Beer jokes (271 to 285)

 A Golf Club Visits A Local Bar

A golf club walks into a local bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer.
The barman refuses to serve him. "Why not," asks the golf club.
"You'll be driving later," replies the bartender.

The best Norm quotes from "Cheers"!

'What's shaking Norm?'
'All four cheeks & a couple of chins.'

'What's new Normie?'
'Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach & they're demanding beer.'

'What'd you like Normie?'
'A reason to live. Give me another beer.'

'What'll you have Normie?'
'Well, I'm in a gambling mood Sammy. I'll take a glass of whatever comes out of that tap.'
'Looks like beer, Norm.'
'Call me Mister Lucky.'

'Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?'
'Like a baby treats a diaper.'

'What's the story Mr. Peterson?'
'The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery. Let's cut to the happy ending.'

'Hey Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you.'
'I know; if she calls, I'm not here.'

'Beer, Norm?'
'Have I gotten that predictable? Good.'

'What's going on Mr. Peterson?'
'A flashing sign in my gut that says, 'Insert beer here.''

'Whatcha up to Norm?'
'My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall.'

'How's it going Mr. Peterson?'
'Poor.'
'I'm sorry to hear that.'
'No, I mean POUR!'

'How's life treating you Norm?'
'Like it caught me sleeping with its wife.'

'Women. Can't live with 'em....pass the beer-nuts.'

'What's going down, Normie?'
'My butt cheeks on that bar stool.'

'Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?'
'Alright, but stop me at one....make that one-thirty.'

'How's it going Mr. Peterson?'
'It's a dog eat dog world, Woody & I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear.'

'What's the story Norm?'
'Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer.'

'What's going on Mr. Peterson?'
'The question is what's going IN, Mr. Peterson?
'A beer please, Woody.'

'Can I pour you a beer Mr. Peterson?'
'A little early isn't it, Woody?'
'For a beer?'
'No. For a stupid question'

Living will

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room discussing a "Living Will"

"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all the beer.

Who enjoys a beer while walkin

Who enjoys a beer while walking? Astrolagers

My First Irish Drink With My Son

I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it.

Then I got him a Kilkenny, he didn't like that either, so I drank it.

It was the same with the Murphy’s and the Harps’s.

I thought maybe he'd like whiskey better than beer so we tried a Bushmills, nope!

By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink I was so shit-faced I could hardly push the stroller back home!

A woman celebrates her 90th bi

A woman celebrates her 90th birthday with a huge gala in the village. Everybody is there - the mayor, the police chief... and a reporter from the local newspaper. The reporter asks, for the record, to what does she ascribe such a long life.
She tells about a great many things, including the 3 beers and 2 cigars she has each day. Looking him level in they eye, she says evenly: "Never forget a healthy and active sex life keeps your circulation going."
The reporter is rather curious at such a declaration, and asks deferentially: "So when was the last time you made love, ma-am?"
"Well, let me think...made love... the last time I did that was around 1945."
"Whoah," he says, "that's a helluva long time ago!"
"You think so?" the woman replies and checks her watch. "But it's only 20:15 now, barely half an hour later."

 A Blind Man Vists The State Of Texas

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."
When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."
After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.
Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"

How to give a cat a pill.

How to give a cat a pill.
1. Pick up the cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left Arm and repeat process.
3. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
4. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws, ignore growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
5. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
6. Wrap cat in a large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with cat's head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of a drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down straw.
7. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink a beer to take away the taste. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from the carpet with soap and water.
8. Tie the little angel’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of the dining table. Find heavy pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertical and pour 2 pints of water down cat's throat to wash down pill.
9. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the A&E, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill from your eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order a new table.
10. Arrange for RSPCA to collect the mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see whether they have any hamsters.

“After a few beers on

“After a few beers on the plane, Charlie was flying high into the wild brew yonder.”

 Top Ten Error Messages

The Top 10 Good Error Messages On The Brand New $7000 Computer You Just Bought

1. "That URL was not found because frankly, I didn' try hard enough."
   
2. "If you continue to type that way, you'll get Carpal Tunnel Syndrome."
   
3. "The Server is not really down, its just mildly depressed."
   
4. "Normally, I would complain but I'll let that rough disk insertion slide this time."
   
5. "Don't worry, I'll clean up that beer stain."
   
6. "Its not a virus...its a STD(System Transmitted Disease)."
   
7. "Remember Einstein, its point then click, point then click."
   
8. "That General Protection Fault is not yours."
   
9. "You're using MS Word 5.0 and that's a weenie version so why don't I upgrade you for free?"
   
10. "I hate to tell you this but you have already seen that version of the Pamela Anderson video... may I suggest another?"
    

 You Might Be A Redneck If 20

You might be a redneck if...
Your momma calls you over to help, cause she has a flat tire...on her house
The ASPCA raids your kitchen.
You have to check in the bottom of your shoe for change so you can get Grandma a new plug of tobacco.
You can't get married to your sweetheart because there is a law against it.
You celebrate Groundhog Day because you believe in it.
Your kid takes a siphon hose to show-and-tell.
You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.
You fish in your above-ground pool. . . and catch something.
Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.
Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.

Hick computer terms

Redneck computer terms

BACKUP - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods

BAR CODE - Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern

BUG - The reason you give for calling in sick

BYTE - What your pit bull dun to cusin Jethro

CACHE - Needed when you run out of food stamps

CHIP - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in

TERMINAL - Time to call the undertaker

CRASH - When you go to Junior's party uninvited

DIGITAL - The art of counting on your fingers

DISKETTE - Female Disco dancer

FAX - What you lie about to the IRS

HACKER - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking

HARDCOPY - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos

INTERNET - Where cafeteria workers put their hair

KEYBOARD - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere

MAC - Big Bubba's favorite fast food

MEGAHERTZ - How your head feels after 17 beers

MODEM - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall

MOUSE PAD - Where Mickey and Minnie live

NETWORK - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line

ONLINE - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test

ROM - Where the pope lives

SCREEN - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch

SERIAL PORT - A red wine you drink with breakfast

SUPERCONDUCTOR - Amtrak's Employee of the year

SCSI - What you call your week-old underwear