Dog jokes (31 to 45)Jokes about dogs. These are the jokes listed 31 to 45. |
Chihuahua at the vets
A man brings his Chihuahua to the vet.They’re immediately taken to a room.
Soon, a Labrador walks in sniffs the Chihuahua, and leaves.
Then a cat comes in, stares at the dog, and leaves.
Finally, the doctor comes in, prescribes some medicine, and hands the man a $250 bill.
"This must be a mistake," the man says.
"I’ve only been here 20 minutes!"
"No mistake," the doctor says.
"It’s $100 for the Lab test,
$100 for the cat scan,
and $50 for the medicine."
11 new jokes for National Tell A Joke Day
On August 16th, celebrate National (US) Tell A Joke Day by doing just that — telling a joke. Find some great jokes here:
What's the difference between an Indian and an African Elephant?
One of them is an elephant
What's the difference between Iron man and Iron woman?
One is a superhero the other an instruction!
How hard is it to seduce large women?
Piece of cake
There's a new religion that worships zero
Nothing is sacred these days
Did you hear about the two guys who broke into an oversized kitchen supply store?
One of them said to the other "Be careful, we're taking a really big whisk."
Am going to see that new film about the pig without an eye.
It's rated PG.
I ordered a book on puns.
I didn't get it.
I've just come back from the doctor and I've been diagnosed with tinnitus...
I don't like the sound of that!
I went to the doctors with hearing problems.
He said, "Can you describe the symptoms?"
I said, "Homer's a fat bloke and Marge has big blue hair!"
My dog ran off in the park last night.
I walked around for 30 minutes but could not find him.
The missus said I should look harder...
So I shaved my head and got a tattoo.
I still can't find him!
A Glaswegian lad takes his girlfriend home for the first time and introduces her to his parents.
"This is Amanda."
His dad jumps up and says, "It's a f*c*ng what?"
Rabbit walks into a bar and few more funny jokes
A priest, a rabbit and a minister walks into a bar.
The rabbit says, "I think I might be a typo!"
My wife said, "I can think of 14 reasons to leave you, plus your obsession with tennis."
I replied, "That's 15 love"
"Dad, I don't want to go to school today." said the boy. "Why not, son?"
"Well, one of the chickens on the school farm died last week and we had chicken soup for lunch the next day.
Then three days ago one of the pigs died and we had roast pork the next day."
"But why don't you want to go today?" "Because our English teacher died yesterday!"
Why pigs dressed in black never get killed?
Because Batman has sworn to protect goth ham.
My loopy neighbour has invited me to her cats birthday party on Saturday...
Is she crazy? She knows my dog is getting married that day!
Chess Day jokes
International Chess Day is celebrated on 20 July. Check out some funny Chess jokes!
Patient: Doctor whenever I cough it sounds like this 'pawn, bishop, queen.
Doctor: Sounds like you have a chess infection.
I played my friend in a game of chess.
She did not think that she could win but she wanted to check anyway.
When Australian chess players finish their meals in the restaurant...
they say, "Cheque, mate."
Life is like a game of chess.
I can't play chess.
Why is the white bishop piece in chess the fastest?
Because it's on F1.
A girl comes across a guy playing chess against a dog.
She's very impressed with what she sees and says:
"What a clever dog!"
To which the man responds:
"No, no, he isn't that clever...
I'm leading three games to one!"
Where do chess players like to go to look for a bargain?
The pawnshop.
How did the king lose his home?
One of the horses took his castle.
Which knight always gave up at chess?
Sir Render.
Why do chess pieces look so uninterested?
They’re part of a bored game.
Why should you ever have lunch with a chess player?
It takes them ages to pass the salt.
Why did the chess player win the disco competition?
They had all the right moves.
When the King started telling a bedtime story to all the chess pieces, he said ...
"Once a pawn a time..."
A few fresh jokes to start Monday with a smile on your face
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese. "Sorry" she replied. "We only accept cash"
A fly with a bug on its back said
Hey is that a mite? The mite replied "I mite be".
The fly replied that's the worst joke I've ever heard!
The mite said, well I came up with it on the fly!
