Animal jokes (5656 to 5670)Jokes about animals. These are the jokes listed 5656 to 5670. |
What did the Spanish farmer sa...
What did the Spanish farmer say to his chickens,Golfer Goes to the Emergency Room
A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, he tells the doctor, when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it, and I noticed one of the cows had something white in its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was my wifes golf ball stuck right in the cows butt. Thats when I made my mistake.
What did you do? asks the doctor.
Well, as I was standing there holding up the tail, I yelled to my wife, Hey, this looks like yours!
Head hog....
One day a man called the church office and said, "Can I speak to the head hog at the trough?"
The secretary thought she heard what he said, but said, "I'm sorry, who?
The caller repeated, "Can I speak to the head hog at the trough?"
She said, "Well, if you mean the preacher, then you may refer to him as 'Pastor,' or 'Brother,' but I prefer that you not refer to him as the 'head hog at the trough'!"
To this, the man replied, "Well, I was planning on giving $100,000 to the church building fund . . ."
To this, the secretary quickly responded, "Hang on, I think the big fat pig just walked in!"
Knock Knock Collection 143
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Othello!
Othello who?
Othello you thalked to me!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Otis!
Otis who?
Otis a sin to tell a lie!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ottawa!
Ottawa who?
Ottawa know you're telling the truth?
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Oewn!
Owen who?
Owen you open this door, I'm going to give you such a roasting!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Owl!
Owl who?
Owl Aboard!
Hunting Season
The Wednesday night church service coincided with the last day of hunting season. During the service, our pastor asked who had bagged a deer. No one raised a hand.
Puzzled, the pastor said, “I don't get it. Last week many of you said you wouldn't be at church Sunday because of hunting season. I had the whole congregation pray for your deer.â€
One hunter said, "Well, preacher, it worked. They're all safe.â€
A first-grade teacher was havi...
A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students.The teacher asked, "Little Johnny what is your problem?"
Little Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"
The teacher had had enough.
She took Little Johnny to the principal's office.
While Little Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.
The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.
The teacher agreed.
Little Johnny was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Little Johnny: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Little Johnny: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know.
The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Little Johnny can go to the third-grade."
The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?"
The principal and Little Johnny both agree.
The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Little Johnny, after a moment, "Legs."
Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!
Little Johnny replied, "Pockets."
Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Little Johnny: "Pants"
Teacher: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Little Johnny: Coconut
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer,
Little Johnny was taking charge.
Teacher: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
Little Johnny: Bubblegum
Teacher: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.
Little Johnny: Shake hands
Teacher: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?
Little Johnny: Yep.
Teacher: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Little Johnny: Tent
Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.
Principal was looking restless and bit tense.
Little Johnny: Wedding Ring
Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Little Johnny: Nose
Teacher: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Little Johnny: Arrow
Teacher: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?
Little Johnny: Firetruck
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Little Johnny in the fifth-grade, I missed the last ten questions myself."
Eat pork?
A Rabbi who's been leading a congregation for many years is upset by the fact that he's never been able to eat pork. So he devises a plan whereby he flies to a remote tropical island and checks into a hotel.
He immediately gets himself a table at the finest restaurant and orders the most expensive pork dish on the menu. As he's eagerly waiting for it to be served, he hears his name called from across the restaurant.
He looks up to see 10 of his loyal congregants approaching. His luck, they'd chosen the same time to visit the same remote location!
Just at that moment, the waiter comes out with a huge silver tray carrying a whole roasted pig with an apple in its mouth. The Rabbi looks up sheepishly at his congregants and says, "Wow - you order an apple in this place and look how it's served!"
Fear of Flying
There was a religious woman who had to do a lot of traveling for her business. Flying made her very nervous, so she always took her Bible along with her.
One time, she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible, he gave a little chuckle and smirk and went back to what he was doing.
After awhile, he turned to her and asked, "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?"
The woman replied, "Of course I do. It is the Bible."
He said, "Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?"
She replied, "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible."
He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?"
The woman said, "Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him."
"What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.
"Then you can ask him," replied the woman.
There were four men, one from ...
There were four men, one from China, Greenland, America and onefrom Australia.
One night they were bragging on how good their country are. The
Chinese said, "my country is the best cause we have the great
wall."
The Greenlander said, "no, mine is the best as we have the
greenest greenest grass."
