Dog jokes (886 to 900)

God created the donkey & said ...

God created the donkey & said to him: “You will work unceasingly from sunrise to sunset carrying burdens on your back. You will eat grass, you will have no intelligence & you will live 50 years.
You will be a donkey. “The donkey answered: “I will be a donkey, but to live 50 years is too much. Give me only 20 years. God granted his wish.
God created the dog and said to him: "You will be a dog.” You will guard the house of man. You will be his best friend. You will eat the scraps that he gives you and you will live 25 years. You will be a dog. “The dog answered: “Master, to live 25 years is too much, you give me only 10 years. God granted his wish. God created the Monkey and said to him: “You will be a monkey.” You will swing from branch to branch doing tricks. You will be amusing and you will live 20 years. You will be a monkey. “The monkey answered: “Master to live 20 years is too much, you give me only 10 years. God granted his wish.
Finally God created the man and said to him: “You will be a man, the only rational creature on the face of the earth.” You will use your intelligence to become master over all animals. You will dominate the world and you will live 20 years. Man responded: "I will be a man but to live only 20 years is very little, give the 30 years that the donkey refused, the 15 years that the dog did not want and the 10 years the monkey refused. God granted his wish. And since then, man lives 20 years as a man, he marries and spends 30 years like a donkey, working and carrying all the burdens on his back. Then when his children are gone, he lives 15 years like a dog, taking care of the house and eating whatever is given to him, so that when he is old, he can retire and live 10 years like a monkey, going from house to house, from one son or daughter to another, doing tricks to amuse his grandchildren.

New dog breeds...

The American Kennel club has decided to recognize these new breeds of Dogs that are the result of cross breeding

Collie + Lhaso Apso: Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport.

Spitz + Chow Chow: Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up alot.

Bloodhound + Borzoi: Bloody Bore, a dog that's not much fun.

Pointer + Setter: Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet.

Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier: Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries.

Pekingese + Lhaso Apso: Peekasso, an abstract dog.

Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever: Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists.

Newfoundland + Basset Hound: Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisers.

Terrier + Bulldog: Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes.

Bloodhound + Labrador: Blabrador, a dog that barks incessantly.

Malamute + Pointer: Moot Point, owned by... oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway.

Collie + Malamute: Commute, a dog that travels to work.

Deerhound + Terrier: Derriere, a dog that's true to the end.

The blind salesman...

A lady goes into the local sporting goods store to buy a fishing rod to give to her husband for his birthday.

A salesman wearing dark glasses with a dog is behind the counter and asks, "Can I help you ma'am ?"

"Well, I'd like to buy a fishing rod, can you tell me about this one?" she answers.

The salesman replies, "I'm sorry ma'am but I am blind and can not see the rod your referring too. However, if you'll drop it on the counter I'll tell you all about it as I can tell from the sound it makes."

The lady picks up the rod, and does what he says and drops it on the counter.

He belts "That's a Zebco 2500, fiberglass, 6.5', medium action - $15."

Lady - "Wow !" She finds another and does the same.

"Thats an Orion 35C, graphite, 6', light action - best used with ultralight tackle - $20."

Very impressed the lady decides to buy the second one.

As the man is ringing up the sale, the lady makes a rather large noise as she passes gas but feels no need to apologize as the salesman is blind and has no idea who she is.

Salesman says, "That'll be $25."

"TWENTY FIVE DOLLARS !? YOU SAID $20?"

"That's right mam, $20 for the rod, $3 for the duck call, and $2 for the fish bait."

The following 15 Police Commen...

The following 15 Police Comments were taken from actual police car videos around the country. Count down to #1...

#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

# 14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the
speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

#11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can
write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

#10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think
it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

#9 "Warning! You want a warning? O. K., I'm warning you not to do that
again or I'll give you another ticket."

#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are
drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go
to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and corn dogs and step in monkey poo. "

#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

#4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"

#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

#2 "I'm glad to hear that chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal friend
of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

The envelope please.....................

AND THE WINNER IS ...



#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

The Top Ten Differences Betwee...

