|
Beer jokes (691 to 705)Jokes about beer. These are the jokes listed 691 to 705. |
The General Managers of Cascad...
The General Managers of Cascade Brewery (Tasmania), Tooheys (NewSouth Wales), XXXX (Queensland), CUB (Victoria) and Coopers (South Australia) were at a national beer conference.They decide to all go to lunch together and the waitress asks what they want to drink.
The General Manager of Tooheys says without hesitation, "I'll have a Tooheys New."
The General Manager of Cascade smiles and says, "I'll have a Cascade Draught, brewed from pure mountain water."
The General Manager of Coopers proudly says, "I'll have a Coopers, the King of Beers."
The bloke from XXXX says, "I'll have a XXXX, the cleanest beer on the planet."
The General Manager from Carlton glances at his lunch mates and says, "I'll have a Diet Coke."
The others look at him like he has sprouted a new head.
He just shrugs and says, "Well if you poofters aren't drinking beer, then neither will I."
Be Politically Correct
How to be Politically Correct when talking about Men (Or Army Men)
He does not have a beer gut...
He has developed a Liquid Grain Storage Facility.(regular guys)
He has a personal war reserve stock.(army guys)
He is not quiet...
He is a Conversational Minimalist.
He is a SAMS grad.
He is not stupid...
He suffers from Minimal Cranial Development.
He is a field grade.
He does not get lost all the time...
He discovers Alternative Destinations.
He gets temporarily misoriented.
He is not balding...
He is in Follicle Regression.
He has a REALLY squared away high and tight.
He is not a cradle robber...
He prefers Generationally Differential Relationships.
He is breaking the new fraternization policies.
He does not get falling-down drunk...
He becomes Accidentally Horizontal.
He practices his IMTs in the club.
He is not short...
He is Anatomically Compact.
He suffers from a Napoleon Complex.
He does not have a rich daddy...
He is a Recipient of Parental Asset Infusion.
He has the Army as a hobby.
He does not constantly talk about cars...
He has a Vehicular Addiction.
He must be a Transporter.
He does not have a hot body...
He is Physically Combustible.
He is a PT stud.
He is not unsophisticated...
He is Socially Challenged.
He is a Ranger.
He does not eat like a pig...
He suffers from Reverse Bulimia.
He eats like a Ranger student at Pizza Hut.
He is not a bad dancer...
He is Overly Caucasian.
He is from the Muddy Boots Army.
He does not hog the blankets...
He is Thermally Unappreciative.
He is a Blue Falcon.
He is not a male chauvinist pig...
He has Swine Empathy.
He must be combat arms.
He is not afraid of commitment...
He is Monogamously Challenged.
He loves TDY.
Two guys in a life raft in the...
Two guys in a life raft in the middle of the ocean. One sees an old bottle floating. He picks it up and rubs it,and a genie comes out.The genie says, "For letting me out, I will grant you one wish." The guy says, (without thinking) "Turn this ocean into beer". And the ocean turns into the best beer anybody has ever tasted.
The second guy says to the first, "You idiot, now we'll have to piss in the boat".
Impressions
HOW ...
Impressions
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN
Compliment her
respect her
honor her
cuddle her
kiss her, caress her
love her, stroke her
tease her
comfort her
protect her
hug her
hold her
spend money on her
wine and dine her
buy things for her
listen to her
care for her
stand by her
support her
hold her
go to the ends of the Earth for her
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN
Show up naked
Bring food & beer
WATER...... It has been scient...
WATER...... It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 liter Of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more Than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli bacteria found in feces, in other words, We are consuming 1 kilo of poop!However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, Vodka, beer or other liquors) because alcohol has to go through a Distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.
It is better to drink wine and talk sh*t than to drink water and be full Of sh*t.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information, I am doing this as a public service.
Vat Vas Dat Agin?
