Cat jokes (376 to 390)

Weather For The Dogs

To tell the weather, go to your back door and look for the dog.

If the dog is at the door and he is wet, it's raining. If the dog is
standing there really soaking wet, it is raining very hard.

If the dog's fur looks like it's been rubbed the wrong way, it's windy.

If the dog has snow on his back, it's probably snowing.

Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to leave
the dog outside all the time, especially if you expect bad weather.

Sincerely,
THE CAT

Short Father Christmas

What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with a detective?
Santa Clues!
Father Christmas win a saucepan in a competition.
Now thats what you call pot luck!

What do the reindeer sing to Father Christmas on his birthday ?
Freeze a jolly good fellow !
What do you call a man who claps at Christmas ?
Santapplause !
Twinkle Twinkle chocolate bar
Santa drives a rusty car
Press the starter
Press the choke
Off he goes in a cloud of smoke !
Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas ?
Santa Jaws !
Why does Father Christmas like to work in the garden ?
Because he likes to hoe, hoe, hoe !
Why is a cat on a beach like Christmas ?
Because they both have "Sandy claws" !
What does Father Christmas call his money ?
Iced lolly ?
What's Father Christmas called when he takes a rest while delivering presents ?
Santa pause !

Redneck quickies 2

You might be a redneck if...

Your home has more miles on it than your car.

Your Christmas tree is still up in February.

You've ever been arrested for loitering.

You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouvre.

There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.

You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.

You've ever shot anyone for looking at you.

You own a homemade fur coat.

Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

Your momma has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

Does your cat own you?

Do you select your friends based on how well your cats like them?

Does your desire to collect cats intensify during times of stress?

Do you buy more than 50 pounds of cat litter a month?

Do you scoop out the litter box after each use? Do you wait at the box with the scoop in your hand?

Do you think it's cute when your cat swings on the drapes or licks the butter?

Do you admit to non-cat owners how many cats you really have?

Do you sleep in the same position all night because it annoys your cats when you move?

Do you feed your cat tidbits from the table with your fork?

Does your cat sit at the table (or ON the table) when you eat?

Does your cat sleep on your head? Do you like it?

Do you have more than four opened but rejected cans of cat food in the refrigerator?

Do you watch bad TV because the cat is sleeping on the remote?

Did you buy a video tape of fish swimming in an aquarium to entertain your cat?

Will you stand at the open door indefinitely in the freezing rain while your cat sniffs the door, deciding whether to go out or come in?

Would you rather spend a night at home with your cat than go out on a bad date?

Do you give your cat presents and a stocking at Christmas? Do you spend more for your cat than you do for your spouse?

Do the Christmas cards you send out feature your cat sitting on Santa's lap? Does your cat sign the card?

Do you put off making the bed until the cat gets up?

Do you microwave your cat's food? Prepare it from scratch?

Do you climb out of bed over the headboard or foot board, so you won't disturb the sleeping cat?

At the store, do you pick up the cat food and kitty litter before you pick out anything for yourself?

Do you cook a special turkey for your cat on holidays?

Does your cat “insist” on a fancy Sunday breakfast consisting of an omelet made from eggs, milk, and salmon, halibut, or trout?

Do you have pictures of your cat in your wallet? Do you bring them out when your friends share pictures of their children?
(Pollsters claim that 40 per cent of cat owners carry their pet's pictures in their wallets, by the way.)

When people call to talk to you on the phone, do you insist that they say a few words to your cat as well?

Do you accept dates only with those who have a cat? If so, do you eventually double-date with the cats to see how they get along?

When someone new comes to your house, do you introduce your cat, by name, to them?

Three mice are sitting around ...

Three mice are sitting around drinking and boasting about their strengths.

The first mouse says, "Mouse traps, Ha! I do pushups with the bar."

The second mouse pulls a pill from his pocket, swallows it, and says with a grin, "D-Con Rat Poison."

The third mouse finishes his drink, slams his glass on the table, and starts to leave.

The first mouse says, "Where do you think you're going?�

"Time to go home and chase the cat."

After a lady’s car had leaked ...

After a lady’s car had leaked motor oil on her cement driveway, she bought a large bag of cat litter to soak it up. It worked so well, that she went back to the store to get another bag to finish the job. The clerk remembered her. Looking thoughtfully at her purchase, he said, “Lady, if that were my cat, I’d put him outside!”

