Animal jokes (5896 to 5910)

I Don't Speak Dog

A guy gets a new dog, a nice Jewish dog. He names the dog Einstein and trains Einstein to do a couple of tricks. He can't wait to show Einstein off to his neighbor. A few weeks later when the neighbor finally comes over, the guy calls Einstein into the house, bragging about how smart he is.

The dog quickly comes running and stands looking up at his master, tail wagging excitedly, mouth open, tongue hanging out, eyes bright with anticipation. The guy points to the newspaper on the couch and commands "Fetch!"Immediately, the dog climbs onto the couch and sits, his tail wagging furiously. Then all of a sudden, he stops. His doggie smile disappears. He starts to frown and puts on a sour face. Looking up at his master, he whines, "You think this is easy, wagging my tail all the time? Oy vey ... And you think it's easy eating that junk that you call designer dog food? Forget it ... it's too salty and it gives me gas. It's disgusting I tell you!"

The neighbor is absolutely amazed ... stunned. In astonishment, he says, "I can't believe it. Einstein can speak. Your dog actually talks. You asked him to fetch the newspaper and he is sitting on the sofa talking to us."

"I know, I know," says the dog owner. "He's not yet fully trained. He thought I said kvetch."

Marketing translations

Cracking an international market is a goal of most growing corporations. It shouldn't be that hard, yet even the big multi-nationals run into trouble because of language and cultural differences. For example, observe the following examples below.

The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax" depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, "ko-kou-ko-le," which can be loosely translated as "happiness in the mouth."

In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" came out as "Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead."

Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off."

The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem - Feeling Free," got translated in the Japanese market into "When smoking Salem, you feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty."

When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was apparently unaware that "no va" means "it won't go." After the company figured out why it wasn't selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to the Caribe.

When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to say "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." However, the company mistakenly thought the spanish word "embarazar" meant embarrass. Instead the ads said that "It wont leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."

An American t-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of the desired "I Saw the Pope" in Spanish, the shirts proclaimed "I Saw the Potato."

Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.

In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into Schweppes Toilet Water.

She was so blonde th

- she thought TuPac Shakur was a jewish holiday

- she sent me a fax with a stamp on it

- she thought a quarterback was a refund

- she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order

- she thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center

- she thought Meow Mix was a record for cats

- under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics"

- she tried to drown a fish

- she tripped over a cordless phone

- she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate"

- she put lipsick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind

- she got stabbed in a shoot-out

- she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK"

- she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death

- if you gave her a penny for intelligence, you'd get change back

- they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade

- she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept

- at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here"... she put "Sagittarius"

- she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store

- it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes

- if she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless

- she studied for a blood test - and failed

- she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train

- she sold the car for gas money

- when she saw the "NC-17" (under 17 not admitted), she went home and got 16 friends

- when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved

- she thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill

- when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead

- when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home

The Very Hungry Lion

A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.

The True Origin of the Internet

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.

And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called 'Amazon Dot Com.'

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.

But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."

And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known "eBay" he said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

"YAHOO," said Abraham.

And that is how it all began. It wasn't Al Gore after all.

Asteroid Hits The Earth

Top Advantages of An Asteroid Really Hitting Earth

1. For starters, you'd be able to surf in South Dakota.
   
   
2. Wouldn't have to hear that garbage Aerosmith song anymore.
   
   
3. The one dinosaur on the planet (here's a clue..he's purple) would be extinct.
   
   
4. We'd miss out on Tony Danza's or Jenny McCarthy's next sitcom.
   
   
5. Puts a major damper on that Molly Hatchet/Judas Priest reunion tour.
   
   
6. Pretty good chance that the Gorditas Dog from the Taco Bell commercials wouldn't survive.
   
   
7. There'd be no more movies on the topic, that's for sure.
   
   

Two fish are in a tank, one sa...

Two fish are in a tank, one says to the other: "Do you know how to drive this thing?"