Doctor jokes - jokes about doctors (1981 to 1995)

Patient: This hospital is terr...

Patient: This hospital is terrible! You treat us like dogs around here! Nurse: Sir, you are being absurd! Now roll over.

Second opinion

A man went to the doctor for his first prostate exam, and asked the doctor how the procedure is performed.

The doctor replied while putting on his glove and some K-Y jelly around his forefinger, "I insert this finger into your rectum and look for lumps and what not."

"You're going to stick that finger up my ass?" the patient asked.

"Yes." The doctor said.

"While you're at it, I want you to stick two fingers up my ass."

"Why?" asked the doctor

The patient replied, "I want a second opinion."

Submitted by calamjo

Edited by Glaci and Curtis

Little David was in his 5th gr...

Little David was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up- fireman, policeman, salesman, doctor, lawyer...

David was being uncharacteristically quiet, so the teacher asked him about his father. "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go home with some guy and make love with him for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little David aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"

"No," said David, "he works for the Bush administration, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."

The Injured Thumb

A man went into a restaurant and ordered his meal. When the waitress came out with his soup, he noticed that she had her thumb stuck into it. This upset him, but he let it go. She then brought out his chili, and again her thumb was in the food. He let it go again. When she brought out his hot fudge sundae, her thumb was in the fudge and this was too much for him.

"Goddammit," said the man, "get your damn thumb out of my food!'

"Well, I injured it a while ago and the doctor said I should keep it warm."

"Why don't you just shove it up your ass?" the man said angrily.

"That's what I do when I'm in the kitchen."

The Pope had become very ill a...

The Pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors, all of whom could not figure out how to cure him. Finally he was brought to an old physician, who stated that he could figure it out. After about an hour's examination he came out and told the cardinals that he knew what was wrong. He said that the bad news was that it was a rare disorder of the testicles. He said that the good news was that all the Pope had to do to be cured was to have sex. Well, this was not good news to the cardinals, who argued about it at length. Finally they went to the Pope with the doctor and explained the situation.

After some thought, the Pope stated, "I agree, but under four conditions." The cardinals were amazed, and there was quite an uproar. Suddenly a single voice was heard over the top of the noise: "And what are the four conditions?"

The room stilled. There was a long pause. The Pope replied, "First the girl must be blind, so that she cannot see with whom she is having sex. Second, she must be deaf, so that she cannot hear with whom she is having sex. And third she must be dumb so that if somehow she figures out with who she is having sex, she can tell no one."

After another long pause another voice asked, "And the fourth condition?"

The Pope replied, "Big tits."

A man goes into his doctor's s...

A man goes into his doctor's surgery and says "Doctor, can you give me something for persistent wind?" The doctor thinks for a moment then replies, "Yes, go and buy a kite."

A man goes into his doctor's s...

A man goes into his doctor's surgery and says "Doctor, can you give me something for persistent wind?" The doctor thinks for a moment then replies, "Yes, go and buy a kite."

Medical Terminology

Artery -- Study of paintings

Bacteria -- Back door of cafeteria

Barium -- What doctors do when treatment fails

Bowel -- Letter like A.E.I.O.U

Caesarean section -- District in Rome

Cat scan -- Searching for kitty

Cauterize -- Made eye contact with her

Colic -- Sheep dog

Coma -- A punctuation mark

Congenital -- Friendly

D&C -- Where Washington is

Diarrhea -- Journal of daily events

Dilate -- To live long

Enema -- Not a friend

Fester -- Quicker

Fibula -- A small lie

G.I. Series -- Soldiers' ball game

Grippe -- Suitcase

Hangnail -- Coathook

Impotent -- Distinguished, well known

Intense pain -- Torture in a teepee

Labor pain -- Got hurt at work

Medical staff -- Doctor's cane

Morbid -- Higher offer

Nitrate -- Cheaper than day rate

Node -- Was aware of

Outpatient -- Person who had fainted

Pelvis -- Cousin of Elvis

Post operative -- Letter carrier

Protein -- Favoring young people

Rectum -- It almost killed him

Recovery room -- Place to do upholstery

Rheumatic -- Amorous

Scar -- Rolled tobacco leaf

Secretion -- Hiding anything

Seizure -- Roman emperor

Serology -- Study of knighthood

Tablet -- Small table

Terminal illness -- Sickness at airport

Tibia -- Country in North Africa

Tumor -- An extra pair

Urine -- Opposite of you're out

Varicose -- Located nearby

Vein -- Conceited

The Burned Ears

A guy burned both of his ears... so they were asking him at the hospital how it happened.
He said, ''I was ironing my clothing and the phone rang... So, instead of the phone I picked up the iron and burned my ear...''
''But how the heck did you burn the other ear?'' The doctor asked.
''They called back.''

Good news and bad news...

A doctor enters into a patient's room and informs the patient that he has good news and bad news. He then asks the patient which news he would like to hear.

The patient responds, "Doctor, give me the good news."

The doctor says, "Well we are gonna name a disease after you."

Ever wonder WHY … Ever wonder WHY …

• the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
• women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
• don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
• is "abbreviated" such a long word?
• is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
• is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
• is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
• is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
• is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
• isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
• When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
• didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
• do they sterilize the needle for lethal inje
• they don't make the whole plane out of the stuff that is used to make that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes?
• don't sheep shrink when it rains?
• are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
• they call the airport the terminal?
• If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

#joke #doctor #animal #cat #dog #mouse #sheep #fruit #lemon #food #drinks #juice

A young woman walks into a doc...

A young woman walks into a doctor's office complaining about a rash on her chest. Upon examination, the doctor discovers the rash is in the shape of a 'Y'. The doctor asks the woman if she can think of anything which might explain it.

"Well," the woman replies, "it could be my boyfriend. You see, he goes to Yale and when we have sex he insists on wearing his letter sweater."

The doctor tells the woman to make her boyfriend take off the sweater before they have sex. Later that same day another woman comes in with a rash on her chest, this one in the shape of an 'H'.

When questioned, the woman explains that her boyfriend goes to Harvard and insists on wearing his letter sweater when they have sex. The doctor gives the second woman the same advice as the first and sends he on her way. Later yet another woman comes into the office with a rash in the shape of an 'M'.

Before the woman can explain, the doctor exclaims, "I bet your boyfriend goes to Michigan!"

A smile breaks across the woman's face as she exclaims, "No! My girlfriend goes to Wesleyan!"

Deaf

A man goes to his doctor and says, "I don't think my wife's hearing is as good as it used to be, what should I do?"

The doctor replies, "Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn't respond keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you."

The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says, "What's for dinner, honey?"

He gets no response, so he moves to ten feet behind her and asks again.

Still no response, so he moves to five feet. No answer. Finally he stands directly behind her and says, "Honey, what's for supper?"

She replies, "For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN, you deaf idiot!"

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?"
The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else killed that rabbit."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?"
The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else killed that rabbit."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."