Divorce jokes (136 to 150)Jokes about divorces. These are the jokes listed 136 to 150. |
Rules Of The South
1. Save all manner of bacon grease. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.2. Just because one can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can't stay home the two days of the year it snows.
3. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel-drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Note: Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way: This is what they live for.
4. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and fishing bait in the same store.
5. Remember: "Y'all" is singular.
6. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.
7. There is nothing sillier than a northerner imitating a Southern accent, unless it is a Southerner imitating a Boston accent.
8. People walk slower here.
9. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.
10. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol'", as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol' boy". Eighty-five percent begin their new southern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.
11. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
12. "He needed killin'" is a valid defense here.
13. If attending a funeral in the South: remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.
14. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.
15. Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.
16. Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.
17. The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November.
18. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the tiniest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something you're supposed to do.
19. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.
20. Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.
21. Florida is not considered a Southern state (except Gainesville). There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.
22. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.
23. You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.
Really funny jokes-Melrose Place TV series Rules
1. If your "significant other" leaves town for more than a week, sleep with whomever you want. After all, you can't be expected to wait around forever.
2. Never sleep with your boss or coworker. Just kidding. You should do both, often.
3. A good way to unwind after a hard day at the office is to build a fire, curl up with a good book, and rapidly drink seven large glasses of straight vodka.
4. Every once in a while, just go ahead and slap somebody in the face, really hard.
5. Pretend you're pregnant.
6. Feeling a little insecure? Buy a gun!
7. If marriage isn't working, consider a divorce. If divorce isn't convenient, fake your own death.
8. Don't walk too fast when feigning blindness.
9. Never base a relationship on lies and deceit. Just kidding! Dishonesty should be an integral part of any relationship.
10. When you leave someone to die of carbon monoxide poisoning, be sure to shut the door tightly on your way out.
11. Don't date drug dealers...unless they're really good-looking... or have a lot of money...or unless you can gain something from it in some way...or...oh hell, go ahead and date drug dealers.
12. Don't get too close to people in comas. Sometimes they wake up and try to choke you.
13. If you get fired, get drunk.
14. Call your ex-wife "Baby."
15. If you've got to fix your Harley, you might as well take off your shirt and do it by the pool.
16. Randomly insult the people around you.
17. Parents will be parents. Sometimes they'll nag. Sometimes they'll be judgmental. Sometimes they'll commit you to a miserable insane asylum where you'll be bound in a straightjacket and heavily sedated.
18. If you lose your job, wait a few minutes and you'll get an even better job at twice the salary.
19. A good way to aggravate your sister is to tell her that Mom liked you best. Another good way is to sleep with her husband a bunch of times.
20. Just because you're in the midst of ruining someone's career doesn't mean that you can't carpool to work with them.
Horse country
A man took a trip out West after a harrowing divorce proceeding.He stopped in a bar, and after a few drinks, stated to no one in particular, "Lawyers are horses' asses."
One of the locals spoke up on hearing this said, "Mister, you'd better watch what you say. You're in horse country."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Grounds for divorce...
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is 'yes'."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."
Mickey & Minnie Splitting Up
Mickey Mouse is in the process of divorcing Minnie Mouse.
As they sit in the courtroom, the judge says to Mickey, "Mr. Mouse, you claim the reason for your divorce is primarily based on the fact that your wife is crazy?"
Mickey responds, "No, I didn't say she was crazy, I said she was fucking Goofy!"
Really funny jokes-Divorce is easy
Jack : It's even easier in the US. All a man has to say is "Yeah, that dress makes your butt look fat" once.
Really funny jokes-Divorce is easy
Jack: It's even easier in the US. All a man has to say is "Yeah, that dress makes your butt look fat" once.
Maiden Name
Once my divorce was final, I went to the local Department of Motor Vehicles and asked to have my maiden name reinstated on my driver's license.“Will there be any change of address?” the clerk inquired.
“No,” I replied.
“Oh, good,” she said, clearly delighted. “You got the house.”
At a divorce court, a family o...
At a divorce court, a family of bears is waiting for the judge to grant custody of little bear.The judge asks the baby bear; Do you want to live with papa bear?
The baby bear replied, "No he beats me. "
The judge asked, "so do you want to live with mommy bear?"
The baby bear said, "No she beats me too."
The judge asked, "Then whom do you want to live with?"
The baby bear says, "The Chicago bears, they don't beat anyone!"
Advice to Northerners Moving S...
Advice to Northerners Moving South...1.) Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed on how to use it shortly.
2.) If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or her) as "Bubba". You have a 75% chance of being right.
3.) Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean Southerners can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
4.) If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel drive pick-up with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them-Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
5.) Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
6.) Whatever you do, make sure that you don't buy food at the movie store!
7.) You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.
8.) Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.
9.) In southern churches you will hear the hymn, "All Glory, Laud and Honor". You will also here expressions such as, "Laud, have Mercy", "Good Laud", and "Laudy, Laudy, Laudy".
10.) Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"
11.) In an effort to match their speech pattern, Southerners also walk slower.
12.) Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.
13.) The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol'", as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol' boy". Most Northerners begin their new southern influenced dialect with this expression.
14.) The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
15.) As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55-mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember all southern folks learned to drive on a John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle.
16.) If attending a funeral in the South, remember we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on, the tent is torn down and the empties are picked up.
17.) If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words either that he will ever say or, worse still, that you will ever hear!
18.) Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.
19.) If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.
20.) The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until December.
21.) If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something you're supposed to do.
22.) Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one, it is to be positioned directly in front of your house. This is logical bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the house and should, therefore, be prominently displayed.
23.) In the South, tornadoes and divorces have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.
24.) Florida is not considered a southern state since there are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.
25.) Be advised that in the South: "He needed killin'" is a valid defense.
Hilarious jokes-Grounds for Divorce
"What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please. . ." he tried again,"is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He says he can't communicate with me !!"
10 Commandments of Marriage
Commandment 1.Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.
Commandment 2.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Commandment 3.
Marriage is grand — and divorce is at least 100 grand!
Commandment 4.
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
Commandment 5.
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.
Commandment 6.
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
Commandment 7.
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish talking.
Commandment 8.
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.
Commandment 9.
Every woman wants a man who is handsome, understanding, economical and a considerate lover, but again, the law allows only one husband.
Commandment 10.
Man is incomplete until he marries. After that, he is finished.
Questions for Mommy...
A little girl and her mother were out and about. The girl, out of the blue, asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?" The mother responded,"Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older."
The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?" Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up."
The girl, still wanting to know about her mother, fires off another question, "Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?" The mother, a little annoyed by the line of questioning, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."
The little girl, frustrated, sulks until she is dropped off at a friend's house to play. She consults with her girlfriend about the conversation she had with her mother. The girlfriend says, "All you have to do is sneak and look at your mother's driver's license. It's just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything.
Later, the little girl and her mother are out and about again. The little girl starts off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I know how old you are. You're 32 years old."
The mother is very shocked. She asks, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?"
The little girl shrugs and says, I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds."
"Where did you learn that?"
The little girl says, "I just know. And I know why you and daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex."
