Doctor jokes - jokes about doctors (1606 to 1620)

Colonoscopies

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
r> 1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'
r> 2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
r> 3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
r> 4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
r> 5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'
r> 6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
r> 7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
r> 8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
r> 9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'
r> 10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
r> 11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
r> 12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay..'
r> And the best one of all:
r> 13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'
r>

A Mental Hospital

After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the hospital director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office.
"Mr. Haroldson, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck."
"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. Haroldson replied. "I hung him up to dry."

Rose accompanied her husband T...

Rose accompanied her husband Tom to his annual checkup. While Tom was getting dressed, the doctor came out and said to Rose, “I don’t like the way he looks.” “Neither do I,” she said. “But he’s handy around the house.”

The psychiatrist was not expec...

The psychiatrist was not expecting the distraught stranger who staggered into his office and slumped into a chair. "You've got to help me. I'm losing my memory, Doctor," he sobbed. "I once had a successful business, a wife, home and family; I was a respected member of the community. But all that's gone now. Since my memory began failing, I've lost the business - I couldn't remember my clients' names. My wife and children have left me, too; and why shouldn't they - some nights I wouldn't get home until four or five in the morning. I'd forget where I lived...And it's getting worse. Doctor - it's getting worse!"

"This is not an unusual form of neurosis," the psychiatrist said soothingly. "Now tell me, just how long ago did you first become aware of this condition?"

"Condition?" The man sat up in his chair. "What condition?"

Out of the Mouths of Babes...

An old doctor went way out to the boon-docks to deliver a baby. It was so far out that there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5 year old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so, the mother pushed, and after a little while, the doctor lifted the new born baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.

"Hit him again," the child said.

"He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!!!"

A doctor broke the bad news to...

A doctor broke the bad news to a man, that his wife would have to be admitted to a psychiatric hospital. “I’m afraid her mind’s completely gone,” he said. “Makes sense,” mumbled the man. “She’s been giving me a piece of it every day for the last 15 years.”

Broken Lawnmower

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of - first, the truck, the car, playing golf ' Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.'
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

An apple a day....

While visiting a friend who was in the hospital, I noticed several pretty nurses, each of whom was wearing a pin designed to look like an apple. I asked one nurse what the pin signified. "Nothing," she said with a smile. "It's just to keep the doctors away."

Scared Sleeping

Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. "you gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"
"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"A hundred dollars per visit."
"I'll sleep on it," said Shakey.
Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. "Why didn't you ever
come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.
"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."
"Is that so! How?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

Medical One-liners

Anatomy - something that everybody has but somehow looks

better on a girl

Bachelor - a fellow that can take women or leave them, and

prefers to do both.

Mistress - something between a mister and a mattress

Passion - a feeling you feel when you feel you are going to

feel a feeling you have never felt before

Psychologist - a man who watches everybody else when a

pretty girl enters the room

Neurotic - a woman who likes a psychiatrist's couch better

than a double bed

Hypochondriac - a person wants to have her ache and treat it

too

Book - The Physiology of Puberty, by I.C. Morhair

Gynaecologist - a man who works and operates in another

man's field

Gynaecologist - at your cervix, madam.

Patient - I'm dilated to meet you.

After having their 11th child,...

After having their 11th child, an Arkansas couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So, the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem, but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Arkansas), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Arkansan said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:

1, 2, 3, 4, 5

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Mississippi and Alabama.

Easy diagnosis....

A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.

"What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.

The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."

Two kids were deciding what ga...

Two kids were deciding what game to play. One said, “Let’s play doctor.”
“Good idea,” said the other. “You operate, and I’ll sue.”

My wife is pregnant #joke #humor

A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her *husband*!"

Kim Jong-il was a big fan of <...

Kim Jong-il was a big fan of Nuke Kids on the Bloc, and always warheads Nuke Kids tee-shirt, while listening in his bunker bed at night.  He loved hanging out with his cruise, which included George Bush, whom he called Doctor Death aka ‘Dubya, MD'. He went to the UN wearing a lot of  ‘Blix-blix‘ and said ‘Put your Hans in the air like you just don't care'. He was there all night and El-Baradei. His actions, though far from disarming, definitely enriched heavy metal.