Dog jokes (226 to 240)Jokes about dogs. These are the jokes listed 226 to 240. |
Question And Answer Animal Jokes
Q: Diner: I can't eat this chicken. Call the manager.
A: Waiter: It's no use. He can't eat it either.
Q: Which side of a chicken has the most feathers?
A: The outside.
Q: What do you get when you cross a parrot with a centipede?
A: A walkie-talkie, of course.
Q: Have you heard of that disease that you get from kissing birds?
A: Chirpes. It's one of those canarial diseases. I hear it's untweetable.
Q: Why don't they play poker in the jungle?
A: Too many cheetahs.
Q: What is the difference between a cat and a comma?
A: One has the paws before the claws and the other has the clause before the pause.
Q: Where do dogs go when they lose their tails?
A: To the retail store.
Q: What kind of dog tells time?
A: A watch dog.
1. Now that food has replaced
1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.
4. I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.
5. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
6. I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.
7. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
9. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.
10. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's.
11. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
12. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.
13. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
14. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
15. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
16. Why is it that most n*dists are people you don't want to see naked?
17. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
18. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"
19. A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn..that was fun!
Ed and Ted met for the first t...
Ed and Ted met for the first time in twenty years. "So, how's life been for you?" Ed asked. "Not too good," Ted replied. "My first wife died of cancer, my second wife turned out to be a lesbian and ran off with another woman and took all our savings, my son's in prison for trying to kill me, my daughter got run over by a bus, my house was hit by a low-flying aircraft, my vintage car rolled off the dockside into the sea, I had to have my dog put down recently, my doctor says that I have an incurable disease and to cap it all my business has just gone bust."
"Oh dear, that sounds terrible." Ed said. "What business were you in?"
"I sell lucky charms," said Ted.
If you want...
If you want someone who will bring you the paper without first tearing it apart to remove the sports section Buy a dog.
If you want someone willing to make a fool of himself simply over the joy of seeing you
Buy a dog.
If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him and never says its not quite as good as his mother made it
Buy a dog
If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour, for as long and wherever you want
Buy a dog.
If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn't care about football, and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies
Buy a dog.
If you want someone who is content to get up on your bed just to warm your feet and whom you can push off if he snores
Buy a dog.
If you want someone who never criticises what you do, doesn't care if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin , young or old, who acts as if every word you say is especially worthy of listening to, and loves you unconditionally, perpetually
Buy a dog.
But, on the other hand, If you want someone who will never come when you call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair all over the place, walks all over you, runs around all night and only comes home to eat and sleep, and acts as if your entire existence is solely to ensure his happiness...
Then.................
Buy a cat...
Dog Jokes 05
Q: Why do you need a licence for a dog and not for a cat?
A: Cats can't drive!
Q: What do you call a dog in the middle of a muddy road?
A: A mutt in a rut!
Q: What do you get if you cross a dog with a blind mole?
A: A dog that keeps barking up the wrong tree!
Q: What do you call a happy Lassie?
A: A jolly collie!
Q: What do you call a nutty dog in Australia?
A: A dingo-ling!
Q: What dog loves to take bubble baths?
A: A shampoodle!
Q: How do you catch a runaway dog?
A: Hide behind a tree and make a noise like a bone!
Q: What dogs are best for sending telegrams?
A: Wire haired terriers!!
Q: What kind of dog does a vampire prefer?
A: Any kind of bloodhound!
Q: What kind of dog sniffs out new flowers?
A: A bud hound!
A fire fighter is working on t
A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little boy next door in a little red wagon with a tiny ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The boy is wearing a fire fighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat. The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration."Thanks," says the little boy. As the fire fighter looks a little closer, he notices the boy has tied the wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
"Little partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."
The little boy says, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
Life's questions...
After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?How can there be self-help groups?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide and seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do 'practice'?
When sign-makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
Where do forest rangers go to 'get away from it all'?
Why isn't there a mouse-flavored cat food?
Or cat-flavored dog food?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?
