Beer jokes (676 to 690)

Two Aussies are adrift in a li...

Two Aussies are adrift in a lifeboat. While rummaging through the boat's provisions one of them finds an old lamp. He rubs the lamp and a genie suddenly appears. This genie tells them that he only grants one wish.
Without giving much thought to the matter, the lamp finder blurts out, "Turn the entire ocean into VB!"
The genie claps his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turns into beer.
The genie disappears and only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull breaks the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
The second Aussie turns to the first and says, "Nice going mate! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."

Three Aussie guys were working...

Three Aussie guys were working on a high-rise building project - Steve, Bruce and Kevin.
Steve falls off and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."
Kevin says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters.
Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Kev?"
"Steve's wife gave it to me,"
Bruce replies. "That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?"
"Well not exactly," Kevin said. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'.
She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.'
And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are'."

A guy dies and wakes up to fin...

A guy dies and wakes up to find he is in hell. He's really depressed as he stands in the processing line waiting to talk to an admittance counselor. He thinks to himself "I know I led a wild life but I wasn't that bad. I never thought it would come to this." Looking up he sees that it is his turn to be processed into hell. With fear and a heavy heart, he walks up to the counselor.

Counselor: What's the problem, you look depressed?

Guy: Well, what do you think? I'm in hell.

Counselor: Hell's not so bad, we actually have a lot of fun. Do you like to drink?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Counselor: Well then, you are going to love Mondays. On Mondays we drink up a storm. You can have whiskey, rum, tequila, beer, whatever you want and as much a you want. We party all night long. You'll love Mondays. Do you smoke?

Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact I do.

Counselor: You are going to love Tuesdays. Tuesday is smoke day. You get to smoke the finest cigars and best cigarettes available anywhere. And you smoke to your heart's desire without worrying about cancer because you are already dead! Is that great or what? You are going to love Tuesdays. Do you do drugs?

Guy: Well in my younger days I experimented a little.

Counselor: You are going to love Wednesdays. That's drug day. You can experiment with any drug you want and you don't have to worry about overdoses or getting hooked because you are already dead. You are going to love Wednesdays. Do you gamble?

Guy: Oh yes, I like to gamble.

Counselor: You are going to love Thursdays because we gamble all day and night -- black jack, craps, poker, slots, horse races, everything! You are going to love Thursdays. Are you gay?

Guy: Well, no I'm not.

Counselor: Oh [grimaces], you're gonna hate Fridays...

Free beer
Two Aussies a...

Free beer
Two Aussies are adrift in a lifeboat. While rummaging through the boat's provisions one of them finds an old lamp. He rubs the lamp and a genie suddenly appears. This genie tells them that he only grants one wish.
Without giving much thought to the matter, the lamp finder blurts out, "Turn the entire ocean into VB!"
The genie claps his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turns into beer.
The genie disappears and only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull breaks the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
The second Aussie turns to the first and says, "Nice going mate! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."

Honest Bumper Stickers

-- All men are idiots, and I married their king.
-- Your kid may be an honors student, but youre still an idiot.
-- I brake for no apparent reason.
-- Time is what keeps everything from happening all at once.
-- Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
-- I didnt fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
-- Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
-- Reality is a crutch for people who cant handle drugs.
-- I dont suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
-- Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off NOW.
-- Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
-- Always remember youre unique, just like everyone else.
-- Puritanism: the haunting fear that someone somewhere may be happy.
-- Consciousness cuts into my napping.
-- Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
-- There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who cant.
-- Keep honking. Im reloading.

What Not to Say to a Policeman

-- I cant reach my license unless you hold my beer.
-- Sorry, Officer, I didnt realize I was driving.
-- Wow, you mustve been doing about 125 mph to keep up with me!
-- I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
-- Youre not gonna check the trunk, are you?
-- You look just like my girlfriends deadbeat ex-husband.
-- The question is -- do YOU know why you pulled me over?
-- I was trying to keep up with traffic, and its miles ahead of me.
-- If you have to ask if Ive been drinking, Im not going to tell you, dude.
-- It wasnt my fault -- when I reached down to roll this joint, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged under the brake pedal.
-- Thats a sweet 9mm. You want to hold my .44 magnum?
-- If Id known I was getting a full body cavity search, I would have waxed!

