Dog jokes (46 to 60)Jokes about dogs. These are the jokes listed 46 to 60. |
Canine tooth
A dog and a cat are having an argument about which one a human prefers.
The dog says, "Humans like us more. They have even named a tooth after us!"
The cat smiles and says, "You are really not going to win this one you know!"
A Termite walks into a bar
And says is the bar tender here
Why does Ariel wear seashells ... and few more new jokes
Daughter: "dad, why does Ariel wear seashells"
Dad: "because b-shells are too small and d-shells are too big"
A police officer just knocked on my door and told me that my dogs are chasing people on bikes.
That's ridiculous, because my dogs don't even own bikes.
In the past, your last name often reflected your profession.
Tailors - taylor, Blacksmith - Smith, ect.
So what the heck was a Dickinson?
Wife asked, "Can you get some bleach, washing powder and some shake and vac while you're out?"
"Can you not wait until you’ve opened your Birthday presents tomorrow?"
Had a look on a dating site. Possible match, similar interests, described herself as 5 ft 3 blue eyes, blonde hair…
Not sure I want to date someone with 3 blue eyes though!
I hate when my wife gets mad at me for being lazy.
It’s not like I did anything.
Happy Thursday with fresh new jokes
As a child, I was forced to walk the plank.
We couldn't afford a dog.
Where does a horse go when it gets sick?
To the horse-pital
Global warming will kill every single person on this planet
It's a good thing I'm married.
I asked my wife, "Do you think the cup is half full or half empty?"
She said, "Please for the love of God, could you stop wearing my bras!"
I answered the door this morning.
A 6ft beetle punched me in the face and called me a fat twat...
Apparently there's a nasty bug going round
What a day! The police came around and accused me of stealing my neighbours underwear...
I nearly shit her pants!
New short Jokes to start day with laugh
My local supermarket is exchanging old novels for certain root vegetables.
That's a turnip for the books.
Apparently you can’t use beefstew as a password…
It ain’t stroganoff!
Someone stole my broken calculator, but I don't know why.
It just doesn't add up.
When I was a boy, "The Jetsons" gave me unrealistic expectations about the future
. . . like having a job, a loving family, and a dog.
Not to brag but I made six figures last year
I was also named worst employee at the toy factory
A guy walks into a bar and people start lining up to punch him
Yeah that’s the punchline
How do you get a one armed man out of a tree?
Wave!
35 safe short jokes and puns
1. Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself?
Because it was two-tired!
2. What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?
A thesaurus!
3. Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants?
In case he got a hole-in-one!
4. Why did the picture go to jail?
Because it was framed!
5. What do you call a group of musical whales?
An orca-stra!
6. What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear!
7. Why did the math book look sad?
Because it had too many problems!
8. What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work?
A can’t opener!
9. How do you catch a squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a nut!
10. What is the skeleton’s favorite musical instrument?
A trombone!
11. Why couldn’t the pony sing a lullaby?
She was a little horse!
12. Why was the belt arrested?
For holding up a pair of pants!
13. How do you organize a space party?
You planet!
14. Why did the cookie go to the doctor?
Because it felt crummy!
15. What do you call a boomerang that won’t come back?
A stick!
16. What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college?
Bison!
17. Why did the chicken go to the seance?
To get to the other side!
18. What do you call a snobbish criminal going downstairs?
A condescending con descending!
19. How does a train eat?
It goes chew-chew!
20. Why don’t oysters donate to charity?
Because they’re shellfish!
21. What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef!
22. What did the zero say to the eight?
Nice belt!
23. Why did the scarecrow become a motivational speaker?
Because he always found a way to lift people’s crops!
24. What do you call a nosy pepper?
Jalapeño business!
25. How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a little boogie in it!
26. Why did the crab never share?
Because he was shellfish!
27. What do you get when you cross a computer and a lifeguard?
A screensaver!
28. Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn’t peeling well!
29. What do you call a cow that can play an instrument?
A moosician!
30. What’s a pirate’s favorite letter?
Arrrrrrrr!
31. Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide!
32. What do you call a dog that can do magic?
A Labracadabrador!
33. What did the big flower say to the little flower?
Hi, bud!
34. What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A roamin’ Catholic!
35. What did the traffic light say to the car?
Don’t look, I’m changing!!
Broccoli
A man was stocking produce at the grocery store when a woman approached, asking, "Excuse me, where's the broccoli? I can't seem to find it."
He replied, "I apologize, ma'am, we're out of broccoli today. We'll have more tomorrow morning."
Resuming his work, he was arranging oranges when the same woman tapped his shoulder and inquired again, "Where's the broccoli? Do you have any?"
He patiently responded, "No, ma'am, we're still out of broccoli. We'll have some tomorrow morning."
Moments later, the woman confronted him once more, demanding, "Why can't I find any broccoli? Where is it?"
The man said, "Please indulge me for a moment. How do you spell 'cat' as in 'catastrophic'?"
She answered, "C-A-T."
He continued, "How do you spell 'dog' as in 'dogmatic'?"
She replied, "D-O-G."
Then he asked, "How do you spell 'fu*k' as in 'broccoli'?"
Puzzled, she said, "There is no 'fu*k' in broccoli."
He exclaimed, "THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU, LADY!"
