Animal jokes (5926 to 5940)Jokes about animals. These are the jokes listed 5926 to 5940. |
You Might Be A Redneck If 46
You might be a redneck if...
Your insurance man is a redneck too if he pays you for it.
You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
You've ever hit a deer with your car...deliberately.
You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.
Your momma gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.
Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.
Your dad is also your favorite uncle.
Your classes at school were cancelled because the path to the restroom was flooded.
During your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.
You're a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets light.
Koala Bear walks into a ...
Koala Bear walks into a bar. He's disheveled and grumpy. The bartender suggests he cheer himself up by taking a trip upstairs to the brothel. Koala goes up to the room of a nice skank. He spreads her legs, sloppily eats her out then masturbates until he cums all over her. The hooker is confused when the Koala bear starts to walk away. The hooker stops him, says "Hey, you have to pay me!". This back and forth goes on for a while but the Koala still doesn't get it. Finally the hooker gets a dictionary and opens to the definition of prostitute and reads it aloud "See! Prostitute: a woman who has sex with men for money."
The Koala says "Oh!" opens the dictionary to Koala, says "Koala: eats shoots and leaves."
Another...
Another Lesson in ManagmentA crow was sitting on a tree doing nothing all day.
A small rabbit saw the crow and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"
The crow answered, "Of course, help youself."
So the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow and rested.
Suddenly a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Management Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing you must be sitting very, very high up.
Stock market report...
Helium was up, feathers were down.Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remained unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market
Differe...
Differences Between You and Your BossWhen you take a long time, you're slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.
When you don't do it, you're lazy.
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.
When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.
When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.
When you take a stand, you're being pig-headed.
When your boss does it, he's being firm.
When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.
When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.
When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
When your boss has a day off sick, he must be very ill.
When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.
Shit
A little fella walks into a bar.Unfortunately, there is a pile of dog shit just inside the door,
and he slips in it and falls over. He gets up, cleans himself up
and walks to the bar and buys a drink.
A great big man then enters the bar. He slips in the same pile of
shit, falls, gets up, cleans up and buys a drink.
The little guy turns to the big guy and, trying to strike up a
conversation, points to the pile by the door and says, "I just
did that."
The big guy punches him in the mouth.
Wanda's dishwasher breaks down...
Wanda's dishwasher breaks down so she calls a repairman. Since she has to go to work the next day, she tells him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll send you a cheque."But, whatever you do, do not, under any circumstances, talk to my parrot! I mean it. Don't talk to my parrot."
"When the repairman arrives at Wanda's house the following day, he discovers the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lies there on the carpet watching him go about his work.
The parrot, however, drives him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman can't contain himself any longer and yells: "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"
To which the parrot replies: "Get him, Spike!"
Ewan Greig, Duddingston
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