Dog jokes (61 to 75)Jokes about dogs. These are the jokes listed 61 to 75. |
A farmer goes to the bank to a
A farmer goes to the bank to ask for a loan. When the loan officer denies him credit the farmer's dog bites the officer. Then she turns around and bites one of the customers. The loan officer asks the farmer:I understand why your dog bit me. But why did she bite the customer.
I don't know...probably to get the bad taste out of her mouth.
Dog in Heat
A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?
Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."
He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block." The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."
Biker's Dog
A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?"
A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?"
"Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir."
"What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the hell kind of dog do you have?"
"Sir," answered the little man, "it's a little four week old female puppy."
"Bull!" roared the biker, "how could your puppy kill my Doberman?"
"It appears that your dog choked on her, sir."
A girl was visiting her friend
A girl was visiting her friend, who had just acquired two new dogs, and she asked what their names were.The friend responded by saying one was named Rolex and other one was named Timex.
The girl remarked, "Whoever heard of naming your dog something like that?"
"Hellooooo...," answered the friend. "They're watch dogs!"
You are in the middle of a few
You are in the middle of a few projects around at your home: putting in a new fence, painting the basement walls, putting in a new garden. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dust, lawn clippings, dirt and paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit -- shorts with the hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who-knows-what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.Right in the middle of these projects you realize you need to run to Home Depot for supplies.
Depending on your age you might do the following:
In your 20s:
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes.
Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favourite cologne because, you never know, you just might meet some
hot chick while standing in the checkout line.
And yes, you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.
In your 30s:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change your shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else.
Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favourite cologne to cover the smell.
The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.
In your 40s:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts.
Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute is almost empty, so don't waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing.
The hot young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird about thinking she's spicy.
In your 50s:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a hat. Wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't
want to get dog crap in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and swear not to wear that shirt any more
because it makes you look fat.
The cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember --
the hat you have on is from Bubba's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms'
In your 60s:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat any more. Hose the dog crap off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50s.
You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants.
The girl running the register may be cute but you don't have your glasses on, so you're not sure.
In your 70s:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until the drug store has your prescriptions ready too. Don't even notice the dog crap on your shoes.
The young thing at the register stares at you and you realize your balls are hanging out the hole in your crotch.
In your 80s:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you need to go to Home Depot. Go to Wal-Mart instead. You went to school with the old lady greeter.
You wander around trying to remember what you are looking for. Then you fart out loud and think someone called your name.
In your 90s and beyond:
What's a home deep hoe? Something for my garden? Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this? Did I send it? Did you? Who farted?
Signs to Hang in the Office
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
I have not yet begun to procrastinate.
I don't suffer from stress. I'm just a carrier.
Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
Differences between Men and
Differences between Men and Women1. Women have more imagination than men. They need it to tell men how wonderful they are.
2. Women have a number of faults. Men have only two – everything they say and everything they do.
3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
4. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
5. When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. When men are depressed, they invade another country.
6. A man is a person who will pay £2 for a £1 item he wants. A woman, however, will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't want.
7. Diamonds are a girl's best friend. Dogs are a man's best friend. Now you know which sex is smarter.
8. It's not true that men prefer foolish women. Rather they prefer women who can pretend to be foolish whenever necessary, which is the very core of intelligence.
9. Men always want to be a woman's first love. Women have a more subtle instinct: What they like is to be a man's last romance.
10. To be happy with a man, a woman must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, a man must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
11. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
12. Men marry because they are tired; women marry because they are curious. Both are disappointed.
13. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband, while a man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
14. A woman will always cherish the memory of the man who wanted to marry her; a man will always cherish the memory of the woman who he didn't.
15. There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman – before marriage and after marriage.
16. Only two things are necessary for a man to do to keep his wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.
17. Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
18. Any married man should forget his mistakes – it's no use two people remembering the same thing.
19. Some husbands are living proof that a woman can take a joke.
20. Husbands are like cars: all are good the first year.
21. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
