Animal jokes (751 to 765)

Three ex-pats are drinking in

Three ex-pats are drinking in a NY city bar.
"As good as this is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a bar called McTavish's. The landlord there goes out of his way with the locals. When you buy four drinks he will buy the fifth."
"Well Angus," said the Englishman. "At my local pub in London, The Red Lion, the barman will buy your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman. "Back home in my favorite pub, the moment you step foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another. In fact all the drinks you like. Then, when you've had enough to drink, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you get laid, all on the house."
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claim. "Did this actually happen to you?" they asked.
"Not meself personally, no," admitted the Irishamn, "but it did happen to my sister quite a few times."

Little Johnny wanted to go to

Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.
"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.
"Great," Little Johnny replied.
"Did you and daddy have a good time?" asked his mother.
"Yeah, daddy really liked it too," exclaimed Little Johnny, "especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"

Wrong Excuse

"Armstrong," the boss said, "I happen to know that the reason you didn't come to work yesterday was that you were out playing golf."
"That's a rotten lie!" Armstrong protested. "And I have the fish to prove it!"

Old West Revenge

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West.
He slides up to the bar and announces, ''I'm looking for the man who shot my paw!''

Fly spray

A man walked into a hardware store and picked up a can of fly spray.

"Is this good for wasps?" he asks the assistant.

To which she replies "No, it kills them."

Found on Fly spray funny joke - The Spoof , published on Tuesday, 16 December 2008 by Rusty

Photo by Sian Cooper on Unsplash

Grandpa watched Tommy pull a w

Grandpa watched Tommy pull a worm out of the ground and told him that he would give him 10 bucks if he could put it back in.
Tommy left for a bit and said "Ok Grandpa, watch this". Tommy then pushed the worm right back down in the hole.
The Grandpa got out the 10 dollars and gave it to Tommy.
Tommy said "Grandpa I can't keep this because I cheated. I sprayed the worm with hair spray. That's why I was able to do that."
Grandpa said "No, you keep it."
The next morning at breakfast Grandpa walked up to Tommy and gave him another 10 bucks.
Tommy said "No Grandpa. You already paid me."
Grandpa replied "That money was from Grandma."

 A Horse Breeder Story

This Kentucky horse breeder had a filly that won every race in which she was entered. But as she got older she became very temperamental. He soon found that when he raced her in the evening, she would win handily, but when she raced during the day she would come in dead last. He consulted the top veterinarians and horse psychologists to no avail. He finally had to give up because it had become a real night mare.

Tim Conway's Elephant Story

 

Term paper

“Handing in his term paper on water bears a day late got Bruno a tardy grade.”

Plane lunch choices

I’m on a plane and the lunch choices are white meat chicken or German sausage. Unfortunately, I’m seated in the last row.

I’m hoping for the breast, but preparing for the wurst.

By reddit user OK_Compooper, posted on Oct. 08. 2019.

A Sure Bet

Overheard at the race track...
Bettor: “I’m betting on a horse that is 20 to 1 and I can’t lose.
Friend: “What do you mean 'you can’t lose’?”
Bettor: “I can’t lose, the horse is starting at 20 to 1 and the race doesn’t start till 1.”

“Two dead bodies were

“Two dead bodies were found inside a trunk this morning. Police are seeking the public's help, particularly in locating the rest of the elephant.”

Monkey has grown hair

An 11 year old girl realized that she had started to grow hair between her legs. she got worried and asked her mummy about the hair.

Her mom calmly said, "That part where hair has grown is called a monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair."

Next morning at breakfast she told her sister, "My monkey has grown hair."

Her sister smiled and said, "That's nothing, mine is already eating bananas."

 Question And Answer Animal Jokes

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To show the armadillo that it was possible.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get away from Colonel Sanders!
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road twice?
A: Because it was a double-crosser.
Q: Why did the Iraqi chicken cross the road?
A: To take over the other side.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground?
A: To get to the other slide.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the beach?
A: To get to the other tide.
Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
A: Chickens hadn't evolved yet.

A man received a phone call on

A man received a phone call one day, and the caller asked if he had lost a parrot. The man said that he had indeed lost the bird, but wanted to know how the caller located him.
The called said that the bird had landed on his balcony and kept repeating, "Hi, you have reached 555-1234. I can't come to the phone right now, please leave a message at the tone."