Question And Answer Blond Jokes

Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
A: Artificial intelligence.
Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a hand grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back.
Q: What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.
Q: What does a blonde owl say?
A: What, what?
Q: What's the Blonde's cheer?
A: " I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well.. I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea..."
Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
A: To see what was on the other side.
Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "don't walk".

There was a Texan, a Dutchman ...

There was a Texan, a Dutchman and a Canadian sitting in a bar. The Texan picks up his beer and chugs it on down, then throws the glass up in the air and shoots it.

The bartender looks at him and asks, what'd you do that for? The Texan replies, "back in Texas we have so many glasses we don't have to drink out of the same one twice."

Next the Dutchman picks up his beer and chugs it on down, then throws the glass against the wall. The bartender looks at him and asks, "what'd you do that for?" The Dutchman replies, "back in Holland we have so many glasses we don't have to drink out of the same one twice."

Finally the Canadian picks up his beer and chugs it on down, then he takes the gun from the Texan and shoots the Dutchman. The bartender looks at him and asks, "now what did you do that for?" The Canadian replies, "well back in Canada, we have so many Dutchman, that we don't have to drink with the same one twice!"

Two men were fishing...

Two men were fishing. They found a bottle floating on the water, retrieved it, rubbed it, and a genie popped out.

"I'll grant each of you one wish," said the genie.

The first man wished for a new fishing boat, all decked out, complete with outboard, the whole nine yards. Poof! New boat!

The second man wished for the lake to be turned into beer. Poof! The lake is now made of beer.

"You dummy!" exclaimed the first man. "Now we'll have to pee in the boat!"

I'm lost

A small boy was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"

The policeman said, "What's he like?"

The little boy replied, "Chips and beer."

Knock Knock Collection 025

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Beryl!
Beryl who?
Beryl of beer!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Bette-lou!
Bette-lou who?
Betty-lou a few pounds!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Betty!
Betty who?
Betty ya don't know who this is!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Betty!
Betty who?
Betty-bye!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Bibi!
Bibi who?
Bibi gun!

The Man Who Orders Three Beers

An Irishman by the name of Paul McLean moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.
An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more. This happens yet again. The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers.
Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers."
"'Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies. "You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America, and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond."
The bartender and the whole town was pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.
Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening -- he orders only two beers. Word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.
The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know -- the two beers and all..."
The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well. It's just that I, meself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent."

A Bet Made At The Local Bar

A man walks into a bar, and as he makes his way to the counter, he stops and talks to everyone in the bar. As he finishes with each group of people, they all get up and leave and go stand outside the window, looking in. Finally, the bar is empty except for this guy and the bartender. The man walks up to the counter, and says to the bartender, "I bet you $1,000 that I can spray beer from my mouth into a shot glass from thirty feet away, and not get any outside the glass."
The bartender thinks that this guy is a nutcase, but he wants his $1,000, so he agrees. The bartender gets out a shot glass, paces off thirty feet, and the contest begins. The man sprays beer all over the bar. He doesn't even touch the shot glass. When he finishes, the bartender looks at him and says, "Well, I guess you owe me $1,000, huh?"
The man answers, "Yeah, but I bet all of those people outside the window $500 a piece that I could come in here and spray beer all over the bar."

Q: How many m...

Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?

A: None. It should be open when the woman brings it to you.

Raffle prizes!

Bubba & Earl were in the local bar enjoying a beer when the decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle. They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop.

The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize. Earl won 1st prize, a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra-long spaghetti. Bubba won 6th prize, a toilet brush.

About a week or so had passed when the men met back in the neighborhood bar for a couple of beers. Bubba asked Earl how he liked his prize, to which Earl replied, "Great, I love spaghetti! How about you, how's that toilet brush?"

"Not so good," replied Bubba, "I reckon I'm gonna go back to paper."