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU HIRED THE WRONG KID TO MOW YOUR LAWN

10.He shows up with a pair of nail clippers and a Ziploc bag

9. On the side of his mower you notice the stenciled silhouettes of thirteen cats

8. Stops frequently to nap inside the grass-catcher

7. Always trying to impress you by stopping the mower blades with his head

6. You notice him shoving the last of his clothes into the mulcher

5. He's fascinated by the details of you home security system

4. Stops every couple of minutes to smoke some clippings

3. Somehow manages to mow the hood ornament off your Lexus

2. Turns a goat loose and says he'll be back in three weeks

1. No toes

Cat Jokes 03

Q: What looks like half a cat?
A: The other half!

Q: What was the name of the film about a killer lion that swam underwater?

A: 'Claws.'
Q: If a four-legged animal is a quadruped and a two-legged animal is a biped, What's a tiger?

A: A stri-ped!

Q: What do you get if you cross a tiger with a sheep?

A: A stripey sweater!

Q: How does a lion greet the other animals in the field?

A: 'Pleased to eat you.'!

Q: What do you get if you cross a tiger with a snowman?

A: Frostbite!

Q: What did the lions say to his cubs when he taught them to hunt?

A: 'Don't go over the road till you see the zebra crossing.'
Q: What is lion's favorite food?

A: Baked beings!

And God Created Dog and Cat

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to 'Where do pets come from?'
Adam said, 'Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me every day. Now I do not see you any more. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me.'And God said 'No problem. I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself.'
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and it wagged its tail.
And Adam said, 'Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.'
And God said, 'No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him Dog.'
And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, 'Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well.'
And the Lord said, 'No problem. I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration.'
And God created Cat to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the Supreme Being. And Adam learned humility.
And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved. And Dog was happy.
And Cat didn't care one way or the other.

If you can

If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,
If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,
If you can overlook when people take things out on you, when through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

Then, you are almost as good as your dog or your cat.

Sign of the times...

A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter:

Mother: 'What does the cow say?'

Child: 'Moooo!'
Mother: 'Great! What does the cat say?'

Child: 'Meow.'
Mother: 'Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?'

And this wide-eyed little three-year-old looked up at her mother and replied, 'Bud.'

Funny Windows Messages

1.Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
2.Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
3.Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
4.Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
5.This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
6.Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"
7.This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off."
8.To "shut down" your system, type "WIN"
9.BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
10.COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.
11.File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
12.Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
13.Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
14.Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
15.WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
16.User Error: Replace user.
17.Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"
18.Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way

Why Ask Why 01

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
If nothing ever sticks to teflon, how do they make teflon stick to the pan?
If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

A man goes on a 2-month busine...

A man goes on a 2-month business trip to Europe and leaves his cat with his brother. Three days before his return he calls his brother.
Brother 1: So how is my cat doing?
Brother 2: He's Dead
Brother 1: He's Dead! What do you mean He's Dead! I loved that cat. Couldn't you think of a nicer way to tell me! I'm leaving in 3 days. You could of broke me to the news easier. You could of told me today that she got out of the house or something. Then when I called before I left you could of told me, Well, we found her but she is up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down. Then when I call you from the airport you could of told me, The Fire Department was there and scared her off the roof and the cat died when it hit the ground.
Brother 2: I'm sorry...you're right...that was insensitive I won't let it happen again.
Brother 1: Alright, alright, forget about it. Anyway, how is Mom doing?
Brother 2: She's up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down.

Cat rules

BATHROOMS
Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.

DOORS
Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get door open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an “outside” door opened, stand halfway in the door and think about various things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season.

CHAIRS AND RUGS
If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so it is as long as a human's bare foot.

HAMPERING
If one of your humans is engaged in some activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called “helping,” otherwise known as hampering.” 1) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted. 2) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself. 3) For paperwork, lie so as to obscure as much of the work as possible. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or pen. 4) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him, jump on the back of the paper. Humans love to be startled. 5) When human is working at computer, jump up on desk, walk across keyboard, bat at mouse pointer on screen and then lie in human's lap, preventing typing.

WALKING
As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get out of bed in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.

BEDTIME
Always sleep on the human at night so he cannot move.

LITTER BOX
When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter out of the box as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty litter between their toes.

HIDING
Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot find you. Do not come out for three to four hours under any circumstances. This will cause the humans to panic (which they love) thinking that you have run away or are lost. Once you do come out, the humans will cover you with love and kisses and you will probably get a treat.

ONE LAST THOUGHT
Whenever possible, get close to a human, especially his face, turn around, and present your butt to him. Humans love this, so do it often. And don't forget guests!