Cat jokes (61 to 75)

 You Are In California

You Know You're In California When...

1. The fastest part of your commute is down your driveway.
   
2. You were born somewhere else.
   
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
   
4. The primary bugs that you worry about are electronic.
   
5. Your car has bulletproof windows.
   
6. Left is right and right is wrong.
   
7. Your monthly house payments exceed your annual income.
   
8. Your mouse has only one ball.
   
9. You need a new TV, you can run down to the local riot and pick one up.
   
10. You dive under a desk whenever a large truck goes by.
    
11. You can't find your other earring because your son is wearing it.
    
12. You drive to your neighborhood block party.
    
13. Your family tree contains 'significant others'.
    
14. Your cat has it's own psychiatrist.
    
15. You don't exterminate your roaches, you smoke them.
    
16. You see 25 lawyers chasing an ambulance.
    
17. More than clothes come out of the closets.
    
18. When 'the Dead' are best live.
    
19. You go to a tanning salon before going to the beach.
    
20. Your blind date turns out to be your ex-spouse.
    
21. More money is spent on facelifts than on diapers.
    
22. Smoking in your office is not optional.
    
23. When you can't schedule a meeting because you must 'do lunch'.
    
24. Your children learn to walk in Birkenstocks.
    
25. Rainstorms or thunder are the lead story for the local news.
    
26. You'll reluctantly miss yoga class to wait for the hot tub repairman.
    
27. You consult your horoscope before planning your day.
    
28. A glass has been reserved for you at your favorite winery.
    
29. When all highways into the state say: 'no fruits'.
    
30. All highways out of the state say: 'Go back'.
    
31. You pack shorts and a T-shirt for skiing in the snow, and a sweater and a wetsuit for the beach.
    

Hear about the paleoanthropolo

Hear about the paleoanthropologist who lost his cat? He put a sign up advertising the “missing lynx.”

"Well, butter my butt and call

"Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."
"It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch."
"He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."
"Have a cup of coffee, it's already been 'saucered and blowed.'"
"She's so stuck up, she'd drown in a rainstorm."
"It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."
"My cow died last night so I don't need your bull."
"Don't pee down my back and tell me it's raining."
"He's as country as corn flakes."
"This is gooder'n grits."
"Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor."
"If things get any better, I may have to hire someone tohelp me enjoy it."

 Do This While Driving

Strange and silly things to do while driving. We do not advise doing any of the below "things to do while driving", as all driving should be taken seriously. The below "things to do while driving" are simply here for entertainment purposes.
Vary your vehicle's speed inversely with the speed limit.
Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Attempt to headbang.
At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, lock your doors.
Two words: Chicken suit.
Write the words "Help me" on your back window in red paint. The more it looks like blood, the better.
Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when driving alone.
Laugh a lot. A whole lot.
Stop at the green lights.
Go at the red ones.
Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.
Eat food that requires silverware.
Pass cars, then drive very slowly.
Sing without having the radio on.
Honk frequently without motivation.
Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an angry look and an obscene gesture.
Ask people for Grey Poupon.
Let pedestrians know who's boss.
Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.
Restart your car at every stop light.
Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror. Talk to them, stroking them lovingly.
Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their butts out the window.
While stopped at a light, piss out the window/sunroof onto other cars.
Keep at least five cats in the car.
Root (cheer, not snuffle in the mud) for firetrucks.
Stop and collect roadkill.
Throw Spam.
Get in the fast lane and gradually ... slow ... down ... to a stop. Then get out and watch the cars. Throw Spam at them.

 You Might Be A Redneck If 63

You might be a reneck if...
You just bought your family their lst Atari game system.
You and your wife celebrate your anniversay at the K-mart cafeteria.
You think the only tools "real men" need are duck tape and caulk, and you have sucessful repair projects to prove it.
You've tried to quote Jeff Foxworthy and screwed it up.
You name your car the General Lee.
You see a sign that says "bridge out" and you try to jump it.
You go to your local pet shop for a cat scan.
Warp drive describes the condition of your car.
Your smoke detector doubles as your dinner bell.
You go to the dentist for a "Tooth Cleaning".

First Aid Cat

Why did the cat want to join the Red Cross?
He wanted to be a first aid kit!

 Short Christmas Jokes

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas ?
It's Christmas, Eve !