I took my dog to the park today to play frisbee with him…
He was useless!
I need a flatter dog!
I phoned my wife earlier and asked her if she wanted me to pick up Fish and Chips on my way home from work but she just grunted at me...
I think she still regrets letting me name the twins!
Independence Day Jokes
July 4th is Independence Day (US National Holiday)! Find jokes about it!
Why do Bigelow employees like the Fourth of July so much?
They love to celebrate liber-tea!
What is red, white, black and blue?
Uncle Sam when he takes a tumble down the stairs.
Why does the Statue of Liberty stand in the New York harbor?
It can’t sit.
What do you call a duck who says ‘bang’?
A firequacker.
Did you hear the joke about the Liberty Bell?
It cracked me up!
What was the popular dance in 1776?
The indepen-dance.
Who was the biggest jokester in George Washington’s army?
Laugh-ayette
What did one flag say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved!
Was the Declaration of Independence written in Philadelphia?
No, it was written in ink!
What happens when you cross a stegosaurus with a firework?
Dino-myte!
What did the ghost say on the Fourth of July?
Red, white and boo.
What do you eat on July 5th?
Independence Day-old pizza.
Who was the dog that announced, “The British are coming”?
Paw Revere.
Who doesn’t get a day of July 4?
Fire – fire works.
What’s red, white, blue and green?
A seasick Uncle Sam.
What has feathers, webbed feet, life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness?
The duck-laration of happiness.
What happens if you cross a Declaration signer and a rooster?
John Hancock-a-doodle-doo
What is the best sport to play on the Fourth of July?
Flag football.
Where is the capital in Washington, D.C.?
At the beginning.
What do you call a snowman on the Fourth of July?
A puddle.
What do you call a patriotic cartoonist?
A Yankee Doodler.
Why are there no Fourth of July knock-knock jokes?
Because freedom rings.
What’s the difference between George Washington and a duck?
One of them has their face on a bill and the other one has a bill on their face.
Where did George Washington keep his armies?
In his sleevies.
What did the tourists say when they left the Statute of Liberty?
Keep in torch!
What do ducks love about the Fourth of July?
Firequackers.
What do firecrackers eat at the movies?
Pop-corners.
Why couldn’t George Washington sleep at night?
Because he couldn’t lie.
What did Obi-Wan Kenobi say on Independence Day?
May the fourth be with you!
What did the little firecracker say to the big one?
“Hi, Pop!”
What do you call a red, white and blue pie?
Pastry-otic.
What do you call a Fourth of July accident at Mount Rushmore?
A monumental disaster.
What is the most patriotic dog breed?
Yankee Poodles
What was Uncle Sam’s favorite snack?
Fire crackers.
Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
On the bottom.
Why can’t you skip out on the Fourth of July barbecue?
It would be a missed-steak.
What do an American flag and a sad candy cane have in common?
They’re both red, white and blue
What did the revolutionaries wear to the Boston Tea Party?
Tea-shirts.
What did the firework seller say to his colleague on July 4?
Business is booming!
Did you hear about the angry firework?
He was so mad, he exploded!
Why did Paul Revere ride to Lexington on his horse?
Well, the horse was too heavy to carry.
What’s a firework’s favorite song?
“Pop it Like it’s Hot.”
What do fireworks eat when it’s hot out?
Popsicles!
Who is the least guilty president?
Lincoln – he’s in a cent!
Which Founding Father is a puppy’s favorite?
Bone Franklin.
What has four legs, a shiny nose and fought for England?
Rudolph the Redcoat Reindeer.
Whose favorite lyric in "The Star Spangled Banner" is “Oh say can you see”?
An optometrist!
How do Americans spend their Fourth of July weekend?
Getting stuck in traffic.
Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing!
(Just like how the British turned red when they saw the Americans dressing up as independent!)
#independenceday
17 Yoga jokes for International Yoga Day
Jun the 21st is International Yoga Day! Celebrate it with few Yoga jokes!
1. I recently took up yoga, and the instructor asked me how flexible I am…
I said: I can only do Fridays.
2. I'm trying to write this pun about yoga.
But it's just not working out. It just seems a stretch.