Harry did like he always did e
Harry did like he always did every evening. He kissed his wife, crawled into bed and went to sleep. All of a sudden, he woke up and saw an elderly man dressed in a robe standing in front of his bed."What are you doing in my bedroom? Who are you?" he asked.
"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven."
"WHAT!?? Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die... I'm too young." said Harry. "If I'm dead, I want you to send me back immediately."
"It's not that easy", said St. Peter, "you can only return as a dog or a hen. You'll have to choose on your own..."
Harry thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring and that a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad, he thought.
"I want to return as a hen." Harry replied. And in the next second, he found himself on a chicken farm and nicely feathered. But now "he" felt like his rear end was gonna blow. Then along came the rooster!
"Hey, you must be the new hen on the farm." he said. "How does it feel being a hen?"
"Well, it's OK I guess, but I feel like my rear end is blowing up."
"Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on. Have you never laid an egg before??"
"No, how do I do that?" Harry asked.
"Cluck twice, and then you push all you can," said the rooster.
Harry clucked twice, and pushed with all his might and then 'Plop' and a egg was on the ground.
"Wow," Harry said, "that feels much better!" So he clucked again and squeezed. And sure enough there was yet another egg on the ground.
The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout, "Harry! Wake up. You're pooping all over the bed!"
Lets face it, there are a lot
Lets face it, there are a lot of dumb people out there. Sometimes you want to express how stupid they really are and here's how...An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
As smart as bait.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair.
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
Forgot to pay his brain bill.
His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
Receiver is off the hook.
Surfing in Nebraska.
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
A few beers short of a six-pack.
A few peas short of a casserole.
The cheese slid off his cracker.
Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
Couldn't pour **** out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
Not the brightest light bulb.
Not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Not playing with all 52 cards.
A few sandwiches short of a picnic.
A few feathers short of a full pillow.
Somewhere, a village is missing its idiot.
A few links short in a chain.
A door without a handle.
A few bits short of a byte.
Into the Olympics...
Three guys are trying to sneak into the Olympic Village in Atlanta to scoop souvenirs and autographs. The first says, "Let's watch the registration table to see if there's a crack in the security system that we can utilize to scam our way in."
Immediately, a burly athlete walks up to the table and states, "Angus MacPherson. Scotland. Shotput." He opens his gym bag to display a shotput to the registration attendant.
The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. MacPherson. Here is you packet of registration materials, complete with hotel keys, passes to all Olympic events, meal tickets, and other information."
HOT DOG! The first guy grabs a small tree sapling, strips off the limbs and roots, walks up the registration table and states: "Chuck Wagon. Canada. Javelin."
The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. Wagon. Here is you packet of registration materials, hotel keys, passes, meal tickets, and so forth. Good luck!"
The second guy grabs a street utility manhole cover, walks up the registration table and states: "Dusty Rhodes. Australia. Discus."
The attendant says, "Terrific, Mr. Rhodes. Here is you packet of registration materials, hotel keys, a full set of passes, and meal tickets. Enjoy yourself."
They scamper in, but suddenly realize the third guy is missing. They groan - OH NO. He is not to bright. They forgot to make sure he doesn't do something stupid and blow their cover stories.
They spot him walking with a roll of barbed wire under his arm. He walks up the registration table and states: "Foster Bean. USA. Fencing."
During the local match, a spec
During the local match, a spectator was surprised to see a dog walk onto the pitch and start pitching, eventually striking out the other all star team, and scoring two home runs."That's incredible!" he exclaimed to the man next to him.
"Yes," he said, "but he's a terrible disappointment to his parents. They wanted him to be a footballer."
My Dog Did It Eat It
'Johnny, where's your homework?' Miss Martin said sternly to the little boy, while holding out her hand.
'My dog ate it,' was his solemn response.
'Johnny, I have been a teacher for eighteen years. Do you really expect me to believe that?'
'It's true, Miss Martin, I swear,' insisted Johnny. 'I had to force him, but he ate it!'
