Doctor jokes - jokes about doctors (436 to 450)

Life's questions...

After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?

How can there be self-help groups?

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide and seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do 'practice'?

When sign-makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?

When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?

Where do forest rangers go to 'get away from it all'?

Why isn't there a mouse-flavored cat food?

Or cat-flavored dog food?

Why do they report power outages on TV?

Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?

Doctor: "Is your cough better

Doctor: "Is your cough better this morning?"
Patient: "Yes. I've been practicing all night."

A man went to the doctor's. T

A man went to the doctor's. The doctor asked what the problem was.
"Well," said the man, "My wife and I aren't getting as much out of sex as we used to, doctor."
"How old are you, Mr Jones?" asked the doctor.
"I'm 87, doctor."
"And how old is your wife, Mr Jones?"
"She's 79, doctor."
"Just a minute," said the doctor, "You are 87 and your wife is 79 and you don't think you are getting as much out of sex as you used to?"
"That's right, doctor."
"When did you discover this?"
"Twice last night and once this morning!"

Cured!

Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under ... you gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"

"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"A hundred dollars per visit."

"I'll sleep on it," said Shakey.

Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street.

"Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.

"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."

"Is that so! How?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

A Royal Pain in the ...

A big-shot businessman had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees.

None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him.

She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

"No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I cannot use an oral thermometer."

This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his rear end. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back."

She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing.

After almost an hour, the man's doctor came into the room.

"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc?" Haven't you ever seen someone having his temperature taken before?"

After a pause, the doctor confessed with a suppressed laugh in his voice, "Well, no, I guess I haven't. Not with a carnation, anyway!"

Doctor and patient...

Just as a surgeon was finishing up an operation and was about to close, the patient awakes, sits up, and demands to know what is going on.

"I'm about to close," the surgeon says.

The patient grabs the surgeon's hand and says, "I'm not going to let you do that! I'll close my own incision!"

The doctor hands him the needle and thread and says, "Suture self."

There was a pretty nurse named

There was a pretty nurse named Carol who broke her engagement to a doctor. She was explaining everything to a friend.
"Do you mean to say," exclaimed Cindy, "that the bum asked you to give back the ring AND all his presents?"
"Not only that," said Carol, "he sent me a bill for 37 visits."

10 Reasons Why God Created Eve...

10. God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because he knew men would never ask directions.

9. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote because men don't want to see what's on television, they want to see WHAT ELSE is on television.

8. God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when the seat wore out and therefore would need Eve to get one for him.

7. God knew that Adam would never make a doctors appointment for himself.

6. God knew that Adam would never remember which night was garbage night.

5. God knew that if the world was to be populated there would have to be someone to bear children, because men would never be able to handle it.

4. As 'Keeper of the Garden' Adam would never remember where he put his tools.

3. The scripture account of creation indicates that Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.

2. As the Bible says, 'It is not good for man to be alone.' He only ends up getting himself in trouble.

AND the #1 REASON WHY GOD CREATED EVE is ...

When God had finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head and said, 'I KNOW I can do better than THIS!!'

 Oregon Crazy Law

Canned corn is not to be used as bait for fishing.

Ice cream may not be eaten on Sundays.

Dishes must drip dry.

It is illegal to buy or sell marijuana, but it is legal to smoke it on your own property.

You may not pump your own gas in service stations.

The "Peer Review Statute" prohibits you from finding out details of any written or oral discussion about your medical treatment. Not even a court of law can. All you can access is what the doctor or nurse voluntarily records in your chart.

One may not bathe without wearing "suitable clothing," i.e.,that which covers one's body from neck to knee.

Beaverton

You must buy a $10 permit to be allowed to install a burglar alarm.

Eugene

It is legal to conduct a horse race or a symphony concert.

It is illegal to show movies or attend a car race on Sundays. (Repealed in the 1970s)

Hood River

Juggling is strictly prohibited without a license.

Klamath Falls

It's illegal to walk down a sidewalk and knock a snakes head off with your cane.

Portland

People may not whistle underwater.

It's against the law for a wedding ceremony to be performed at a skating rink. (Repealed in 1989)

You cannot wear roller skates in restrooms.

Marion

Ministers are forbidden from eating garlic or onions before delivering a sermon.

Myrtle Creek

One may not box with a kangaroo.

Salem

Women may not wrestle in Salem.

Springfield

It is illegal to own a reptile within the city limits, unless you are a school or city, as a pet.

Stanfield

No more than two people may share a single drink.

Cloth towel dispensers are banned from restrooms.

#joke #doctor #animal #horse #snake #kangaroo #pet #food #onion #garlic #eating #sport #fishing #wedding

The Chinese Doctor & The Lawyer

A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside
'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'
An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: 'I have lost my sense of taste.'
Chinese: 'Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth.'
Lawyer: 'Ugh. this is kerosene.'
Chinese: 'Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20.'
The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.
Lawyer: 'I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything.'
Chinese: 'Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth.'
Lawyer (annoyed): 'This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste.'
Chinese: 'Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20.'
The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.
Lawyer: 'My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all.'
Chinese: 'Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100.'
Lawyer (staring at the note): 'But this is $20, not $100!!'
Chinese: 'Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20'

 

The Doctor said...

The Doctor said: "The good news is I can cure your headaches...The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was headache free for the first time in over 20 years, but he felt as if he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street he realized he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need, a new suit."

The elderly salesman eyed him quickly and said, "Let's see, you're a size 44 long."

Joe laughed and said, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the tailor asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

"Let's see, 16 and a half neck, 34 sleeve."

Joe was surprised. "How did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years." The shirt fit perfectly.

As Joe looked at himself in the mirror, the salesman said, "You could use new shoes."

Since Joe was on a roll, he said, "Sure."

The man eyed Joe's feet and said, "9-1/2E."

Joe was astonished. "That's right. How did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years." Joe tried on the shoes and they also fit perfectly.

As Joe walked comfortably around the shop, the salesman asked, "How about new underwear?"

Joe thought for a second and said, "Why not."

The man stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see, size 36."

Joe laughed. "Finally I've got you! I've worn size 32 since I was 18 years old."

The tailor shook his head. "You can't wear a size 32. Size 32 underwear would press your testicles against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

Shingles...

A guy walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. He said, "shingles." So she took down his name, address, and medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked him what he had. He said, "shingles." So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room.

A half-hour later, a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said, "shingles." She gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said, "shingles." The doctor said, "Where?" He said, "Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"

Life choices...

An older man was married to a younger woman. After several years of a very happy marriage, he had a heart attack. The doctor advised him that in order to prolong his life, they should cut out sex.

He and his wife discussed the matter and decided that he should sleep in the family room downstairs to save them both from temptation.

One night, after several weeks of this, he decided that life without sex wasn't worth living. So he headed upstairs. He met his wife on the staircase and said, "I was coming to die."

She laughed and replied, "I was just coming down to kill you!"

A hillbilly was making his fir

A hillbilly was making his first visit to a hospital where his teenage son was about to have an operation.
Watching the doctor's every move, he asked, "What's that?"
The doctor explained, "This is an anesthetic. After he gets this he won't know a thing."
"Save your time, Doc," exclaimed the man. "He don't know nothing now."

Outdoorsy Man

During his physical, the doctor asked the patient about his daily activity level

He described a typical day this way: 'Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand and took four leaks behind big trees.' Inspired by the story, the doctor said, 'You must be one hell of an outdoors man!' 'NAH,' he replied, 'I'm just a shitty golfer.'