Doctor jokes - jokes about doctors (661 to 675)

Easy diagnosis....

A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.

"What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.

The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."

The young woman really thought

The young woman really thought she'd been very patient, through a protracted period of dating with no talk of marriage.
One night her steady boyfriend took her to a Chinese restaurant. As he perused the menu, he casually asked her, "So... how do you like your rice? Boiled? Steamed? Or fried?"
Without missing a beat, she looked over her menu at him and replied clearly, "Thrown."

A man walked into the office o

A man walked into the office of an eminent psychiatrist and sat down to explain his problem.
"Doctor, doctor! I've got this problem," the man said. "I keep hallucinating that I'm a dog. It's crazy. I don't know what to do!"
"A common canine complex," said the doctor soothingly. "Relax. Come here and lie down on the couch."
"Oh no, Doctor," the man said nervously, "I'm not allowed up on the furniture."

Proctology guideliness

Proctology guideliness are too doctor-anal. They could benefit from a bottoms-up approach.

A doctor just finishes his che

A doctor just finishes his check-up with a man.
Dr: I've got good new and bad news. Which do you want to hear first?
Patient: I guess the bad news.
Dr: Well, you only have about 3 months to live and there's nothing else we can do. I'm sorry.
Patient: (starts crying)
Dr: Now, now... I know you're upset... but remember, I also said there was good news.
Patient: Yes, I need some good news... what is it?
Dr: Well, you know my nurse, Donna.
Patient: (cheering up) Yes?
Dr: You know, the one with the big breasts?
Patient: (more excited) Yes, yes...
Dr: You know the one that's always flirting with you every time you come in for a checkup?
Patient: (very excited) Yes, yes - what about her?
Dr: I finally had sex with her last night.

An elderly married couple...

An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examination the same day so they could travel together. After the husband's examination, the doctor then said to him, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like discuss with me?"

"In fact, I do," said the man. "After I have sex with my wife for the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."

"This is very interesting," replied the doctor. "Let me do some research and get back to you."

After examining the elderly wife, the doctor said to her, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

The lady replied that she had no questions nor concerns. The doctor then asked, "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"

"Oh that old buzzard!" she replied.

"That's because the first time is usually in July and the second time is usually in December!"

The children had all been phot...

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he'sa doctor.'"
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher; ...she's dead."

Jon's working at the lumberya

Jon's working at the lumberyard, pushing a tree through the buzz saw, and accidentally shears off all ten of his fingers. He goes to the emergency room.
The doctor says, "Yuck! Well, give me the fingers, and I'll see what I can do."
Jon says, "I haven't got the fingers."
The doctor says, "What do you mean, you haven't got the fingers? It's 2015. We've got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put them back on and made you like new. Why didn't you bring the fingers?"
Jon says, "Well, sh*t, Doc, I couldn't pick 'em up."

A doctor remarked on his patie...

A doctor remarked on his patients, ruddy, very red complexion.
"I know," said the patient, "it's from high blood pressure and it's from my family."
"Your mothers side or fathers side?" questioned the doctor.
"Neither, my wife's side."
"What do you mean?" the doctor said, "That cannot be. How can you get it from your wife's family?"
"Oh yeah, definitely," the patient responded, "you should meet them sometime!"

My husband wants me to ask you....

Brenda, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her obstetrician's office. When the exam was over, she shyly began, "My husband wants me to ask you..."

"I know, I know." the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder, "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy."

"No, that's not it at all." Brenda confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."

I believe I'm a woman

MAN TO PSYCHIATRIST: "You have to help me, Doctor. I'm starting to believe I'm a woman."

PSYCHIATRIST "Why do you think that?"

MAN: "It was something my gynecologist said to me the other day."

True Medical Stories

True Medical Stories (??)

A man come into the ER yelling, "My wife's going to have her

baby in the cab!" The ER physician grabs his stuff, rushes

out to the cab, lifts the lady's dress, and just finishes

jerking off her underwear when he suddenly discovers that

there are several cabs lined up, and it's obvious that he's

in the wrong one.

A nurse at the beginning of the shift places her

stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female

patient's chest wall. "Big breaths," instructed the nurse.

"Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient.

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news and I told a wife

that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.

Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to

the rest of the family that he died from a "massive internal

fart."

I was performing a complete physical, including the visual

acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart

and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read

the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless

read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He

couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and

discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was

standing there with both his eyes covered. I was

laughing too hard to finish the exam.

A nurses' aide was helping a patient into the bathroom when

the patient exclaimed, "You're not coming in here with me.

This is only a one-seater!"

During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his

cardiologist, he informed his doctor that he was having

trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?", asked the

doctor "The patch," he replied, "the nurse told me to put on

a new one every six hours and I've run out of places to put

it!" The doctor had him quickly undress and discovered what

he hoped he wouldn't see . . . Yes, the man had over fifty

patches on

his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old

patch before applying a new one.

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I

asked, "How long since you have been bedridden?" After a

look of complete confusion she answered, "Why, not for about

twenty years . . . when my husband was still alive."

A nurse caring for a woman from Kentucky asked, "So how's

your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for

the Kentucky Jelly. I can't get used to the taste," the

patient replied. The nurse asked to see the jelly and the

woman produced a foil packet plainly labeled "KY Jelly."

Sister, Got Milk?

There once was a 94-year-old nun in the 1890's whose worn-out body began to surrender. Her doctor prescribed for her a shot of whiskey three times a day, to relax her.
However, not to be lured into worldly pleasures, she huffily declined. But her mother superior knew the elderly sister loved milk. So she instructed the kitchen to spike the milk three times a day. Eventually, the elderly pious one approached her final hour. As several sisters gathered around her at bedside, the mother superior asked if she wanted to leave them any words of wisdom.
"Oh, yes," she replied. "Never sell that cow!"

An elderly man goes into his d

An elderly man goes into his doctors office for an annual physical. After a while, the doctor comes out and says, "I'm sorry Bill, but we have discovered you have a condition which only allows you another 6 weeks to live."
"But Doctor," Bill replied, "I feel great. I haven't felt better in years. This just can't be true. Isn't there anything I can do?"
After a moment the doctor said, "Well, you might start going down the street to that new health spa and take a mud bath every day."
Excitedly Bill asked, "And that will cure me?"
"No," replied the doctor, "but it will get you used to the dirt."

Helping A Blond Lose Weight

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."
When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" said the doctor.
"No, from skipping," replied the blonde.