3. What does the yoga teacher want for their birthday?
All they want is your presence.
4. Where do you go if you can't afford yoga classes?
The omless shelter.
5. Why is the pear so good at yoga?
He's got a great core.
6. What did the yogi tell his dog?
Nama, stay!
7. What do you do when a yoga guru goes missing?
Nothing. They'll find themself.
8. What's a pirate's least favorite yoga move?
The plank pose.
9. What do an ambulance and a yoga class have in common?
They both contain stretchers.
10. I did an amazing yoga pose over this stream created from acidic rainfall yesterday.
I think it's called a bridge over troubled water . . .
11. Why is it easy to make an appointment with a yoga teacher?
They're just so flexible.
12. I run a meditation and yoga studio for angry donkeys.
It's called "peace of ass".
13. Why did the yogi return the vacuum cleaner?
It came with too many attachments.
14. What happens if you kill a yoga teacher before the start of class?
You get charged with premeditated murder.
15. Why are weightlifters so good at yoga?
They have great flex-ability
16. Why did the yogi refuse anesthetic at the dentist?
He wanted to transcend-dental-medication!
17. I got chucked out of yoga class yesterday.
Apparently, I misinterpreted the Half-Moon Pose.
Dad jokes to use for Father's Day, or after if you forgot
Too late for this year, but it is good to know you can give the gift of dad jokes next Father's Day. Here are just a few.
This girl asked me why I had an unlit cigarette in my tinder photo.
Well I told her that I’m looking for a match.
Math? I can tolerate algebra and calculus ...
but geometry is where I draw the line.
What kind of music do chiropractors like?
Hip pop.
I like telling Dad jokes …
sometimes he laughs.
Sundays are always a little sad,
but the day before is a sadder day.
What kind of dog does a magician have?
A Labracadabrador!
What did the mama cow say to the calf?
It’s pasture bedtime!
What do you call an illegally parked frog in Philly?
Toad!
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with shellfish?
An oyster bunny!
Answers on a postcard please!
Be thankful it's not snowing...
Imagine shovelling snow in this heat!
Another 14 Dad jokes, be ready for Father's Day
Get your Dad jokes ready on time! Third Sunday of June is Father's Day, have fun with these!
1. Scientists say that one day, it may be possible to live on Mars.
I tried it for a month, gained nearly 3 stone in weight and developed type 2 diabetes!
2. I think I want a job cleaning mirrors.
I could really see myself doing it.
3. What did the kid Pirate say to the Mom Pirate?
Arrrn’t you glad you met Dad?
4. How do astronomers organise a party?
They planet!
5. I made a soup entirely from ingredients extracted from the atmosphere…
It was a broth of fresh air!
6. When does a regular joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
7. It wasn’t much fun when I broke my neck last year.
But now I can look back and laugh.
8. Anyone remember that chiropractor joke I shared?
It was about a weak back.
9. I recently visited the "World's Tiniest Wind Turbine" exhibit.
Honestly, not a big fan.
10. I can’t bring my dog to the pond anymore. The ducks keep attacking him.
Guess that’s what I get for getting a pure bread dog.
11. I only seem to get sick on weekdays.
I must have a weekend immune system.
12. What did the triangle say to the circle?
You’re pointless.
13. Hey, Dad, did you get a haircut?
Nope, I got them all cut
14. Where do pigs like to relax?
In hammocks
Monday is better when it starts with new Jokes
If "tomb" is pronounced "toom", "womb" is pronounced "woom" then shouldn't...
"bomb" be pronounced "BOOM".
I asked a pretty, homeless woman if I could take her home, and she said yes.
The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.
When you go to church in the morning you say, "Amen." Cunninghams Law - "Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong". Where do bad rainbows go? Which is faster, hot or cold? Why did the Mexican take anti-anxiety medication? NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to all the aliens… It was a bleak day when we heard about the explosion down at the animal shelter…
But what is of Cole’s Law?
It’s thinly slice cabbage and mayo.
Prism.
It's a light sentence.
Hot, because you can catch a cold
For hispanic attacks.
They are calling it Apollo G!
It was raining cats and dogs!
