Cat jokes (301 to 315)

Things to do @ Wal-Mart while ...

Things to do @ Wal-Mart while the significant other is taking his/her sweet time:

1. Get cans of cat food and randomly put them in people's carts when they don't realize it.
2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
3. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in house wares," and see what happens.
5. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10."
6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
7. Put M&M's on layaway.
8. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
9. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
10. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"

A dog thinks: Hey, these peopl...

A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me ... They must be Gods!

A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me ... I must be a God!

THE CAT:
One day, a...

THE CAT:
One day, a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven, where he meets the Lord Himself.
The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life, and if there is any way I can make your stay in heaven more comfortable, please let me know."
The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor."
The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and a wonderful, fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident, and all of them go to heaven.
Again, the Lord is there to greet them with the same offer.
The mice answer, "All our lives we have been chased.
We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms.
Running, running, running; we're tired of running.
Do you think we could have roller skates so that we don't have to run anymore?"
The Lord says, "Say no more" and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.
Week later, the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow.
The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since you got here?"
The cat stretches and yawns, then replies, "It is wonderful here.
Better than I could have ever expected. And those 'Meals On Wheels' you've been sending by are the best!"

Knock Knock Collection 166

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Sonata!
Sonata who?
Sonata such a big deal!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Sondheim!
Sondheim who?
Sondheim soon!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Sonia!
Sonia who?
Sonia be another year older!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Sophia!
Sophia who?
Sophia the cat before dinner!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Sonia!
Sonia who?
Sonia paper moon...!

Foreign Language

A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along, when all of a sudden, a cat attacks them.
The mother mouse goes, "BARK!" and the cat runs away.
"See?" says the mother mouse to her baby. "Now do you see why it's important to learn a foreign language?"

Goldfish burial

Little eight-year-old Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the youngster was doing, he asked: "What are you doing there, Nancy?"

"My goldfish died," Nancy sobbed. "And I've just buried him."

The obnoxious neighbor laughed and said condescendingly: "That's a really big hole for a little goldfish, don't you think?"

Nancy patted down the last heap of earth with her shovel and replied: "That's because he's inside your cat."

After every flight, pilots fil...

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which
conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during
the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct
the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form
what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets
before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of
humor!
Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as
submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance
engineers.
(P = the problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = the solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

Funny puns-Raining

What does the cow say?

A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter.
Mother: 'What does the cow say?'
Child: 'Moooo!'

Mother: 'Great! What does the cat say?'
Child: 'Meow.'

Mother: 'Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?'
And this wide-eyed little three-year-old looked up at her mother and replied, 'Bud.'

Drink Too Much Coffee

You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When . . .

1. Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
   
2. You ski uphill.
   
3. You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
   
4. You speed walk in your sleep.
   
5. You have a bumper sticker that says: "Coffee drinkers are good in the sack."
   
6. You answer the door before people knock.
   
7. You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
   
8. You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.
   
9. You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
   
10. You sleep with your eyes open.
    
11. You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
    
12. The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
    
13. You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
    
14. You lick your coffeepot clean.
    
15. You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House."
    
16. You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.
    
17. You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
    
18. Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
    
19. You chew on other people's fingernails.
    
20. The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
    
21. Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's coffee."
    
22. Your so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
    
23. You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.
    
24. You can jump-start your car without cables.
    
25. Cocaine is a downer.
    
26. All your kids are named "Joe."
    
27. You don't need a hammer to pound in nails.
    
28. Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
    
29. You don't sweat, you percolate.
    
30. You buy milk by the barrel.
    
31. You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
    
32. You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
    
33. You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
    
34. You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
    
35. Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
    
36. You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
    
37. People get dizzy just watching you.
    
38. When you find a penny, you say, "Find a penny, pick it up. Sixty-three more, I'll have a cup."
    
39. You've worn the finish off your coffee table.
    
40. The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
    
41. Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
    
42. Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
    
43. You're so wired, you pick up AM radio.
    
44. People can test their batteries in your ears.
    
45. Your life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans.
    
46. Instant coffee takes too long.
    
47. You channel surf faster without a remote.
    
48. When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."
    
49. You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can
    
50. You want to come back as a coffee mug in your next life.
    
51. Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil
    
52. You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.
    
53. You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
    
54. You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
    
55. You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."
    
56. You get drunk just so you can sober up.
    
57. You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.
    
58. Your Thermos is on wheels.
    
59. Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
    
60. You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
    
61. You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
    
62. You short out motion detectors.
    
63. You have a conniption over spilled milk.
    
64. You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
    
65. Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
    
66. You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
    
67. You don't tan, you roast.
    
68. You don't get mad, you get steamed.
    
69. Your three favorite things in life are...coffee before and coffee after.
    
70. Your lover uses soft lights, romantic music, and a glass of iced coffee to get you in the mood.
    
71. You can't even remember your second cup.
    
72. You help your dog chase its tail.
    
73. You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
    
74. Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.
    
75. You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate.
    
76. You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."
    
77. Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
    

Nine lives....

A tom cat and a tabby cat were courting on a back fence at night.

The tom leaned over to the tabby with pent up passion and purred... "I'll die for you"

The tabby gazed at him from under lowered eye lids and asked,

"How many times?".

Reptile Jokes 02

Where do frogs keep their money?

In a river bank!

What kind of bull doesn't have horns?

A bullfrog!

What jumps up and down in front of a car?

Froglights!

Why doesn't Kermit the Frog like elephants?

They always want to play leap frog with him!

Why was the frog down in the mouth?
He was un hoppy!

Why is a frog luckier than a cat?

Because a frog croaks all the time but a cat only gets to croak nine times!

What's a toad's favorite ballet?
Swamp Lake!

Whats green and can jump a mile a minute?

A frog with hiccups!

Why did the lizard go on a diet?

It weighed too much for its scales!

What do you call the English Toad Prize giving cermony?

The Brit Awarts!

For all of you with teenagers ...

For all of you with teenagers or who had teenagers, you may want to know why they really have a lot in common with cats:
1. Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.
2. No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot.
3. You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.
4. Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing.
5. Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.

A brilliant magician was perfo...

A brilliant magician was performing on an ocean liner. But every time he did a trick, a talking cat in the audience would scream, "It's a trick. It's not magic. You're a big phony!"
Then one night during a storm, the ship sank while the magician was performing. And who should end up in the same lifeboat together, all alone, but the talking cat and the magician! For three days, they glared at each other, neither one saying a word to the other. Finally the cat sighed and said, "All right, smart-aleck. You and your darn tricks. What did you do with the ship?"

Dog Jokes 04

Q: What do you get if you cross a dog and a cheetah?
A: A dog that chases cars - and catches them!

Q: What happens when it rains cats and dogs?
A: You can step in a poodle!

Q: What sort of clothes does a pet dog wear?
A: A petticoat!

Q: What do you get if you cross a dog and a lion?
A: A terrified postman!

Q: What happened to the dog that ate nothing but garlic?
A: His bark was much worse than it's bite!

Q: What is a dogs favorite flower?
A: Anything in your garden!

Q: What dog wears contact lenses?
A: A cock-eyed spaniel!
Q: What's a dog favorite hobby?
A: Collecting fleas!

Q: What did the hungry Dalmatian say when he had a meal?
A: That hit the spots!

Q: What do you get if you cross a Rottweiller and a hyena?
A: I don't know but I'll join in if it laughs!