Dog jokes (331 to 345)

Cross-eyed dog

A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"

"Well," said the vet, "lets have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and has a good look at its eyes.

"Hmm," says the vet, "I'm going to have to put him down"

"Just because he's cross-eyed?" says the man.

"No, because he's heavy," says the vet.

Your house plants are alive, a

Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
You watch the Weather Channel.
Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
You're the one calling the police because those damn kids nextdoor won't turn down the stereo.
Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.
You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.
Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.
Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset,rather than settle, your stomach.
You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condomsand pregnancy tests.
A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
"I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm nevergoing to drink that much again."
90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for realwork.
You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you!!!

 Know Because Of TV

Things You Wouldn't Know Without The Tube All Of Life's Mysteries Are On TV

1. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear.
   
2. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
   
3. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.
   
4. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
   
5. It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
   
6. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
   
7. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.
   
8. You're likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of you sweetheart back home.
   
9. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
   
10. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.
    
11. People of TV never finish their drinks.
    
12. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
    
13. The chief of police is always black.
    
14. When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
    
15. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15cm.
    
16. Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
    
17. During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
    
18. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them.
    
19. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.
    
20. Wearing a singlet or stripping to the waist can make a man invulnerable to bullets.
    
21. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.
    
22. If a killer is lurking in your house, it's easy to find him. Just relax and run a bath - even if it's the middle of the afternoon.
    
23. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
    
24. Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.
    
25. All single women have a cat.
    
26. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
    
27. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
    
28. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.
    
29. Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.
    
30. If a phone line is broken, communication can be restored by frantically beating the cradle and saying, "Hello?, Hello?"
    
31. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.
    
32. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involved martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor.
    
33. During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back.
    
34. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
    
35. Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them.
    
36. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
    
37. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
    
38. Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste.
    
39. No matter how badly a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged.
    
40. If there is a deranged killer on the loose, this will coincide with a thunderstorm that has brought down all the power and phone lines in the vicinity.
    
41. You can always find a chain saw whenever you're likely to need one.
    
42. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
    
43. Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son's eighth birthday.
    
44. Many musical instruments - especially wind instruments and accordions - can be played without moving the fingers.
    
45. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
    
46. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
    
47. Guns are like disposable razors - if you run out of bullets, just throw the gun away. You can always buy a new one.
    
48. Make-up can safely be worn to bed without smudging.
    
49. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
    
50. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
    

Puppies don't surf...

Why Dogs don't surf the web...

Can't stick their heads out of Windows 2000.

Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit.

Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail."

Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.

Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing www.pethouse.com instead of working.

Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee.

Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome

'Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand...

Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.

SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.

SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!

Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to manouever.

Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.masters.leg.

Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms.

A man and his dog walk into a...

A man and his dog walk into a bar. The man proclaims, "I'll bet you a round of drinks that my dog can talk."
Bartender: "Yeah! Sure ... go ahead."
Man: "What covers a house?"
Dog: "Roof!"
Man: "How does sandpaper feel?"
Dog: "Rough!"
Man: "Who was the greatest baseball player of all time?"
Dog: "Ruth!"
Man: "Pay up. I told you he could talk."
The bartender, annoyed at this point, throws both of them out the door.
Sitting on the sidewalk, the dog looks at the guy and says, "or is the greatest player Mantle?"

A lawyer's dog, running about...

A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast.
Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?"
The lawyer answers, "Absolutely."
"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today."
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50.
In a few days, the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the lawyer: $20 due for a consultation.

Things we would never know without going to the movies...

During all police investigations it will be
necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

All telephone numbers in America begin with
the digits 555.

Most dogs are immortal.

If being chased through town, you can usually
take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day
parade - at any time of the year.

All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets
which reach up to the armpit level on a woman
but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

All grocery shopping bags contain at least one
stick of French Bread.

It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing
there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even
while scuba diving

The ventilation system of any building is the
perfect hiding place. No-one will ever think of
looking for you in there and you can travel to
any other part of the building you want without difficulty.

If you need to reload your gun, you will always
have more ammunition -even if you haven't
been carrying any before now.

You're very likely to survive any battle in any
war unless you make the mistake of showing
someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

Should you wish to pass yourself off as a
German officer, it will not be necessary to
speak the language. Even a bad German accent will do.

If your town is threatened by an imminent
natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first
concern will be the tourist trade or his
forthcoming art exhibition.

The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any
window in Paris.

A man will show no pain while taking the most
ferocious beating but will wince when a woman
tries to clean his wounds.

If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will
be thrown through it before long.

When paying for a taxi, don't look at your
wallet as you take out a bill just grab one at
random and hand it over. It will always be the
exact fare.

Interbreeding is genetically possible with any
creature from elsewhere in the universe.

Kitchens don't have light switches. When
entering a kitchen at night, you should open the
fridge door and use that light instead.

If staying in a haunted house, women should
investigate any strange noises in their most
revealing underwear.

Word processors never display a cursor on
screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.

Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and
waffles for their family every morning even
though their husband and children never have
time to eat it.

Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.

The Chief of Police will always suspend his star
detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.

A single match will be sufficient to light up a
room the size of RFK Stadium.

Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

Although in the 20th century it is possible to
fire weapons at an object out of our visual
range, people of the 23rd century will have lost
this technology.

Any person waking from a nightmare will sit
bolt upright and pant.

It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye
when beginning or ending phone conversations.

Even when driving down a perfectly straight
road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel
vigorously from left to right every few moments.

All bombs are fitted with electronic timing
devices with large red readouts so you know
exactly when they're going to go off.

It is always possible to park directly outside
any building you are visiting.

A detective can only solve a case once he has
been suspended from duty.

