Animal jokes (5941 to 5955)Jokes about animals. These are the jokes listed 5941 to 5955. |
Unfaithful Wives
Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."
His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber. The other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."
Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.
"No, I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."
Top 25 Country Songs ...
Top 25 Country Songs
25. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth, Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye
24. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
23. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
22. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
21. Sold A Car To a Guy Who Stole My Girl, But It Don't Run, So We Even
20. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
19. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
18. I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
17. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
16. I'll Marry You Tomorrow, but Let's Honeymoon Tonight
15. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here
14. I've Got tears In My Ears From Lyin' On My Back and Cryin' Over You
13. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
12. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now
11. Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)
10. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love You
9. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I'm Going To Miss Him
8. Please Bypass This Heart
7. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
6. You Done Stomped On My Heart And Mashed That Sucker Flat
5. You're The Reason Our Kids Are Ugly
4. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
3. She's Actin' Single and I'm Drinkin' Double
2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer
...And the number one Country and Western song is:
1. I Haven't Gone To Bed With Any Ugly (Wo)Men, But I've Sure Woke Up With a Few
Smart Pills
One day two boys were walking through the woods when they saw some rabbit turds. One of the boys said, ''What is that?''''They're smart pills,'' said the other boy. ''Eat them and they'll make you smarter.
So he ate them and said, ''These taste like crap.''
''See,'' said the other boy, ''you're getting smarter already.''
A man runs into the vet's offi...
A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead.The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion. The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body.
The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too."
The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too."
The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650. "$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man....
"Well," the vet replies, "I charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and the lab tests."
it turns out that a several pr...
it turns out that a several protected, rare birds in Germany have been feeding on a species of protected, rare fish. In response to this dilemma, exasperated German officials have decided to do the only thing that makes sense in this kind of a situation - kill all the environmentalists.A monkey is sitting in a...
A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey "Hey! What are you doing?"
The monkey says "Smoking a joint, come up and have some." So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have a few joints.
After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river.
The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.
A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?"
The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the monkey in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!"
The Monkey looks down and says "Faaaaaaark dude....... how much water did you drink?!!"
Dinosaurs Are Talking
Dinosaur #1: "How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
Dinosaur #2: "What is an economist?"
Dinosaur #1: "A flunkie mathematician who tries to predict the population of kangaroos in Australia. But that's not important and don't ask what a Kangaroo is."
Dinosaur #2: "I don't know, how many?"
Dinosaur #1: "10 economists and one grad student. One economist to make a model, one to run the regression, one to test the hypothesis, one to interpret the results, one to conclude how to screw it on, one grad student to screw it on, and five economists trying to fight off the dinosaurs trying to eat them.
Pet names....
There once was a man who was so proud of the fact that he had six kids that he insisted on calling his wife "mother of six."
His wife hated this name and asked him repeatedly not to call her that, but he was a stubborn man and was very proud that he had six kids.
One evening they were at a dinner party for his company and it was getting close to the time that they should be leaving. The husband yelled from across the room over to his wife, "mother of six, are you ready to go?"
Annoyed with his question, she responded, "In a minute, Father of four."
The New Rhea Farmer
A computer programmer, bored with his job, decided to start his own business. Wanting to do something totally different from his current occupation, he bought a mating pair of rheas and a large tract of land.
His rhea farm was soon doing a booming business as there appeared to be a great demand for the birds. Not being satisfied with just selling the birds, the rhea farmer started researching how the birds were being used. He found that all parts of the birds were being utilized, except the feathers. Nobody wanted the plainly colored rhea feathers.
The ex-programmer, now rhea farmer, purchased some equipment, technical people, and chemicals, and was soon selling fancy, colored rhea feathers. The resulting sales were amazing and made the new feather merchant very happy. There was one small problem. The workers making the colored feathers were becoming quite ill. The concerned young man called in a number of doctors to determine the nature of the illness.
It was discovered that without exception, the workers had developed a severe case of ... "dye a rhea".
Real "Personal ads" that...
Real "Personal ads" that have appeared in the Dublin News:
Heavy drinker, 35, Cork area. Seeks gorgeous sex addict interested in a man who loves his pints, cigarettes, Glasgow Celtic Football Club and starting fights on Patrick Street at three o'clock in the morning.
Bitter, disillusioned Dublin man, lately rejected by long-time fiancée, seeks decent, honest, eligible woman, if such a thing still exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches.
Ginger haired Galway man, a trouble-maker, gets slit-eyed and shirty after a few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe more.
Bad tempered, foul-mouthed old bastard, living in a damp cottage in the arse end of Roscommon, seeks attractive 21 year old blonde lady, with a lovely chest.
Devil-worshipper, Offaly area, seeks like-minded lady, for wining and dining, good conversation, dancing, romantic walks, and slaughtering cats in cemeteries at midnight under the flinty light of a pale moon.
Limerick man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the night of February 27 between 8 PM and 11:30 PM.
Optimistic Mayo man, 35, seeks a blonde 20 year old double-jointed supermodel, who owns her own brewery, and has an open-minded twin sister.
Know Your Priorities....
A farmer was munching on a cookie, as he watches the rooster chase a hen around.
Playfully, the farmer throws a piece of cookie to the ground. Seeing it, the rooster stops chasing the hen and runs to the piece of cookie.
The farmer shakes his head slowly and says, "Gosh, I hope I never get THAT hungry."
Bee Jokes 05
Q: Why did the queen bee kick out all of the other bees?
A: Because they kept droning on and on!
Q: What do you call a bee born in May?
A: A maybe!
Q: What kind of bee can't be understood?
A: A mumble bee!
Q: Where do bees keep their money?
A: In a honey box!
Q: What TV station do bees watch?
A: Bee bee c one!
Q: What did the bee say to the naughty bee?
A: Bee-hive yourself!
Q: Why did the bees go on strike?
A: Because they wanted more honey and shorter working flowers!
Q: Why do bees have sticky hair?
A: Beacuse of the honey combs!
Q: What is black and yellow and buzzes along at 30,000 feet?
A: A bee is an aeroplane!
