Animal jokes (5911 to 5925)

A man walks into a bar, ...

A man walks into a bar, holding his pet alligator by his side.

The man puts the alligator up on the bar, turns to the astonished patrons and says, "I'll make you all a deal. I will open this alligator's mouth and put the family jewels in his mouth, then close it for one minute. I will then open the alligator's mouth and remove the family jewels unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink. Is it a deal?"

The patrons approved.

The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and put the family jewels in the alligator's mouth.

As the crowd gasped, he then closed the alligator's mouth, waited a minute, then grabbed a beer bottle and waked the alligator on the head as hard as he could. The alligator immediately opened his mouth and the man removed the family jewels unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered, applauded, and the first of his free drinks were delivered to him.

A few minutes after, the man stands up again and makes another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try".

A hush fell over the patrons.

All of a sudden, a hand goes up. A drop dead gorgeous young blond says, "I'll give it a go, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle".

Husband: This cooking isn't fi...

Bad Math...

Rick, fresh out of accounting school, went to a interview for a good paying job. The company boss asked various questions about him and his education, but then asked him,

"What is three times seven?"

"22," Rick replied.

After he left, he double-checked it on his calculator (he *knew* he should have taken it to the interview!) and realized he wouldn't get the job.

About two weeks later, he got a letter that said he was hired for the job! He was not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, but was still very curious. The next day, he went in and asked why he got the job, even though he got such a simple question wrong. The boss shrugged and said, "Well, you were the closest."

Scary Collection 21

A big bronzed Aussie sto...

A big bronzed Aussie stopped stopped at a local restaurant following a day of drinking and roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.

Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bullfight this morning. A delicacy!" The cowboy, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on vacation down here! Bring me an order!" The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bullfight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy"!

The next morning, the tourist returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.

After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."

Funny bumper stickers....

'Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death'

'Cover me. I'm changing lanes.'

'As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools'

'The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.'

'Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.'

'Conserve toilet paper, use both sides.'

'REHAB is for quitters'

'I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!'

'Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep'

'I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather....Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car....'

'Montana --- At least our cows are sane!'

'I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.'

'I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!'

'According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.'

'Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.'

'A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.'

'How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?'

'I'm not as think as you drunk I am'

'Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal !'

'He who laughs last thinks slowest'

'Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.'

'Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.'

'Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.'

'Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone,somewhere may be happy.'

'Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.'

'i souport publik edekasion'

'We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimulated.'

'Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.'

'Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...'

'3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.'

'Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?'

'Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?'

'2 + 2 =5 for extremely large values of 2.'

Auntie Em: Hate you, Hate Kansas, Taking the dog. -Dorothy.'

Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.

You Might Be A Redneck If 20

What do you call a donkey with...