Dog jokes (556 to 570)Jokes about dogs. These are the jokes listed 556 to 570. |
Only In America
1. Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.2. Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3.Only in America... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
5. Only in America... do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America... do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
Ancient discovery
A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Written on the wall of the cave were the following symbols in order of appearance: A dog, a donkey, a shovel, a fish, a Star of David.They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at least more than three thousand years old.
They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient symbols.
They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss what they could agree was the meaning of the markings.
The President of their Society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said, "This looks like a dog. We can judge that this was a highly intelligent race as they knew how to have animals for companionship. To prove this statement you can see that the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were even smart enough to have animals help them till the soil.
The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them. Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that they had a famine that hit the earth whereby the food didn't grow, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews."
The audience applauded enthusiastically and the President smiled and said, "I'm glad to see that you are all in full agreement with our interpretations."
Suddenly a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, "I object to every word. The explanation of what the writings say is quite simple. First of all, everyone knows that Hebrews don't read from left to right, but from right to left...... Now, look again..... It now says:
"HOLY MACKEREL, DIG THE ASS ON THAT BITCH!"
A man was checking into a hote...
A man was checking into a hotel when he saw a golden retriever sitting on a rug near the hotel elevator. Talking to the man behind the desk, he asked, "Does your dog bite?" The attendant said, "No, he doesn't." But as the man let his hand down to pat the dog, it bit his hand and held on so tightly that the man had to throw him across the room.Returning to the desk, the man said, "I thought you said that your dog didn't bite." He directed the attendant's attention to the dog, who now had returned to the rug. The attendant simply answered, "My friend that is NOT my dog."
14 signs your Kitty wants you dead
14. Seems mighty chummy with the dog all of a sudden.13. Unexplained calls to F. Lee Bailey's 900 number on your bill.
12. You find a stash of 'Feline of Fortune' magazines behind the couch.
11. Cyanide pawprints all over the house.
10. You wake up to find a bird's head in your bed.
9. As the wind blows over the grassy knoll in downtown Dallas, you get a faint whiff of catnip.
8. Droppings in litter box spell out 'REDRUM.'
7. Takes attentive notes every time 'Itchy and Scratchy' are on.
6. You find blueprints for a Rube Goldberg device that starts with a mouse chased into a hole and ends with flaming oil dumped on your bed.
5. Has taken a sudden interest in the wood chipper.
4. Instead of dead birds, leaves cartons of Marlboros on your doorstep.
3. Ball of yarn playfully tied into a hangman's noose.
2. You find a piece of paper labeled 'MY WIL' that reads 'LEEV AWL 2 KAT.'
1. Now sharpens claws on your car's brake lines.
Dog Jokes 05
Q: Why do you need a licence for a dog and not for a cat?
A: Cats can't drive!
Q: What do you call a dog in the middle of a muddy road?
A: A mutt in a rut!
Q: What do you get if you cross a dog with a blind mole?
A: A dog that keeps barking up the wrong tree!
Q: What do you call a happy Lassie?
A: A jolly collie!
Q: What do you call a nutty dog in Australia?
A: A dingo-ling!
Q: What dog loves to take bubble baths?
A: A shampoodle!
Q: How do you catch a runaway dog?
A: Hide behind a tree and make a noise like a bone!
Q: What dogs are best for sending telegrams?
A: Wire haired terriers!!
Q: What kind of dog does a vampire prefer?
A: Any kind of bloodhound!
Q: What kind of dog sniffs out new flowers?
A: A bud hound!
Two nuns from Ireland come to ...
Two nuns from Ireland come to tour New York City. Before they come, they hear that Americans eat dogs, so they both agree to try it when they arrive. As they're walking around New York, they hear, "Hot Dogs! Get your hot dogs!" They rush over to get one! As the first nun opens hers, her face turns white and she gasps, "What part did you get?!"Cat Scan
A woman took her dog to the vet. She said, "I think my dog is dead". The doctor laid the dog on the table and reached down and took a cat out of a box. The cat walked all over the dog and the dog didn't move. "Yes, your dog is dead," says the doctor.
"How much do I owe you?" the lady asks.
"$345," says the doctor.
"$345!!?" the lady asks.
"Yes. $45 for the office visit and $300 for the cat scan."
Clinton Q & A
Q: What's the difference between Monica Lewinsky and the rest of us?A: In order for us to get some dick in the White House, we had to go out and vote.
Q: How will history remember Bill Clinton?
A: The President after Bush.
Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and his dog Buddy?
A: One tries to hump the leg of every woman in the White House, the other is a chocolate Lab.
Q: What does Clinton say to interns as they leave his office?
A: "Don't hit your head on the desk."
Q: Did you hear about the Bill Clinton sale at clothing stores on President's day?
A: All pants half off.
Q: What do Monica Lewinsky and the Buffalo Bills have in common?
A: They both blew the big one several times.
Q: What was the first thing Monica saw in government?
A: The Executive Branch.
Q: What do Monica Lewinsky and soda pop machines have in common?
A: They both have slots which say "Insert Bill" here."
Funny bumper stickers....
'Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.''Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death'
'Cover me. I'm changing lanes.'
'As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools'
'The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.'
'Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.'
'Conserve toilet paper, use both sides.'
'REHAB is for quitters'
'I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!'
'Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep'
'I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather....Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car....'
'Montana --- At least our cows are sane!'
'I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.'
'I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!'
'According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.'
'Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.'
'A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.'
'How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?'
'I'm not as think as you drunk I am'
'Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal !'
'He who laughs last thinks slowest'
'Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.'
'Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.'
'Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.'
'Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone,somewhere may be happy.'
'Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.'
'i souport publik edekasion'
'We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimulated.'
'Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.'
'Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...'
'3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.'
'Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?'
'Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?'
'2 + 2 =5 for extremely large values of 2.'
Auntie Em: Hate you, Hate Kansas, Taking the dog. -Dorothy.'
Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.
What a talent....
A family was visiting an Indian reservation when they happened upon an old tribesman lying face down in the middle of the road with his ear pressed firmly against the blacktop.
The father of the family asked the old tribeman what he was doing. The tribesman began to speak..."woman, late thirties, three kids, one barking dog in late model, white, four-door station wagon, traveling at 65 m.p.h.
"That's amazing!" exclaimed the father. "You can tell all that just by listening to the ground?"
"No," said the old tribesman, weakly. "They just ran over me five minutes ago!"
Signs And Notices 07
These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.
Sign on a scientist's door: "Gone fission."
Sign in a taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
Sign in a podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels."
Sign in a butcher's window: "Let me meat your needs."
Sign on used car lot: "Second hand cars in first crash condition."
Sign on fence: "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."
Sign in a car dealership office: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
Sign over a cannibal's hut: "I never met a man I didn't like."
Sign in a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."
Wandering Dog
An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.
He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: 'Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'
The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with four children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'