The American said, "no, mine is the best as we have our flag 50
stars and 50 stripes."
The Australian said, "no, mine is the greatest country as we
have the kangaroo which will jump over the great wall, shit on
the greenest greenest grass and wipe its ass on the American
flag."
Good advice...
A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along when, all of a sudden, a cat attacks them. The mother mouse goes, "BARK!!" and the cat runs away.
"See?" says the mother mouse to her baby, "how important it is for you to learn a foreign language?"
Poem Of English
Dearest creature in creation,
Study English pronunciation.
I will teach you in my verse
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.
I will keep you, Suzy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy.
Tear in eye, your dress will tear.
So shall I! Oh hear my prayer.
Just compare heart, beard, and heard,
Dies and diet, lord and word,
Sword and sward, retain and Britain.
(Mind the latter, how it's written.)
Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as plaque and ague.
But be careful how you speak:
Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;
Cloven, oven, how and low,
Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.
Hear me say, devoid of trickery,
Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore,
Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,
Exiles, similes, and reviles;
Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
Solar, mica, war and far;
One, anemone, Balmoral,
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;
Gertrude, German, wind and mind,
Scene, Melpomene, mankind.
Billet does not rhyme with ballet,
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.
Blood and flood are not like food,
Nor is mould like should and would.
Viscous, viscount, load and broad,
Toward, to forward, to reward.
And your pronunciation's OK
When you correctly say croquet,
Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,
Friend and fiend, alive and live.
Ivy, privy, famous; clamour
And enamour rhyme with hammer.
River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,
Doll and roll and some and home.
Stranger does not rhyme with anger,
Neither does devour with clangour.
Souls but foul, haunt but aunt,
Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant,
Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger,
And then singer, ginger, linger,
Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge,
Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.
Query does not rhyme with very,
Nor does fury sound like bury.
Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth.
Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath.
Though the differences seem little,
We say actual but victual.
Refer does not rhyme with deafer.
Foeffer does, and zephyr, heifer.
Mint, pint, senate and sedate;
Dull, bull, and George ate late.
Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,
Science, conscience, scientific.
Liberty, library, heave and heaven,
Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven.
We say hallowed, but allowed,
People, leopard, towed, but vowed.
Mark the differences, moreover,
Between mover, cover, clover;
Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
Chalice, but police and lice;
Camel, constable, unstable,
Principle, disciple, label.
Petal, panel, and canal,
Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal.
Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,
Senator, spectator, mayor.
Tour, but our and succour, four.
Gas, alas, and Arkansas.
Sea, idea, Korea, area,
Psalm, Maria, but malaria.
Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean.
Doctrine, turpentine, marine.
Compare alien with Italian,
Dandelion and battalion.
Sally with ally, yea, ye,
Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.
Say aver, but ever, fever,
Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.
Heron, granary, canary.
Crevice and device and aerie.
Face, but preface, not efface.
Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.
Large, but target, gin, give, verging,
Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging.
Ear, but earn and wear and tear
Do not rhyme with here but ere.
Seven is right, but so is even,
Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen,
Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk,
Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.
Pronunciation -- think of Psyche!
Is a paling stout and spikey?
Won't it make you lose your wits,
Writing groats and saying grits?
It's a dark abyss or tunnel:
Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale,
Islington and Isle of Wight,
Housewife, verdict and indict.
Finally, which rhymes with enough --
Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough?
Hiccough has the sound of cup.
My advice is to give up!
Jim strolls into the paint sec...
Jim strolls into the paint section of a hardware store and walks up to the assistant. "I'd like a pint of canary-colored paint," he says."Certainly," says the clerk. "Mind if I ask why you need it?"
"My parakeet," says Jim. "See, I want to enter him in a canary contest. He sings so sweetly that I know he's sure to win."
"Well, you can't do that!" the assistant says. "The chemicals in the paint will almost certainly kill the poor thing!"
"No, they won't," Jim replies.
"Listen, Buddy, I'll bet you ten bucks your parakeet dies if you try to paint him."
"You're on!" says Jim.
Two days later Jim comes back looking very sheepish and puts ten dollars on the counter in front of the clerk.
"So the paint killed your bird?"
"Indirectly," Jim says. "He seemed to handle the paint okay, but he didn't survive the sanding between coats."
