Animal jokes (5776 to 5790)Jokes about animals. These are the jokes listed 5776 to 5790. |
A special celebration...
While enjoying an early morning breakfast in a northern Arizona cafe, four elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather to how things used to be in the "good old days."
Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and asked, "Roy, aren't you and your bride celebrating your 50th wedding anniversary soon?"
"Yup, we sure are," Roy replied.
"Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?" another man asked.
The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, "For our 25th anniversary, I took the misses to Tucson. For our 50th, I'm thinking about going down there again to pick her up."
Corporate Lesson 4
Corporate Lesson 4
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"
The crow answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up. #joke #animal #rabbit #fox
Iraq One Liners
Q. What do Saddam Hussein and General Custer have in common?A. They both want to know where all those Tomahawks are coming from!
Q: What is the best Iraqi job?
A: Foreign Ambassador.
Q: Did you hear that it is twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter pilots?
A. You only have to teach them to take off.
Q. How do you play Iraqi bingo?
A. B-52...F-16...B-2.
Q: What is Iraq's national bird?
A: Duck.
Snake Solves Problem
I was driving down a lonely country road one cold winter day when it began to sleet pretty heavily. My windows were getting icy and my wiper blades were badly worn and quickly fell apart under the strain.
Unable to drive any further because of the ice building up on my front window I suddenly had a great idea. I stopped and began to overturn large rocks until I located two very lethargic hibernating rattle snakes. I grabbed them up, straightened them out flat and installed them on my blades and they worked just fine.
What! You've never heard of . . . wind chilled vipers?
The millionaire...
A rich millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his fiftieth birthday, so during this party he grabs the mic and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two great white sharks in it. "I will give anything they desire of mine, to the person who swims across that pool."
So the party continues with no events in the pool, until SUDDENLY, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened, and in the pool is a man and he is swimming as hard as he can, and the fins come out of the water and the jaws are snapping and this guy just keeps on going and the sharks are gaining on him and this guy reaches the end and he gets out of the pool, wet and soaked!
The millionaire grabs the mic and says, "I am a man of his word, anything of mine I will give, my Ferraris, my house, absolutely anything, for you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So sir what will it be?" the millionaire asks.
The guy grabs the mic and says, "Why don't we start with the name of the idiot that pushed me in!"
SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVER...
SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE!
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan
What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
20 kilos
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.
What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."
Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."
Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides
A man walks into a bar and sta...
A man walks into a bar and starts to drink. After he is pretty well sozzled, one of the bartenders starts to talk about his pet, a fun loving purple gorilla. The drunken man demands to see this purple gorilla. The bartender refuses at first, but in the end is convinced to show his prize animal."But whatever you do, don't you touch my purple gorilla." he tells the now drunk customer.
He closes the bar, and leads the drunk through a back door and down a great many flights of stairs, at the bottom of which is a heavy steel door with a heavy iron padlock.
As the bartender fumbles with the lock, he reminds the drunk, "Remember, you promised not to touch my purple gorilla."
Through the door they walk down an immense hallway, so long the other end was lost in the distance. Constantly as they walked, the bartender repeated his warnings not to touch the purple gorilla.
At the end of the hallway was a 20 foot tall rough wooden door bound in brass, with three great steel sliding bolts. Acting as though he were ready to change his mind the bartender once more says, "Now you promised, if I show you this creature, you are absolutely, positively, under no circumstances going to touch my purple gorilla.
The drunk, who by now is getting quite anxious to see this wondrous beast, agrees with the bartender that he would never for any reason at all touch such a rare and wonderful pet.
With that the bartender unlatches the three massive slide bolts and slowly opens the door. On the other side is a stadium sized room in the middle of which was a large iron cage. As they approached the cage, the drunk saw that there was indeed, a 12 foot tall, massively muscled, purple haired gorilla. And a finer specimen of the species has never and will never be found, in this world or any other. For half an hour at least the drunk stood marveling at the creature, until the bartender tells him that he needs to get back to help at the bar.
The drunk convinces him to allow him to stay and continue to examine the purple gorilla. The bartender leaves him with one last demand to not touch the wonderful animal. Now the drunk, being reminded of his promise not to touch the purple gorilla, starts to wonder why the bartender was so insistent about not touching the beast. Would touching it make him smarter, stronger, richer, or irresistible to women? After an hour he gave in to the temptation, and touched the purple gorilla.