How do you make an idiot laugh on boxing day ?
Tell him a joke on Christmas Eve !
What do you have in December that you don't have in any other month ?
The letter "D" !
What does Father Christmas suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney ?
Santa Claustrophobia !
What do you call a letter sent up the chimney on Christmas Eve ?
Black mail !
Who delievers cat's Christmas presents ?
Santa Paws !
Why does Father Christmas go down the chimney ?
Because it soots him !
Who delievers elephants's Christmas presents?
Elephanta Claus !
How many chimney does Father Christmas go down ?
Stacks !
Why is Santa like a bear on Christmas Eve ?
Because he's Sooty !

A lynch mob formed after the c

A lynch mob formed after the cat killed a mouse. They decided to round up a pussy.

 Cat Jokes 08

Q: What is the most breathless thing on television?

A: The Pink Panter Show!

Q: What do you get if you cross a leopard with a watchdog?

A: A terrified postman!

Q: When is a lion not a lion?

A: When he turns into his cage!
Q: What do cat actors say on stage?
A: Tabby or not tabby!

Q: What did the cat say when he lost all his money?
A: I'm paw!

Q: What do you call a lioin who has eaten your mother's sister?
A: An aunt-eater!

Q: What do tigers wear in bed?

A: Stripey pyjamas!

Q: Why did the cat put the letter "M" into the fridge?
A: Because it turns "ice" into "mice"!

I've never understood why wom

I've never understood why women love cats.
Cats are independent, they don't listen,they don't come in when you call, they liketo stay out all night, come home and expectto be fed and stroked, then want to be leftalone and sleep.
In other words, every qualitythat women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

 Wrong Kid Is Mowing

Signs You Hired The Wrong Kid To Mow Your Lawn

1. He shows up with a pair of nail clippers and a Ziploc bag.
   
2. On the side of his mower you notice the stenciled silhouettes of thirteen cats.
   
3. Stops frequently to nap inside the grass-catcher.
   
4. Always trying to impress you by stopping the mower blades with his head.
   
5. You notice him shoving the last of his clothes into the mulcher.
   
6. He's fascinated by the details of you home security system.
   
7. Stops every couple of minutes to smoke some clippings.
   
8. Somehow manages to mow the hood ornament off your Lexus.
   
9. Turns a goat loose and says he'll be back in three weeks.
   
10. No toes.
    

 Some Police Quotes

"The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
"Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"
"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
"Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."
"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
"Just how big were those two beers?
"In God we trust, all others are suspects."

Cat climbed in discotheque

“The cat climbed to the highest spot in the discotheque, but then couldn't get down.”

The Truth About Pets

What do you call a dog that won’t come when you call it, refuses to sleep in it’s bed, and seldom wants to play?
A cat.

 Defining These Words

For more than 30 years, New York magazine has run a contest in which contestants take a well-known foreign language expression, change a single letter, and provide a definition for the new expression. Here are some favorites.
Harlez-vous français?
CAN YOU DRIVE A FRENCH MOTOCYCLE?
Cogito Eggo Sum.
I THINK; THEREFORE I AM A WAFFLE.
Rigor morris.
THE CAT IS DEAD.
Repondez-vous s'il vous plaid.
HONK IF YOU'RE SCOTTISH.
Que sera serf.
LIFE IS FEUDAL.
Posh mortem.
DEATH STYLES OF THE RICH AND FAMOUS.
Pro Bozo publico
SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL CLOWN.
Apès Moe le deluge.
LARRY AND MOE GOT WET.
Haste cuisine.
FAST FRENCH FOOD.
Veni, vidi, vice.
I CAME, I SAW, I PARTIED.
Mazel ton.
TONS OF LUCK.
Aloha oy.
LOVE; GREETINGS; FAREWELL; FROM SUCH A PAIN YOU SHOULD NEVER KNOW.
Visa la France.
DON'T LEAVE YOUR CHATEAU WITHOUT IT.
L'état, c'est moo.
I'M BOSSY AROUND HERE.

Cogito, ergo spud.
I THINK, THEREFORE I YAM.
(OK, more than 1 letter.)
Veni, vidi, velcro
I CAME, I SAW, I STUCK AROUND.
(OK, another exception.)