International Guide Dog Day joke
April 26th is International Guide Dog Day! Celebrate it with a joke:
Blind man walks into a store
He grabs his guide dog by the tail and lifts it into the air then spins it around his head.
The store clerk, alarmed by this strange behavior said , "can I help you?"
…. "Nope, I'm just looking around."
#GuideDogDay #InternationalGuideDogDay
30 Earth Day Jokes! Celebrate Earth Day of 2023
April 22nd is Earth Day! Take care of earth!
1. Why did the leaf go to the doctor?
It was feeling green.
2. Why are people always tired on Earth Day?
Because they just finished a March.
3. How can you tell the ocean is friendly?
It waves.
4. Why is grass so dangerous?
Because it’s full of blades.
5. Why did the sun go to school?
To get brighter.
6. How do you cut a wave in half?
Use a sea saw.
7. What did the tree wear to the pool party?
Swimming trunks.
8. What did the ground say to the earthquake?
You crack me up!
9. What kind of shorts to clouds wear?
Thunderwear!
10. Why do tornadoes zigzag?
They’re dizzy.
11. Why did the woman go outdoors with her purse open?
Because she expected some change in the weather.
12. What’s the difference between weather and climate?
You can’t weather a tree, but you can climate.
13. What kind of plant grow on your hand?
Palm tree.
14. What happens when it rains cats and dogs?
You have to been careful not to step in a poodle.
15. What is a tree’s least favorite month?
Sep-timber!
16. What’s the biggest moth in the world?
A mammoth!
17. What did the little tree say to the big tree?
Leaf me alone!
18. Did you hear about the power plant that was bad for the environment all year?
He got coal for Christmas.
19. What did one lightening bolt say to the other??
You're truly shocking!
20. Mother to son: "You shouldn't always lounge around so lazily on the couch!"
Son: "I'm doing something for the environment — I'm saving energy!
21. What is a tree’s least favorite month?
Sep-timber!
22. What did the tree wear to the pool party?
Swimming trunks.
23. How can you tell the ocean is friendly?
It waves.
24. A climate scientist and a climate change denier walk into a bar.
The denier says, nice to see you.
The climate scientist says, nice to CO2.
25. If I ride my bike twice
… does that count as RE-CYCLING?
26. "I'm vegan, by the way," says a vegan. "Oh, probably out of your love for animals?" a friend replies. "No, out of plant hatred, pure plant hatred!"
27. Freedom for the gummy bears! Away with the plastic bags!
28. What kind of bow can't be tied?
A rainbow!
29. How do hurricanes see?
With one eye!
30. My teacher wanted me to come up with a set of steps that we could use to save the environment …
So I created an Al Gore-ithm.
Buying a newspaper
One day, a man's beloved dog passed away, leaving him heartbroken. His dog had been incredibly helpful, doing chores like washing dishes and running errands. Grieving, the man decided to find a new pet to fill the void.
At the pet store, he asked the manager if they had any animals that could perform tasks like his dog had. The manager looked around and said, "We don't have much, but there's this centipede."
Though skeptical, the man took the centipede home. To test its abilities, he asked it to fetch a beer from the fridge, and the centipede did so.
Next, he asked it to run a bath
It also accomplished.
Before getting into the bath, the man requested the centipede to go to the store and buy a newspaper. The centipede agreed. However, when the man emerged from the bath an hour later, he found the centipede at the bottom of the stairs, not having left for the store yet.
"Didn't I ask you to go to the store?" he questioned.
The centipede replied, "GIVE ME A CHANCE TO PUT MY SHOES ON!"
World Art Day Joke
Today is World Art Day! Find a joke about it!
What do you call someone hanging out by the wall?
Art.
Why couldn’t the man afford expensive art?
He had no Monet.
Why was the artist hauled to court?
To face the mosaic.
What is Salvador Dali’s favorite thing to eat for breakfast?
A bowl of surreal.
Which famous painting is always sad?
The Moaning Lisa.
Why did Van Gogh become a painter?
Because he didn’t have an ear for music.
What sound does a dog that’s really into art make?
He doesn’t bark. He bauhaus.
Why did the artist decide not to quit running?
He was on the home sketch.
What is it called when someone mislabels a color?
A false ac-hue-sation.
Why did the investor buy art?
For art appreciation.
#worldartday
Dog playing piano
It is World Piano Day!
A man walks into a bar with a small dog under his arm and sits down at the counter, placing the dog on the stool next to him. The bartender says, "Sorry, pal. No dogs allowed."
The man says, "But this is a special dog – he plays the piano!"
The bartender replies, "Well, if he can play that piano, you both can stay... and have a drink on the house!"
So the man puts the dog on the piano stool, and the dog starts playing. Ragtime, Mozart... and then he plays some rock 'n' roll. The bartender and patrons are amazed.
Suddenly, a bigger dog runs in, grabs the small dog by the scruff of the neck, and drags him out. The bartender asks the man, "What was that all about?"
The man replies, "Oh, that was his mother. She wanted him to be a doctor."
The Designated Canine
While taking their dog on a road trip, a family carries his drinking water in a gin bottle. On one occasion they stopped for lunch and let him out of the car. Pouring some water from the bottle into his bowl, the husband noticed a man watching with fascination.
The man slowly approached the family and whispered, "I hope that you're not going to let that dog drive!"