Helga was hanging the wash out to dry, and then went downtown to pick up some dry cleaning.''''''''Gootness, iss hot,'''''''' she mused to herself as the sun beat down on her. She passed by a tavern and said, ''''''''Vy nought?'''''''' So she walked into the air conditioning and took a seat at the bar.
"Bartender," she said. "I vill have unt cold beer, please.''''''''
The bartender asked, ''''''''Anheuser Busch?''''''''
''''''''Vell, fine, tanks," she said, "Just unt leetle svetty.''''''''
Baptism....
Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said solemnly, "Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?"
"I think so," the man replied. "My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our guests."
"I don't mean that," the priest responded. "I mean, are you prepared spiritually?"
"Oh, sure," came the reply. "I've got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey."
Sensitive Beer
Three hicks were working on a telephone tower - Steve, Bruce and Jed. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."
Jed says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer.
Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Jed?"
"Steve's wife gave it to me," Jed replies.
"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"
Well, not exactly", Jed says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'."
She said, "No, I'm not a widow!"
And I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.
Arthritis
A drun...
Arthritis
A drunken man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained; his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of whiskey was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
The priest replied, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of bathing."
The drunk muttered his response, "Well, I'll be damned," then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
One For The Road...
One For The Road
A cowgirl, who is visiting Texas from Arkansas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. She sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When she finishes them, she comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowgirl, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowgirl replies, "Well, you see, I have two sisters. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin. When we all left our home in Arkansas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my sisters and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowgirl becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. She orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, she comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When she comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowgirl looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in her eyes and she laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," she explains, "It's just that my husband and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
"Hasn't affected my sisters though."
YOU MIGHT BE A SCROOGE IF:...
YOU MIGHT BE A SCROOGE IF:Christmas Jokes
- Your only contact with three spirits on Christmas Eve is gin, vodka and bourbon.
- You turn on the lawn sprinklers on Christmas Eve to keep carolers away.
- You buy all of your Christmas gifts at a store that also sells gas.
- Your favorite version of “A Christmas Carol” stars Bob Packwood or Bill Clinton.
- Your favorite version of “Babes in Toyland” stars Michael Jackson.
- Your favorite version of “The Nutcracker” stars Andrew Golata.
- You get your Christmas Tree at a rest stop at night.
- You give bathroom fixtures as Christmas gifts.
- Your prized Christmas ornament is Santa Claus shooting the moon.
- Your favorite Christmas movie is Jurassic Park.
- Your idea of Christmas dinner is a six pack of beer and a cheese log.
- You think “Ho, Ho, Ho” is a line from a Rocky movie.
- Your best Christmas tradition involves a fire and reindeer meat.
- You use your Christmas Club money to buy wrestling tickets.
- Your favorite version of “Silent Night” is sung by OJ Simpson.
- Your favorite version of “I'm dreaming of a white Christmas” is sung by the KKK choir.
- Your only holiday decoration is a rotting pumpkin.
A Cultural Comparison
Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad. Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.
Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.
Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.
Americans: Believe that people should look out for & take care of themselves.
Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job.
Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.
Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.
Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them.
Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.
Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels.
Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels.
Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no-one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.
Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and basketball.
Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby.
Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.
Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they play them in.
Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it "English".
Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English".
Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.
Aussies: Add "G'day", "mate" and a heavy accent to everything they say in an attempt to be cool.
Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.
Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.
Americans: Drink weak, bad-tasting beer.
Canadians: Drink strong, bad-tasting beer.
Brits: Drink warm, bad-tasting beer.
Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.
Americans: Seem to think that poverty & failure are morally suspect.
Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited things.
Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.
3 Wise Men
There were 3 wise men in a bar and i know right off your going to say that they arent so wise, but who cant resist beer?kay back to story. The wise men thought they saw Jesus in a seat! they walked to tap him on the shoulder when suddenly the guy turned around and said- Im not Jesus! im god! the wise men then said " ohhh i thought you were Jesus! Screw you then" and dumped all their beer on him. The wise men had no more money for beer and left sad.
