Animal jokes (766 to 780)Jokes about animals. These are the jokes listed 766 to 780. |
Wrong Kid Is Mowing
Signs You Hired The Wrong Kid To Mow Your Lawn
- He shows up with a pair of nail clippers and a Ziploc bag.
- On the side of his mower you notice the stenciled silhouettes of thirteen cats.
- Stops frequently to nap inside the grass-catcher.
- Always trying to impress you by stopping the mower blades with his head.
- You notice him shoving the last of his clothes into the mulcher.
- He's fascinated by the details of you home security system.
- Stops every couple of minutes to smoke some clippings.
- Somehow manages to mow the hood ornament off your Lexus.
- Turns a goat loose and says he'll be back in three weeks.
- No toes.
Good, Bad and Worse
Good, Bad and WorseGood: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad : You Can't find your birth control pills
Worse: Your daughter borrowed them.
Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Worse: You're in them.
Good: Your son's finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.
Worse: So are you.
Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Worse: With corrections.
Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Worse: She's a lawyer.
The wise old Mother Superior f
The wise old Mother Superior from county Tipperary was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother Superior drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.
"Mother", the nuns pleaded, "Please give us some wisdom before you die".
She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and said, "Don't sell that cow".
Which animal is the best?
Three animals were having a huge argument over who was the best.
The first, a hawk, claimed that because of his ability to fly, he could attack anything repeatedly from above, and his prey had nary a chance.
The second, a lion, based his claim on his strength … None in the forest dared to challenge him.
The third, a skunk, insisted he needed neither flight nor strength to frighten off any creature.
As the trio debated the issue, an alligator came along and swallowed them all... hawk, lion and stinker.
Some Police Quotes
"The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
"Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"
"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
"Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."
"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
"Just how big were those two beers?
"In God we trust, all others are suspects."
Rules For Hunting Lawyers
Washington state attorney season and bag limits
1300.01 GENERAL
1. Any person with a valid Washington State hunting license may harvest attorneys.
2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.
3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.
4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft.
5. It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash", "ambulance", or "free Perrier" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW dealerships.
7. It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills, prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.
8. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals.
9. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, trap, or possess it.
10. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for AIDS, rabies, and vermin.
11. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.
BAG LIMITS
| 1. | Yellow Bellied Sidewinder | 2 |
| 2. | Two-faced Tort Feasor | 3 |
| 3. | Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator | 5 |
| 4. | Big-mouthed Pub Gut | 2 |
| 5. | Honest Attorney | EXTINCT |
| 6. | Cut-throat | 2 |
| 7. | Back-stabbing Whiner | 2 |
| 8. | Brown-nosed Judge Kisser | 2 |
| 9. | Silver-tongued Drug Defender | $100 bounty |
A little girl runs out to the
A little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him, "Daddy, what's sex?"Her father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs. He goes on to tell her about puberty, menstruation, erections, wet-dreams…and he thinks, what the hell, and goes on to tell her the works.
He covers a wide and varied assortment of sub topics and by the time he's finished, his daughter is somewhat awestruck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge. Her father finally asks: "So what did you want to know about sex for?"
"Oh, mommy said to tell you lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..."
Peanut butter puns
I don't think any would stick. I shouldn't be spreading such bad puns and drive everyone nuts. Any one butter than me?
Did you hear the joke about the peanut butter? I`m not teling you. You might spread it!
Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road? Because she`s nuts!
How is a dumb blonde like peanut butter? They spread for the bread.
I told my girlfriend I was breaking up with her because she had peanut butter legs. She asked, "What do you mean?" I said, "Your legs are nice and smooth and easy to spread like peanut butter."
What`s the feepng you get after popshing a peanut? Post nut clarity.
Why are peanuts afraid of going out? They`re afraid of getting a-salted.
When can peanuts laugh? When you crack them up!
What kind of sandwiches do sharks eat? Peanut butter and Jellyfish
Where do peanut drivers go to fill their tanks? The Shell station!
What do you call a peanut in a spacesuit? An astro-nut!
What did applesauce say to peanut butter? You`re Nutty!
Photo by Corleto Peanut butter on Unsplash
Pure Witticisms
I started out with nothing... I still have most of it.
Some days you're the dog, some days the hydrant.
I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
If all is not lost, where is it?
It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
If at first you do succeed, try not to look too astonished.
The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.
I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through.
It was all so different before everything changed.
Nostalgia isn't what is used to be.
Old programmers never die. They just terminate and stay resident.
A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle.
I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip round the sun.
The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).
If you're living on the edge, make sure you're wearing your seat belt.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
It's not hard to meet expenses… they're everywhere.
Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.
Old people shouldn't eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.
Typical nasty weather
Picture England, it's the early evening on a regular muggy day, a light drizzle splashes on the street. A drunkard leans on the gate in front of his house, looking across the street at a dashing young man talking to ladies as they stroll by his home.Sometimes the young man takes the lady upstairs and comes back down smiling with her, other times she becomes offended, he says something else and she smiles and nods understandingly. Eventually the drunkard gets curious and crosses the street to ask him what's going on.
"Hello sir, now what's going on right here?" he asks.
The young man smiles and says, "Yes, I saw you watching. Well, whenever a lovely young bird comes by, I say to her, 'tickle your a** with a feather?' If she agrees we go upstairs and have some fun. Now if she is offended, I say to her, 'typical nasty weather.' She assumes she has misheard and goes about her business."
Thinking this is brilliant the drunkard goes home to try it out. A voluptuous woman comes by and he leans in and says to her, "Oi, can I stick a feather up yer ass?"
Startled she cries, "What!?"
He smiles and says, "Bloody rain!"
Scary Collection 62
A witch joke
What kind of tests do they give in witch school?
Hex-aminations!
A witch joke
What do you call a witch that stays out all night?
A fresh air freak!
A witch joke
What do you get if you cross an owl with a witch?
A bird that's ugly but doesn't give a hoot!
A witch joke
What goes cackle, cackle, boom?
A witch in a minefield!
A witch joke
What is the difference between a musician and a dead witch?
One composes and the other decomposes!
A witch joke
Why did the witch go to the psychiatrist?
Because she thought everybody loved her!
A witch joke
What usually runs in witches' families?
Noses!
Chinese takeaway
I ordered a Chinese takeaway from a local place, just been to pick it up and as I was driving home, I heard the bags rustling and moving!!
I thought what on Earth is that. Has something got in the bag? I thought I could see a little pair of eyes peering out at me.
I was driving so I leaned forward, picked up the bag, put it on the passenger seat and there it was again, more rustling and little eyes looking out from behind the prawn crackers.
I thought it’s got to be a rat or a mouse or something, so I carefully pulled the bag down ...
And there it was ...
... A Peking Duck!
Image by piyalis14 from Pixabay
Joke found on https://www.theanswerbank.co.uk/Phrases-and-Sayings/Jokes/Question1467998.html posted by Butterbun on Sun 10th Jan 2016, alternative versions exist on many other joke sites
Goldfish in bathtub
Diane buys a hundred goldfish. There are so many of them that she decides to keep them in her bathtub. One day she invites her friend Lauren over to see all her beautiful goldfish.
Lauren is impressed, and says, "They surely are beautiful, but what do you do when you want to take a bath?"
Diane replied, "Simple. I just blindfold them!"