"A A A A R R R R R G G G G G G H H H H H H H ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !" growled the monster as it began to tear at the bars. The fog in the drunk's brain cleared instantly with instant sobriety as the first bar came loose from the cage wall. He turned and ran. As he slid the three slide bars closed on the wooden door, he heard the cage fall in pieces on the floor as the huge purple gorilla came after him.
Running down the hall towards the stairs, he wondered why he had even considered breaking his promise not to touch the purple gorilla. As he reached the steel door he heard the wooden door smash into firewood, and the heavy thudding of the immense omnivore tearing down the hall after him. As he shut the steel door, he caught a glimpse of purple.
Panting and out of breath, he ascended the stairs. Only half way up, he heard the screech of the steel door being torn off its hinges. Looking over his shoulder as he opened the back door of the bar, he saw the slobbering, many sharp toothed, growling purple face getting way too close to him.
As he passed through the entrance to the bar, the back door exploded into splinters, and the purple gorilla leaped across the room in a single bound, the drunk stumbled and hit the sidewalk.
Lying there trembling, sure that these were the last few seconds he would have on this earth, the sobered drunk looked up to see the dark, fang lined cavernous maw, and the rippling purple muscles of the horror as it reached down to him.
"Tag, you're It." it said.
Instrument Flying Guide For Animal Lovers
Having detailed the concept of attitude control, there is another method which you may prefer. For reasons that will become apparent, it is recommended for those pilots whose airplanes have large, easily cleaned cabins. Known as the "Cat and Duck Method" of instrument flight, it has received much publicity and is considered to have a great deal of merit by those who have not tried it. No reports have been received from those who did try it, and none are expected. Pilots are invited to assess its merits objectively.
Basic rules for the C&D Method of instrument flight are fairly well known and are extremely simple. Here's how it's done:
1. Place a live cat on the cockpit floor; because a cat always remains upright. It can be used in lieu of a needle and ball. Merely watch to see which way the cat leans to determine if a wing is low and if so, which one.
2. The duck is used for instrument approach and landing. Because of the fact that any sensible duck will refuse to fly under instrument conditions, it is only necessary to hurl your duck out of the plane and follow it to the ground.
There are some limitations to the Cat and Duck Method, but by rigidly adhering to the following checklist, a degree of success will be achieved which will surely startle you, your passengers, and even an occasional tower operator.
1. Get a wide-awake cat. Most cats do not want to stand up at all. It may be necessary to carry a large dog in the cockpit to keep the cat at attention.
2. Make sure your cat is clean. Dirty cats will spend all their time washing. Trying to follow a washing cat usually results in a tight snap roll followed by an inverted spin.
3. Use old cats only. Young cats have nine lives, but old, used-up cats with only one life left have just as much to lose as you do and will be more dependable.
4. Beware of cowardly ducks. If the duck discovers that you are using the cat to stay upright, it will refuse to leave without the cat. Ducks are no better in IFR conditions than you are.
5. Be sure the duck has good eyesight. Nearsighted ducks sometimes fail to realize that they are on the gauges and go flogging off in the nearest hill. Very nearsighted ducks will not realize that they have been thrown out and will descend to the ground in a sitting position. This maneuver is difficult to follow in an airplane.
6. Use land-loving ducks. It is very discouraging to break out and find yourself on final for a rice paddy, particularly if there are duck hunters around. Duck hunters suffer from temporary insanity while sitting in freezing weather in the blinds and will shoot at anything that flies.
7. Choose your duck carefully. It is easy to confuse ducks with geese because many water birds look alike. While they are very competent instrument flyers, geese seldom want to go in the same direction as you.
Source:
GSP Digest #279
September 16, 1990
Top ten things you don't ...
Top ten things you don't want to hear from your real estate agent when you go to settlement on your new home:1. "I think unexplained crop circles add a unique flair to any home's garden."
2. "Actually, it's only the rear portion of the yard that overlaps the ancient Indian burial ground."
3. "Yes, the last owner did donate the house to the Hell's Angels, but I'm told that the judge has ordered them not to come within 50 feet of it."
4. "One bleeding toilet doesn't necessarily mean it's haunted."
