Cat jokes (376 to 390)

A couple is dressed and ready ...

A couple is dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They phone for a cab, turn on a night light, cover their pet parakeet, and put the cat out in the back yard.

The taxi arrives, and they open the front door to leave. Suddenly the cat they put out scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in there because she always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes back in. The cat runs upstairs, with the man in hot pursuit.

The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later the husband gets into the cab.

"Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away. "Stupid hag was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat butt downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!

The cab driver hit a parked car.

Robert Schmidt 11

The museum boasted owning the original version of Beethoven's unfinished basement.
What are imitation rhinestones?
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
Let's say you stuff a cat's tail up his ass until it peeks out of his mouth, and you give the tip of its tail a sound yank. Would the cat turn inside out?
I recently changed my name to Resident Occupant. The local post office would like to speak with me but they're not sure where I live. Last week they used a barge to deliver my mail. But I don't think I'm getting it all. So if you happen to see any of it...
I'm getting a tattoo. It's going to be all over my whole body--a tattoo of myself. Only taller.
I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was "woman".
I have a decaffeinated coffee table. You'd never know it to look at it.
My neighbors don't like it when I talk to my plants ... I use a megaphone.

T-Shirt Slogans

I childproofed my house, but they still get in.

On the front: 60 is not old.
On the back: …If you're a tree.

My reality check just bounced.

Life is short, make fun of it.

I'm not 50. I'm $49.95 plus tax.

I'm not a snob. I'm just better than you are.

It's my cat's world. I'm just here to open cans.

Keep staring…. I may do a trick.

We got rid of the kids. The cat was allergic.

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash, and it's gone.

Every time I hear the word “exercise”, I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

Weather For The Dogs

To tell the weather, go to your back door and look for the dog.

If the dog is at the door and he is wet, it's raining. If the dog is
standing there really soaking wet, it is raining very hard.

If the dog's fur looks like it's been rubbed the wrong way, it's windy.

If the dog has snow on his back, it's probably snowing.

Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to leave
the dog outside all the time, especially if you expect bad weather.

Sincerely,
THE CAT

Short Father Christmas

What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with a detective?
Santa Clues!
Father Christmas win a saucepan in a competition.
Now thats what you call pot luck!

What do the reindeer sing to Father Christmas on his birthday ?
Freeze a jolly good fellow !
What do you call a man who claps at Christmas ?
Santapplause !
Twinkle Twinkle chocolate bar
Santa drives a rusty car
Press the starter
Press the choke
Off he goes in a cloud of smoke !
Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas ?
Santa Jaws !
Why does Father Christmas like to work in the garden ?
Because he likes to hoe, hoe, hoe !
Why is a cat on a beach like Christmas ?
Because they both have "Sandy claws" !
What does Father Christmas call his money ?
Iced lolly ?
What's Father Christmas called when he takes a rest while delivering presents ?
Santa pause !

Redneck quickies 2

You might be a redneck if...

Your home has more miles on it than your car.

Your Christmas tree is still up in February.

You've ever been arrested for loitering.

You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouvre.

There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.

You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.

You've ever shot anyone for looking at you.

You own a homemade fur coat.

Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

Your momma has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

Does your cat own you?

Do you select your friends based on how well your cats like them?

Does your desire to collect cats intensify during times of stress?

Do you buy more than 50 pounds of cat litter a month?

Do you scoop out the litter box after each use? Do you wait at the box with the scoop in your hand?

Do you think it's cute when your cat swings on the drapes or licks the butter?

Do you admit to non-cat owners how many cats you really have?

Do you sleep in the same position all night because it annoys your cats when you move?

Do you feed your cat tidbits from the table with your fork?

Does your cat sit at the table (or ON the table) when you eat?

Does your cat sleep on your head? Do you like it?

Do you have more than four opened but rejected cans of cat food in the refrigerator?

Do you watch bad TV because the cat is sleeping on the remote?

Did you buy a video tape of fish swimming in an aquarium to entertain your cat?

Will you stand at the open door indefinitely in the freezing rain while your cat sniffs the door, deciding whether to go out or come in?

Would you rather spend a night at home with your cat than go out on a bad date?

Do you give your cat presents and a stocking at Christmas? Do you spend more for your cat than you do for your spouse?

