Dog jokes (376 to 390)Jokes about dogs. These are the jokes listed 376 to 390. |
A lady with a prize-winning sc
A lady with a prize-winning schnauzer figured that he was going deaf. He wouldn't come when she called. When she took him out for a walk he wouldn't heel like he had been taught to do. As a matter of fact, when the dog wasn't looking and she called him, he acted like he didn't hear her at all. So she took him to the vet.The vet looked the dog over and gave him a complete physical. He told the lady, "There's nothing wrong with your dog at all. Look here. He has excessive hair growing in his ears, which led you to believe that he is deaf. He can't hear you, but he isn't deaf. You can treat this with a depilatory. I haven't got any in stock, but you can get some 'Neet' or 'Nair' at your local pharmacy. This will work just as well as the doggy brand will."
So the lady went to the nearest store and picked up a small bottle of Nair and looked over the instructions. There was nothing on the carton that related to her dog so she took it to the druggist and asked his advice.
"How do I apply this product," she asked. "Do I put it on right out of the bottle or do I dilute it or what?"
The druggist said, "For you legs, put it on straight. Right out of the bottle. For your underarms, I recommend that you dilute it 50-50 with water."
She said, "I don't think that you understand. It's for my schnauzer."
"Oh," said the druggist. "In that case, I suggest that you dilute it 3 to 1 with water. And by the way, I wouldn't ride a bicycle for a few days."
I believe that sex is one of t
I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."* Tom Clancy
"You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither."
* Steve Martin
"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
* Woody Allen
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday .night."
* Rodney Dangerfield
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 500SL."
* Lynn Lavner
"Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist."
* Matt Barry
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
* Camille Paglia & Bill Anderson
"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
* George Burns
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
* Sharon Stone
"My girlfriend always laughs during sex ~ no matter what she's reading."
* Steve Jobs
"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it., so I said "Thyroid problem?'"
*Arnold Schwarzenegger
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." * Tiger Woods
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
* Jack Nicholson
He never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
* Barbara Bush
"Ah, yes, Divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
* Robin Williams
"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
* Roseanne
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
* Billy Crystal
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
* Robert De Niro
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
* Dustin Hoffman
"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked.'"
* Jerry Seinfeld
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
* Rod Stewart
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
* Robin Williams
Getting married for sex is like buying a 747 for the free peanuts
*Jeff Foxworthy
You Might Be A Redneck If 35
You might be a redneck if...
You smoke during your deer hunt after scent-proofing yourself all month.
A tornado goes through your trailer's yard and makes it look neater.
You've got to shuck your toilet paper before you use it.
You have an autographed picture of Bob Barker in your wallet.
You think "Meals on Wheels" is another name for roadkill.
You shot your own 12 point coat rack.
You've been to the emergency room more than 3 times for mashing the wrong end of a thumb tack.
The number of times you've seen either Elvis or a UFO exceeds your I.Q.
Any of your neighbors has ever spent Halloween night at the bottom of a hole because you moved their outhouse back about four feet.
You've ever lost a dog to a bush hog.
Talented Dog
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.
The manager said "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.
The manager was stunned, but then told the dog "the sign says you have to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time.
By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said "yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, "Meow!"
A dog at the movies...
A man follows a woman out of a movie theatre. She has a dog on a leash.
He stops her and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I couldn't help but notice that your dog was really into the movie. He cried at the right spots, he moved nervously in his seat at the boring parts, but most of all, he laughed like crazy at the funny parts. Did you find that unusual??"
"Yes," she replied, "I found it very unusual ... because he hated the book!"
Short Gender Jokes
What is the thinnest book in the world?
What men know about women!
Why don't men eat more M & M's?
They are too hard to peel!
What do you call a man with an I.Q. of 50?
Gifted!
What is the difference between men and government bonds?
Bonds mature!
Why are blond jokes so short?
So men can remember them!
What do men and beer bottles have in common?
They are both empty from the neck up!
How can you tell if a man is happy?