5. "Your neighbor has assured me that, technically, they're not 'killer' bees."
6. "Even if there was a full-scale mudslide, it's unlikely that it would reach as far back as your property."
7. "It's quite common for roaches to grow that big even when not in the presence of radioactivity."
8. "Did you know that the band Grave Raper holds their practice sessions right next door?"
9. "It's true that they died in the house, but the prosecutor was never actually able to prove it was murder."
10. "You can barely hear the sheet metal factory at night."
One day at a busy airport, the...
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way.The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind.
The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passenger's right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the copilot is using a guide dog.
Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start revving and the airplane starts moving down the runway.
The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking.
Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.
Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.
Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot, "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we're gonna get killed!"
You Might Be A Redneck If 69
You might be a reneck if...
You think the ATM machine is a giant, public calculator.
Your favorite cologne smells like exhaust.
The fire department leaves after discovering that the fire that destroyed y.
You think its okay to have your 6 year old babysit your 5, 4, and 3 year o.
Your dog's shots are up to date but your children's aren't.
You use the water in your toilet to bob for apples.
Your whole family sleeps in the same bed.
You consider your annual bath one too many.
You wore a baseball cap to the opera.
If you are 20 and you can still go in McDonald's playhouse.
If you think Purina is some kind of Ex-Lax.
Into the Olympics...
Three guys are trying to sneak into the Olympic Village in Atlanta to scoop souvenirs and autographs. The first says, "Let's watch the registration table to see if there's a crack in the security system that we can utilize to scam our way in."
Immediately, a burly athlete walks up to the table and states, "Angus MacPherson. Scotland. Shotput." He opens his gym bag to display a shotput to the registration attendant.
The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. MacPherson. Here is you packet of registration materials, complete with hotel keys, passes to all Olympic events, meal tickets, and other information."
HOT DOG! The first guy grabs a small tree sapling, strips off the limbs and roots, walks up the registration table and states: "Chuck Wagon. Canada. Javelin."
The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. Wagon. Here is you packet of registration materials, hotel keys, passes, meal tickets, and so forth. Good luck!"
The second guy grabs a street utility manhole cover, walks up the registration table and states: "Dusty Rhodes. Australia. Discus."
The attendant says, "Terrific, Mr. Rhodes. Here is you packet of registration materials, hotel keys, a full set of passes, and meal tickets. Enjoy yourself."
They scamper in, but suddenly realize the third guy is missing. They groan - OH NO. He is not to bright. They forgot to make sure he doesn't do something stupid and blow their cover stories.
They spot him walking with a roll of barbed wire under his arm. He walks up the registration table and states: "Foster Bean. USA. Fencing."
CANADIAN TEMPERATURE CONVERSIO...
CANADIAN TEMPERATURE CONVERSION CHARTAll temperatures in Fahrenheit
70 - Texans turn on the heat and unpack the thermal underwear. People in Canada go swimming in the Lakes.
60 - North Carolinians try to turn on the heat. People in Canada plant gardens.
50 - Californians shiver uncontrollably. People in Canada sunbathe.
40 - Italian and English cars won't start. People in Canada drive with the windows down.
32 - Distilled water freezes. Lake Superior's water gets thicker.
20 - Floridians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, and woolly hats. People in Canada throw on a flannel shirt.
15 - Philadelphia landlords finally turn up the heat. People in Canada have the last cookout before it gets cold.
0 DEGREES - People in Miami all stop moving. Canadians lick the flagpole.
20 BELOW - Californians fly away to Mexico. People in Canada get out their winter coats.
40 BELOW - Hollywood disintegrates. The Girl Guides of Canada are selling cookies door to door.
60 BELOW - Polar bears begin to evacuate the Arctic. Canadian Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets cold enough.
80 BELOW - Mt. St. Helen's freezes. People in Canada rent some videos.
100 BELOW - Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Canadians get frustrated because they can't thaw the keg.
297 BELOW - Microbial life no longer survives on dairy products. Cows in Canada complain about farmers with cold hands.
460 BELOW - ALL atomic motion stops (absolute zero on the Kalvin scale). People in Canada start saying, "Cold 'nuff for ya?"
500 BELOW - @!#$ freezes over.
The Americans win a gold medal in hockey