Do the Christmas cards you send out feature your cat sitting on Santa's lap? Does your cat sign the card?

Do you put off making the bed until the cat gets up?

Do you microwave your cat's food? Prepare it from scratch?

Do you climb out of bed over the headboard or foot board, so you won't disturb the sleeping cat?

At the store, do you pick up the cat food and kitty litter before you pick out anything for yourself?

Do you cook a special turkey for your cat on holidays?

Does your cat “insist” on a fancy Sunday breakfast consisting of an omelet made from eggs, milk, and salmon, halibut, or trout?

Do you have pictures of your cat in your wallet? Do you bring them out when your friends share pictures of their children?
(Pollsters claim that 40 per cent of cat owners carry their pet's pictures in their wallets, by the way.)

When people call to talk to you on the phone, do you insist that they say a few words to your cat as well?

Do you accept dates only with those who have a cat? If so, do you eventually double-date with the cats to see how they get along?

When someone new comes to your house, do you introduce your cat, by name, to them?

Three mice are sitting around ...

Three mice are sitting around drinking and boasting about their strengths.

The first mouse says, "Mouse traps, Ha! I do pushups with the bar."

The second mouse pulls a pill from his pocket, swallows it, and says with a grin, "D-Con Rat Poison."

The third mouse finishes his drink, slams his glass on the table, and starts to leave.

The first mouse says, "Where do you think you're going?�

"Time to go home and chase the cat."

After a lady’s car had leaked ...

After a lady’s car had leaked motor oil on her cement driveway, she bought a large bag of cat litter to soak it up. It worked so well, that she went back to the store to get another bag to finish the job. The clerk remembered her. Looking thoughtfully at her purchase, he said, “Lady, if that were my cat, I’d put him outside!”

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU HIRED THE WRONG KID TO MOW YOUR LAWN

10.He shows up with a pair of nail clippers and a Ziploc bag

9. On the side of his mower you notice the stenciled silhouettes of thirteen cats

8. Stops frequently to nap inside the grass-catcher

7. Always trying to impress you by stopping the mower blades with his head

6. You notice him shoving the last of his clothes into the mulcher

5. He's fascinated by the details of you home security system

4. Stops every couple of minutes to smoke some clippings

3. Somehow manages to mow the hood ornament off your Lexus

2. Turns a goat loose and says he'll be back in three weeks

1. No toes

Cat Jokes 03

Q: What looks like half a cat?
A: The other half!

Q: What was the name of the film about a killer lion that swam underwater?

A: 'Claws.'
Q: If a four-legged animal is a quadruped and a two-legged animal is a biped, What's a tiger?

A: A stri-ped!

Q: What do you get if you cross a tiger with a sheep?

A: A stripey sweater!

Q: How does a lion greet the other animals in the field?

A: 'Pleased to eat you.'!

Q: What do you get if you cross a tiger with a snowman?

A: Frostbite!

Q: What did the lions say to his cubs when he taught them to hunt?

A: 'Don't go over the road till you see the zebra crossing.'
Q: What is lion's favorite food?

A: Baked beings!

And God Created Dog and Cat

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to 'Where do pets come from?'
Adam said, 'Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me every day. Now I do not see you any more. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me.'And God said 'No problem. I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself.'
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and it wagged its tail.
And Adam said, 'Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.'
And God said, 'No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him Dog.'
And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, 'Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well.'
And the Lord said, 'No problem. I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration.'
And God created Cat to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the Supreme Being. And Adam learned humility.
And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved. And Dog was happy.
And Cat didn't care one way or the other.

If you can

If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,
If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,
If you can overlook when people take things out on you, when through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

Then, you are almost as good as your dog or your cat.

Sign of the times...

A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter:

Mother: 'What does the cow say?'

Child: 'Moooo!'
Mother: 'Great! What does the cat say?'

Child: 'Meow.'
Mother: 'Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?'

And this wide-eyed little three-year-old looked up at her mother and replied, 'Bud.'

Funny Windows Messages

1.Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
2.Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
3.Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
4.Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
5.This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
6.Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"
7.This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off."
8.To "shut down" your system, type "WIN"
9.BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
10.COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.
11.File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
12.Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
13.Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
14.Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
15.WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
16.User Error: Replace user.
17.Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"
18.Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way