Who cares!
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don't know - it's never happened.
How are men and parking spots alike?
The good ones are always taken and the ones that are left are handicapped.
What's a man's idea of housework?
Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.
What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home!
What did God say after he created man?
I can do better than this!
What does a man consider a seven course meal?
A hot dog and a six pack of beer!
How do men exercise at the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
What's the best way to force a man to do situps?
Put the remote between his toes.
How do men define a 50/50 relationship?
We cook/they eat we clean/they dirty we iron/they wrinkle!
Seven Degrees Of Blonde
ONE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. Thewife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?"
The wife said, "I don't know; some woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear."
TWO
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." the second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"
THREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it."
The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"
FOUR
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"
The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."
FIVE
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? "Is it mine?"
SIX
A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously,
she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. "My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"
"Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped.
"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was...."
"Uh, ma'am," the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."
SEVEN
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K_9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K_9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"
The Mule, the Monkey & The Man
God created the mule, and told him, "You are mule. You will work constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years." The mule answered, "To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20."
And it was so.
Then God created the dog, and told him, "You are dog. You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years."
The dog responded, "Lord, to live 25 years as a dog like that is too much. Please, no more than 10 years."
And it was so.
God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years."The monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no than 10 years."
And it was so.
Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only rational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years."
The man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord; give me the 20 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected."
And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 20 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse his grandchildren.
And it is so ...
Business one-liners 77
It does not matter if you fall down as long as you pick up something from the floor while you get up.
It doesn't matter whether you win or lose, until you lose.
It is a dog-eat-dog world out there and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear.
It is a poor workman who blames his tools.
It is better to be part of the idle rich class than be part of the idle poor class.
It is better to remain silent and thought a fool than it is to speak and remove all doubt. Moral: think before you speak. Or engage the brain when engaging the mouth.
It is easier to get forgiveness than it is to get permission.
It is easier to take it apart than to put it back together.
It is important to keep an open mind, but not so open that your brains fall out.
It is impossible to build a foolproof system, because fools are so ingenious.
It just doesn't get any Beta than this.
Gone to Heaven
One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven. There he meets the Lord Himself. The Lord says to the cat "you lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let Me know". The cat thinks for a moment and says "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor." The Lord stops the cat and says "say no more" and a wonderful fluffy pillow appears.
Several days later 6 mice are killed in a tragic farming accident and go to heaven. Again there is the Lord there to greet them with the same offer. The mice answer "All of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so we don't have to run anymore?" The Lord says "say no more" and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.
About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him "How are things since you are here?" The cat stretches and yawns and replies "It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those 'Meals On Wheels' you've been sending by are the best!"
Three dogs were sitting in the
Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the veterinarian's. One of the dogs was hanging its head and sighing.The second dog turned to him and asked, "What are you in here for, buddy?"
"I'm in big trouble," he said. "My owner has a really nice sports car with leather seats. I just love to go for rides in it. Well, the other day, he took me for a ride and I was so excited, I peed on the seats. Now he's having me put to sleep."
"I know how you feel," said the second dog. "My owners have a beautiful, expensive oriental rug. The other day they were late getting home from work and I just couldn't help myself--I crapped all over their nice carpet and ruined it. They're having me put to sleep, too."
Both dogs turned to the third dog in the waiting room. "So what are you in here for?" they asked.
"Well," said the third dog. "My owner likes to do her housework in the nude. The other day, she was vacuuming and she knelt down to vacuum under the sofa, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and had the ride of my life!"
The other dogs nodded in sympathy, "So she's having you put to sleep too, huh?"
"No," said the third dog. "I'm having my nails clipped."
Two Irish nuns have just arriv
Two Irish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to theother, "I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs.""Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we mightas well do as the Americans do."
Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor andthey both walk towards the cart.
"Two dogs, please," says one.
The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs infoil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to abench and begin to unwrap their "dogs."
The mother superior is first to open hers.She begins to blush and then,staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers...cautiously: "What part did you get?
