Animal jokes (5791 to 5805)Jokes about animals. These are the jokes listed 5791 to 5805. |
A tourist walks into a pet sho...
A tourist walks into a pet shop in Silicon Valley, and is browsing round the cages on display. While he's there, another customer walks in and says to the shopkeeper, "I'll have a C monkey, please."The shopkeeper nods, goes over to a cage at the side of the shop and takes out a monkey. He fits a collar and leash and hands it to the customer, saying "That'll be $5000."
The customer pays and walks out with his monkey.
Startled, the tourist goes over to the shopkeeper. "That was a very expensive monkey - most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?"
"Ah, that monkey can program in C - very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money."
The tourist looks at the monkeys in that cage. "That one's even more expensive - $10,000 dollars! What does it do?."
"Oh, that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage object oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java, all the really useful stuff."
The tourist looks round for a little longer and sees a third monkey in a cage on its own. The price tag round its neck says $50,000. He gasps to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?"
"Well, I don't know if it does anything, but it says it's a Consultant."
How to respond to telema...
How to respond to telemarketers
1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Alternately, you can tell them, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..." When they try to get to the sell, just keep talking about your problems.
3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell >their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
4. If they are selling a lawn service to make your grass grow better, tell them it grows to fast now and green is not your favorite color anyway.
5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.
6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.
7. If an insurance company calls trying to get you to sign up for s Plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends...would you be my friend?"
8. If the company cleans carpets, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out GOAT blood? How about HUMAN blood?
9. After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
10. Tell the telemarketer that you work for the same company, they often can't sell to employees.
11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream "Oh No!" and then hang up.
12. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.
13. Tell them it is dinnertime, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speakerphone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.
14. Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some food.
15. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.
16. Ask the telemarketer if they use the product they are trying to sell. If they do, ask for a complete report. If they don't, ask them why not since it is such a great product.
17. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Alan, playing a joke. "Come on Alan, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your mum?"
18. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up ...louder...louder...louder...
19. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.
20. Tell them that you are busy and ask for their phone number so you can call them back. If they say that they don't give out their phone number or they don't take calls, then ask for the caller's personal phone number at home. If then they say that they don't like being called at home, quickly say "Bingo!" and hang up.
Simple one liners are th...
Simple one liners are the best?
1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences..... He thought he was God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
4. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
7. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
8. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
9. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
10. I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
11. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
13. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
14. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
15. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
16. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
17. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
18. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
19. Procrastinate Now!
20. I Have an Arts Degree; Do You Want Fries With That?
21. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
22. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
23. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
24. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
25. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
26. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
27. Ham and eggs: A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
28. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
29. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.
30. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.
Name That Animal, Kids
Eddie's first-grade class was having a game of Name That Animal. The teacher held up a picture of a cat and asked, "What animal is this?""A cat!" said Suzy.
"Good job! Now, what's this animal?"
"A dog!" said Ricky.
"Good! Now what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of a deer.
The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said, "It's what your mom calls your dad."
"A horny bastard!" called out Eddie.
Panda In A Bar
A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich.He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead.
As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey, Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"
The panda yells back at the bartender, "Hey man, I'm a Panda! Look it up!"
The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."
Advice From Lawyers
George and Lenny decide to cross North America in a hot air balloon. However, neither were particularly experienced balloonists, and Lenny's mind quickly drifted from navigation to thoughts of how clouds look like cuddly little bunny rabbits. Upon realizing that they were lost, George declared, "Lenny -- we are going to have to lose some altitude so we can figure out where we are."
George lets some hot air out of the balloon, which slowly descended below the clouds, but he still couldn't tell where they were. Far below, they could see a man on the ground. George lowered the balloon, to ask the man their location.
When they were low enough, George called down to the man, "Hey, can you tell us where we are?" The man on the ground yelledback, "You're in a balloon, about 100 feet up in the air."
George Called down to the man, "You must be a lawyer." "Gee, George," Lenny replied, "How can you tell?" George answered, "Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and is completely useless".
The man called back up to the balloon, "You must be a client." George yelled back, "Why do you say that?" "Well," the man replied, "you don't know where you are, or where you are going. You got into your predicament through a lack of planning, and could have avoided it by asking for help before you acted. You expect me to provide an instant remedy. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."
Mistakes On A Resume
These are from actual resumes:
"Personal: I'm married with 9 children. I don't require prescription drugs.
"I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't let them know of my immediate availability."
"Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can act on short notice. I'm a class act and do not come cheap."
"I intentionally omitted my salary history. I've made money and lost money. I've been rich and I've been poor. I prefer being rich."
"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."
"Number of dependents: 40."
"Marital Status: Often. Children: Various."
RESUME BLOOPERS
"Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."
REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:
"Responsibility makes me nervous."
"They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions."
REASONS FOR LEAVING MY LAST JOB:
"Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches."
"I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
"The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers."
JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:
"While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility."
"I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award."
SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:
"Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job."
"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
"I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant."
PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:
"Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep."
PERSONAL INTERESTS:
"Donating blood. 14 gallons so far."
SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:
"Education: College, August 1880-May 1984."
"Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse."
"Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget."
"I'm a rabid typist."
"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation."
WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT?
(taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)
Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of her own. They like other people's.
A grandfather is a man grandmother.
Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the store and have lots of money for us.
When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.
They show us and talk to us about the color of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on "cracks."
They don't say, "Hurry up."
Usually grandmothers are fat, but not too fat to tie your shoes.
They wear glasses and funny underwear.
They can take their teeth and gums out.
Grandparents don't have to be smart.
They have to answer questions like "why isn't God married?" and "How come dogs chase cats?"
When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again.
Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television, because they are the only grown ups who like to spend time with us.
They know we should have snack-time before bedtime and they say prayers with us every time, and kiss us even when we've acted bad.
A 6 year old was asked where his grandmother lived. ''Oh,'' he said, ''She lives at the airport and when we want her we just go get her. Then when we're we've done having her visit, we take her back to the airport.''
Bowling ball humor...
I worry about the germs in the holes of bowling balls. Nobody cleans those holes. There are years of impacted pizza fingers in there. Taco fingers. Chicken fingers. I'm amazed those balls still have holes. Ever smell a bowling ball hole? You think the balls are knocking down the pins? You're wrong. The pins are passing out from the smell.
-- Carolyn May
The Frog & the Bank Mana...
The Frog & the Bank Manager
A dog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from his nameplate that the teller is called Patrick Whack.
"Mr Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Paddy looks at the dog in disbelief and asks his name.
The dog says his name is Rover Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Paddy explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The dog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Paddy explains that he'll have to consult with the bank manager and he disappears into a back office.
He finds the manager and says, "There's a dog called Rover Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
He then holds up the tiny pink elephant and says to the manager. "I mean, what in the world is this?
The bank manager looks back at him and says,
"It's a knickknack, Paddy Whack. Give the dog the loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
A boy of 12 was a dedicated st...
A boy of 12 was a dedicated stamp collector; until the lad next door also bought an album. "He buys every stamp I do," the boy complained to his father, "and he's taken all the fun of it away." "Don't be a fool, my boy," said his wise dad. "Remember, imitation is the sincerest form of philately."Last night police were called to a branch of Pizza Hut after a body of a member of staff was found covered in mushrooms, onions ham and cheese. The police spokesman said that there was a strong possiblity that the man had topped himself.
Christine Oliver, Leith
A lonely frog, desparate for some company telephones a psychic hotline to find out what his future has in store. His personal psychic adviser tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog is thrilled and says: "This is great! Where will I meet her, at work, at a party?" "No," replies the psychic, "in a biology class."
Judith Smith, West Lothian
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