If you decide to start dancing in the street,
everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

Most laptop computers are powerful enough to
override the communication systems of any
invading alien civilization (especially a
Macintosh snicker, snicker!!)).

It d

Beer drinking 101

Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Action: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
Fault: Improper bladder control.
Action: Stand next to the nearest dog and complain about house training.

Symptom: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
Fault: Glass Empty
Action: Get someone to buy you another beer.

Symptom: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
Fault: You have fallen over backwards.
Action: Have yourself leashed to the bar.

Symptom: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
Fault: You have fallen forward.
Action: See above.

Symptom: Beer tasteless and the front end of your shirt is wet.
Fault: Mouth not open or glass applied to the wrong face.
Action: Retire to the restroom and practice in the mirror.

Symptom: Floor blurred.
Fault: You are looking through an empty glass.
Action: Get someone to buy you another beer.

Symptom: Floor moving.
Fault: You are being carried out.
Action: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

Symptom: Room seems unusually dark.
Fault: Bar has closed.
Action: Confirm home address with the bartender.

Symptom: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspects and textures.
Fault: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
Action: Cover mouth.

Symptom: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
Fault: Your dancing on the table.
Action: Fall on someone cushy-looking.

Symptom: Beer is crystal clear.
Fault: Someone is trying to sober you up.
Action: Punch him.

Symptom: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
Fault: You have been in a fight.
Action: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

Symptom: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
Fault: You've wandered into the wrong party.
Action: See if they have free beer.

Symptom: Your singing sounds distorted.
Fault: The beer is too weak.
Action: Have more beer until your voice improves.

Symptom: Don't remember the words to the song.
Fault: Beer is just right.
Action: Play air guitar.

 Time To Do The Laundry

The Top 10 Signs That Its Time To Do The Laundry

1. You're wearing your last pair of underwear in the shower consistently.
   
2. You've worn your sheets to school because you can't get them off of you.
   
3. Your socks act like a shirt does when its heavily starched and emit a serious funk.
   
4. Your roommate walks around wearing a full body medical suit like they did in the movie "Outbreak" to avoid catching the Ebola virus.
   
5. The Snuggle Bear on the softener bottle officially died last week.
   
6. The DEA's drug sniffing dog is always coming by to sniff your laundry because the strong stench makes him think you have 28 tons of pot in your closet.
   
7. Even after sewing 28 spring scented dryer sheets to the inside of your shirt, your friends still say you reek.
   
8. The phrase "Wash Me" is visibly written in your jeans.
   
9. Your red T-shirt is now green.
   
10. The boss pulls you aside to remind you that your company's casual days does not include your college graduation gown and scuba diving fins.
    

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILD

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing up is mandatory; growing old is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

There was a hound dog laying i

There was a hound dog laying in the yard and an old geezer in overalls was sitting on the porch.
"Excuse me, sir, but does your dog bite?" a tourist asked.
The old man looked up over his newspaper and replied, "Nope".
As soon as the tourist stepped out of his car, the dog began snarling and growling, and then attacked both his arms and legs. As the tourist flailed around in the dust, he yelled, "I thought you said your dog didn't bite!"
The old man muttered, "Ain't my dog."

The Old Lady!

One day a guy walks into a bar and sees this jar of money, so he goes up to the bartender and asked him what it was for he says well where having a contest. You see that guy over there you have to tap him on the shoulder and knock him out in one punch. The guy says I can do that. Then he says next you have to go in that cage over there and there is a dog in there he has all the rabies in the world you have to pull out three of his teeth.He says I can do that. Then the bartender says next you have to FUCK that old lady over there, the man syas no I won't do that. He has a couple of beers then puts his money in the jar and then taps the guy on the shoulder and knocks him out in one punch. hen goes in the cage and comes out 3 minutes later and says where is the old lyady that needs her teeth pulled.

 Connecticut Crazy Law

You can be stopped by the police for biking over 65 miles per hour.
In order for a pickle to officially be considered a pickle, it must bounce.
It is illegal to dispose of used razor blades.
You cannot buy any alcohol after 8pm or on Sundays.
The marriage of imbeciles and feeble-minded persons is prohibited. (Repealed)
It is illegal to discharge a firearm from a public highway.
No one may use a white cane, unless they are blind.

Devon

It is unlawful to walk backwards after sunset.

Guilford

Only white Christmas lights are allowed for display.

Hartford

You aren't allowed to cross a street while walking on your hands.
You may not educate dogs.
It is illegal for a man to kiss his wife on Sunday.

New Britain

It is illegal for fire trucks to exceed 25mph, even when going to a fire.

Southington

Silly string is banned.

Waterbury

It is illegal for any beautician to hum, whistle, or sing while working on a customer.

 Ponderings Collection 08

When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
Do blind eskimoes heave seeing-eye sled dogs?
Do they have reserved parking for non-handicap people at the Special Olympics?
Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
Do radioactve cats have 18 half-lives?
If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
Why call it "take" a dump, when you leave something behind?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?

These are actual analogies and

These are actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays.
Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a thigh master.
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
He spoke with wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
She grew on him like E. coli and he was room temperature Canadian beef.
She had a deep throaty genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before he throws up.
Her vocabulary was as bad, as, like, whatever.
He was as tall as a six foot three inch tree.
The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge free ATM.
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7 pm instead of 7:30.
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
The hailstones leaped up off the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
Long separated by cruel fate, the star crossed lovers raced across a grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resemble Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the east river.
Even in his last years, grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
"Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a college freshman on $1-a-beer night.
He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a landmine or something.
The Ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids with power tools.
He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
She was as easy as the TV guide crossword.
Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.
She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
Her voice had that tense grating quality, like a generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightening.
It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.