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Beer jokes (706 to 720)Jokes about beer. These are the jokes listed 706 to 720. |
A Cultural Comparison
Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad. Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.
Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.
Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.
Americans: Believe that people should look out for & take care of themselves.
Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job.
Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.
Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.
Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them.
Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.
Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels.
Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels.
Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no-one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.
Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and basketball.
Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby.
Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.
Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they play them in.
Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it "English".
Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English".
Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.
Aussies: Add "G'day", "mate" and a heavy accent to everything they say in an attempt to be cool.
Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.
Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.
Americans: Drink weak, bad-tasting beer.
Canadians: Drink strong, bad-tasting beer.
Brits: Drink warm, bad-tasting beer.
Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.
Americans: Seem to think that poverty & failure are morally suspect.
Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited things.
Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.
3 Wise Men
There were 3 wise men in a bar and i know right off your going to say that they arent so wise, but who cant resist beer?kay back to story. The wise men thought they saw Jesus in a seat! they walked to tap him on the shoulder when suddenly the guy turned around and said- Im not Jesus! im god! the wise men then said " ohhh i thought you were Jesus! Screw you then" and dumped all their beer on him. The wise men had no more money for beer and left sad.
Downsizing - Funny Jokes
Signs Your Company is Going to Downsize
10. Company Softball Team is converted to a Chess Club.
9. Dr. Kevorkian is hired as an “Outplacement Coordinator”.
8. Your best looking women in Marketing are suddenly very
friendly with the dorky Personnel Manager.
7. The beer supplied by the Company at picnics is Schlitz.
6. Weekly yard/bake sale at Corporate Headquarters.
5. Company President now driving a Ford Escort.
4. Annual Company Holiday Bash moved from the Sheraton to the
local Taco Bell.
3. Employee discount days at the local “Army & Navy Surplus
Store” are discontinued.
2. Dental plan now consists of a Company supplied kit (String,
pliers and 2 aspirin).
1. Your CEO has installed a dart board in his office marked
with all existing departments in the Company.
Remember folks, “We're not Downsizing, we're Rightsizing!!”
Simple one liners are th...
Simple one liners are the best?
1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences..... He thought he was God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
4. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
7. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
8. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
9. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
10. I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
11. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
13. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
14. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
15. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
16. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
17. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
18. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
19. Procrastinate Now!
20. I Have an Arts Degree; Do You Want Fries With That?
21. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
22. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
23. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
24. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
25. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
26. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
27. Ham and eggs: A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
28. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
29. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.
30. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.
Mexican Smuggler
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?""Sand," answered Juan.
The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike." The guard detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. He releases Juan and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What's in the bags?"
"Sand," says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events is repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.
"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about...Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"
Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."
Mexican Smuggler
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders.The guard stops him and says, "What''s in the bags?" "Sand," answered Juan. The guard says, "We'll just see about that get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.
He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man''s shoulders, and lets him cross the border. A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?" "Sand," says Juan. The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand.He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle. This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico. "Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about..... I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?" Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."
THE Definition of a BBQ<...
THE Definition of a BBQ
When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:
1. The woman goes to the shops.
2. The woman fixes the salad, vegetables and dessert.
3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, beer in hand.
4. The man places the meat on the grill.
5. The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.
6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer whilst he deals with the situation.
7. The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
8. The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
10. Everyone praises man and thanks him for his cooking efforts.
11. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed her night off, and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.
Give Me A Double
So this guy walks into a bar and says, “Gve me two beers.”The bartender obliges him.
The guy looks into his wallet and says, “Give me two more beers.”
So the bartender gives him two more beers. The man went on like this until he had put down ten beers, and keeps on going in his wallet and asking for two more beers.
So the bartender asks, “What's in your wallet that you keep looking at?”
So the man opens his wallet and says, “The more I drink, the prettier my wife gets.”
The Hamster Show
A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he will give him a free beer if he shows him something amazing. The bartender agrees, so the guys pulls out a hamster, who begins dancing and singing "Tuff Enuff" by the Fabulous Thunderbirds."That IS amazing!" says the bartender and gives the guy his free beer.
"If I show you something else amazing, will you give me another beer?" The bartender agrees, so the guy pulls out a small piano and a hamster and a frog. Now the hamster plays the piano while the frog dances and sings "You Ain't Seen Nothing Yet" by Bachman-Turner Overdrive.
The bartender, completely wowed, gives him another beer. A man in a suit, who's been watching the entire time, offers to buy the frog for a princely sum, which the man agrees to.
"Are you nuts?" asks the bartender. "You could've made a fortune off that frog."
"Can you keep a secret?" asks the man. "The hamster's a ventriloquist."
Ponderings Collection 12
Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.
The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.
Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
When you're swimming in the creek, and an eel bites your cheek, that's a moray!
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.
Useless Trivia...
<...Useless Trivia...
The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.
The youngest pope was 11 years old.
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David,
Hearts - Charlemagne,
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
I am; is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
Q. What occurs more often in December than any other month? A. Conception.
Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you could find the letter A? A. One thousand.
Q. What do bullet-proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers all have in common? A. All invented by women.
Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil? A. Honey
In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase "goodnight, sleep tight"?
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month or what we know today as the honeymoon.
In ancient England a person could not have sex unless you had consent of the King (unless you were in the Royal Family). When anyone wanted to have a baby, they got consent of the King, the King gave them a placard that they hung on their door while they were having sex. The placard had F.*.* K. (Fornication Under Consent of the King) on it. Now you know where that word came from.
In Scotland, a new game was invented. It was entitled Gentlemen Only, Ladies Forbidden...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
A man comes home from an exhau...
A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts." The wife sighs and gets him a beer.Fifteen minutes later, the man says, "Get me another beer before it starts."
She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him.
He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute."
The wife is furious. She yells at him, "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? YouÂ’re nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore..."
The man sighs and says, "ItÂ’s started..."
For those of you who watch wha...
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all the conflicting medical studies:1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausage and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Slot machine winner
A dumb blonde was standing in front of a soda machine outside of a local store. After putting in sixty cents, a root beer pops out of the machine. She set it on the ground, puts sixty more cents into the machine, and pushes another button; suddenly, a coke comes out the machine!She continued to do this until a man waiting to use the machine became impatient. "Excuse me, can I get my soda and then you can go back to whatever stupid thing you are doing?"
The blonde turns around and says, "Yeah right! I'm not giving up this machine while I'm still winning!"
