Animal jokes (571 to 585)Jokes about animals. These are the jokes listed 571 to 585. |
There was a boy playing in the
There was a boy playing in the farm field when his mom called him in for breakfast. On his way in he kicked a cow, pig, and a chicken. So when he gets to the table he sees a dry bowl of cereal."What's the deal?" he asks.
His mom says, "You kicked the cow so no milk for you, you kicked the pig so no bacon for you, and you kicked the chicken so no eggs for you."
Then his father walks into the kitchen and accidentally kicked the cat.
The the boy says, "Do you want me to tell him or should you?"
A woman is out looking for a p
A woman is out looking for a pet, and so she's trying the local pet shops. She walks into a small pet shop and explains her need to the attendant. He thinks for a moment and then says, "I've got just the thing for you madam. I'll just get him."With that, he disappears into the back of the shop, and returns a few seconds later with a cute little puppy. "This dog is a special dog," he tells her. "It is able to fly," he explains, and with that throws the dog into the air. It immediately begins to float gracefully around the shop.
"There is one problem with him, however. Whenever you say 'my', he'll eat whatever you've mentioned. Watch. "My apple!" The lady watches in astonishment as the dog zooms over to the shop attendant and furiously devours an apple he has produced from his pocket.
"He's cute, and so unusual. I'll take him," she says, and a few minutes later she is on her way back home with dog to show her husband.
"Darling, look what a clever pet I bought today!" she exclaims when she gets back home. "He can fly!"
The husband peers at the dog, and then remarks, "Fly eh?.. Ha! My ass!"
Soap In My Chicken
Little Henry sits at the dinner table. He reaches for his plate, picks up a chicken leg, and starts to eat. His mother says, "Henry did you wash your hands?"
Henry replies, "No! I don’t want my chicken to taste like soap, mom!"
Bumper Stickers 11
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
A penny saved is ridiculous.
All that glitters has a high refractive index.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Anarchy is better than no government at all.
Any small object when dropped will hide under a larger object.
Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
Two buddies were sharing drink
Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. "Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?" asked the one."Well, not exactly." his friend replied, "she's more into the trick dog aspect of it."
"Oh, I see, kinky, huh?"
"Well, not exactly - I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead."
Fishermen Killed
Many years ago, a fisherman's wife blessed her husband with twin sons. They loved the children very much, but couldn't think of what to name their children. Finally, after several days, the fisherman said, "Let's not decide on names right now. If we wait a little while, the names will simply occur to us."
After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed a peculiar fact. When left alone, one of the boys would also turn towards the sea, while the other boy would face inland. It didn't matter which way the parents positioned the children, the same child always faced the same direction. "Let's call the boys Towards and Away," suggested the fisherman. His wife agreed, and from that point on, the boys were simply known as Towards and Away.
The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong. The day came when the aging fisherman said to his sons, "Boys, it is time that learned how to make a living from the sea." They provisioned their ship, said their goodbyes, and set sail for a three month voyage.
The three months passed quickly for the fisherman's wife, yet the ship had not returned. Another three months passed, and still no ship. Three whole years passed before the greiving woman saw a lone man walking towards her house. She recognized him as her husband. "My goodness! What has happened to my darling boys?" she cried.
The ragged fisherman began to tell his story: "We were just barely one whole day out to see when Towards hooked into a great fish. Towards fought long and hard, but the fish was more than his equal. For a whole week they wrestled upon the waves without either of them letting up. Yet eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and Towards was pulled over the side of our ship. He was swallowed whole, and we never saw either of them again."
"Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What a huge fish that must of been!"
"Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away...."
#joke #animal #fish
Reptile Jokes 02
Where do frogs keep their money?
In a river bank!
What kind of bull doesn't have horns?
A bullfrog!
What jumps up and down in front of a car?
Froglights!
Why doesn't Kermit the Frog like elephants?
They always want to play leap frog with him!
Why was the frog down in the mouth?
He was un hoppy!
Why is a frog luckier than a cat?
Because a frog croaks all the time but a cat only gets to croak nine times!
What's a toad's favorite ballet?
Swamp Lake!
Whats green and can jump a mile a minute?
A frog with hiccups!
Why did the lizard go on a diet?
It weighed too much for its scales!
What do you call the English Toad Prize giving cermony?
The Brit Awarts!
Not So Long Ago...
A window was a pane of glass you always had to clean. And a hacker had a lousy swing and could never hit the green.Meg was the name of a girlfriend and a Gig was played on stage.
Memory was what our elders lost in their golden age.
An application was for employment and a program was a show.
A cursor used to cuss a lot and mail didn't seem that slow.
A CD was for money in a long term bank account. And if you had a floppy you hoped that nobody ever found out.
Compress was something you did to garbage not something you did to a file. And if you unzipped in public you'd be in jail a while.
A keyboard was on a piano, a hard drive was down a long road.
A mouse pad was where Mighty Mouse lived and a backup involved a commode.
Cut you did with a pocket knife, paste you did with glue.
A web was what a spider wove and a virus meant the flu.
Nobody gets killed in a computer crash but some would've rather been dead, I guess I'll stick to pen and paper and the memory still in my head.
If I could ever go back in time and start all over again, I'd make sure that I grew up as Bill Gate's closest friend.
