Animal jokes (5641 to 5655)

Two guys are out in the woods ...

Two guys are out in the woods hiking.

All of a sudden, a bear starts chasing them. They climb a tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them.

The first guy gets his sneakers out of his knapsack and starts putting them on.

The second guy says, "What are you doing? He says, "I figure when the bear gets too close, we'll have to jump down and make a run for it." The second guy says, "Are you crazy? You can't outrun a bear"!

The first guy says, "I don't have to outrun the bear. I only have to outrun youÂ…

What do you call 10 rabbits wa...

What do you call 10 rabbits walking backwards?

... A receding hair line.

Man to police: I found a dead ...

Man to police: I found a dead cat -- someone threw it into my garden! Cop: All right, come back in six weeks and if no one else has claimed it, you can keep it.

Cat Rescue

Larry, a local football star, is jogging down the street when he sees a building on fire. A lady is standing on a third story ledge holding her cat in her arms.
Hey, lady, yells Larry, Throw me the cat!
No, she cries, Its too far!
I play football. I can catch him!
The smoke is pouring from the windows. The woman kisses her cat goodbye and tosses it down to the street.
Larry keeps his eye on the cat as it comes hurtling down toward him. The feline bounces off an awning and he runs into the street to catch it. He jumps six feet into the air and makes a spectacular one-handed catch. The crowd that has gathered to watch the fire breaks into cheers.
Larry does a little dance, lifts the cat above his head, wiggles his knees back and forth, then spikes the cat into the pavement.

Big Chief

A young reporter is out on her first assignment, a full piece story on the local Indian reservation and it's tribe. The first day the reporter arrives and is greeted by a young Indian with one feather in his headband.

The reporter asks "What is the one feather for?"

The indian replies "One feather for one woman I sleep with."

"Oh, ok." replies the reporter, kind of thrown off guard by his response.

The next night at dinner the reporter meets the Chiefs son, who has 20 feathers in his headband, so the reporter asks "What are the 20 feathers for?"

"20 feathers for 20 women I sleep with." he says.

The reporter replies "Oh, gosh! That's a lot!"

The chiefs son says "Come, me introduce you to Chief"

So finally, the reporter is introduced to the tribes Chief and the Chief has this long flowing fancy head-dress with feathers down to the floor and dragging behind him.

The reporter must ask: "Chief, what are all the feathers for?"

The Chief says "Each feather for each woman I sleep with."

"Oh, dear!" says the reporter.

Quickly, the Chief replies, "Deer? Deer no good, ass too high, run through bush too fast!!"

Edited by Curtis and Calamjo

Police Dog

A police dog responds to an ad for work with the FBI. "Well," says the personnel director, "You'll have to meet some strict requirements. First, you must type at least 60 words per minute."

Sitting down at the typewriter, the dog types out 80 words per minute.

"Also," says the director, "You must pass a physical and complete the obstacle course."

This perfect canine specimen finishes the course in record time.

"There's one last requirement," the director continues; "you must be bilingual."

With confidence, the dog looks up at him and says, "Meow!"

Four Cats

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.

How does a pig go to hospital...

How does a pig go to hospital?

Louisiana Crazy Law

It is illegal to gargle in public places.

It is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the bank teller with a water pistol.

Biting someone with your natural teeth is "simple assault," while biting someone with your false teeth is "aggravated assault."

New Orleans

It illegal for a woman to drive a car unless her husband is waving a flag in front of it.

You may not tie an alligator to a fire hydrant.

#joke #animal #alligator

Monkeys

Once upon a time, a man appeared in a village and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.

Two dudes found some tracks in...

Two dudes found some tracks in the woods. "Those are deer tracks," said one. "No, those are wolf tracks," said the other. They were still arguing when a train hit them.

Bee Jokes 04

Q: Why do bees buzz?
A: Because they can't whistle!
Q: Can bees fly in the rain?
A: Not without their little yellow jackets!

Q: Why did the bee started talking poetry?
A: He was waxing lyrical!

Q: What goes zzub, zzub?
A: A bee flying backwards!

Q: What are the cleverest bees?
A: Spelling bees!

Q: What bee is good for your health?
A: Vitamin bee!

Q: What's a bees favorite novel?
A: The Great Gats-bee!

Q: What do you get if you cross a bee with a door bell?
A: A hum dinger!

Q: How many bees do you need in a bee choir?
A: A humdred!

These two guys were walking do...

These two guys were walking down the street and see this dog licking his balls.

First guy says, "I wish I could do that."

Other guy says, "Aren't you going to pet him first?"

Situational Awareness Scenario...

Situational Awareness Scenario

You are driving in a car at a constant speed.

On your left side is a drop-off and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you.

In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level.

Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

(Answer below)




Answer:
Get off the children's merry-go-round, you're drunk.

Dumb monkey

Why did t...

Dumb monkey

Why did the first monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it died.
Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was holding hands with the first monkey

why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?

because it thought they were playing a game!