dog, and told him, "You are dog. You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years."
The dog responded, "Lord, to live 25 years as a dog like that is too much. Please, no more than 10 years."
And it was so.
God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years."The monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no than 10 years."
And it was so.
Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only rational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years."
The man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord; give me the 20 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected."
And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 20 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse his grandchildren.
And it is so ...