The Top Ten Differences Between Cats & Dogs:
10. Dogs come when you call them. Cats take a message and get back to you when they are good and ready.
9. Dogs will let you give them a bath without taking out a contract on your life.
8. Dogs will bark to wake you up if the house is on fire. Cats will quietly sneak out the back door.
7. Dogs will bring you your slippers or the evening newspaper.Cats might bring you a dead mouse.
6. Dogs will play Frisbee with you all afternoon. Cats will take a three-hour nap.
5. Dogs will sit on the car seat next to you. Cats have to have their own private box or they will not go at all.
4. Dogs will greet you and lick your face when you come home from work. Cats will be mad that you went to work at all.
3. Dogs will sit, lie down, and heel on command. Cats will smirk and walk away.
2. Dogs will tilt their heads and listen whenever you talk. Cats will yawn and close their eyes.
1. Dogs will give you unconditional love forever. Cats will make you pay for every mistake you've ever made since the day you were born.

Non-seeing Eye Dog

A blind man was seen waiting at a street corner with his guide dog. After a short wait the dog started leading the blind man across the street against the red light.

First a car comes screeching to a halt inches away from him, but still the dog leads on, then a bicyclist almost wipes them out and curses as he goes by. Finally in the last lane a truck swerves and barely misses them.

After they reach the far corner the blind man reaches in his pocket and pulls out a cookie and offers it to the guide dog. At this point another person who has watched the entire episode interrupts asking why he was rewarding the dog after the dog had endangered his life and almost got him run over by a car, bicycle and truck.

The blind man responded: "I'm not rewarding him, I'm just trying to find out which end is his head so I can kick him in the ass."

Invent Artificial Dogs

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
Sunday, November 22, 1992
Researchers at Cornell University recently patented an artificial dog that would speed up the breeding of fleas for lab use.
Previously, the lab required 25 live, severely infected dogs to breed the 12,000 fleas per day needed in studies of humans' and animals' allergic reactions to fleas.

An Amazing Talking Dog

A man and his dog walk into a bar. The man proclaims, "I'll bet you a round of drinks that my dog can talk."
Bartender: "Yeah! Sure...go ahead."
Man: "What covers a house?"
Dog: "Roof!"
Man: "How does sandpaper feel?"
Dog: "Rough!"
Man: "Who was the greatest ball player of all time?"
Dog: "Ruth!"
Man: "Pay up. I told you he could talk."
The bartender, annoyed at this point, throws both of them out the door. Sitting on the sidewalk, the dog looks at the guy and says, "or is the greatest player Mantle?"

Signs of the times....

These are supposedly actual signs. You be the judge. Whether or not they are real, they sure are funny!

In the front yard of a funeral home,
'Drive carefully, we'll wait.'

On an electrician's truck,
'Let us remove your shorts.'

Outside a radiator repair shop,
'Best place in town to take a leak.'

In a nonsmoking area,
'If we see you smoking, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.'

On a maternity room door,
'Push, Push, Push.'

On a front door,
'Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog.'

At an optometrist's office,
'If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.'

On a taxidermist's window,
'We really know our stuff.'

On a butcher's window,
'Let me meat your needs.'

On a fence,
'Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive.'

At a car dealership,
'The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.'

Outside a muffler shop,
'No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming.'

In a dry cleaner's emporium,
'Drop your pants here.'

On a desk in a reception room,
'We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left.'

In a veterinarian's waiting room,
'Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!'

In a Beauty Shop,
'Dye now!'

In a restaurant window,
'Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.'

Inside a bowling alley,
'Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.'

In a cafeteria,
'Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want.'

Question and answer animal jokes

Q: Diner: I can't eat this chicken. Call the manager.

A: Waiter: It's no use. He can't eat it either.

Q: Which side of a chicken has the most feathers?

A: The outside.

Q: What do you get when you cross a parrot with a centipede?

A: A walkie-talkie, of course.

Q: Have you heard of that disease that you get from kissing birds?

A: Chirpes. It's one of those canarial diseases. I hear it's untweetable.

Q: Why don't they play poker in the jungle?

A: Too many cheetahs.

Q: What is the difference between a cat and a comma?

A: One has the paws before the claws and the other has the clause before the pause.

Q: Where do dogs go when they lose their tails?

A: To the retail store.

Q: What kind of dog tells time?

A: A watch dog.

Ryan Hamilton: Crazy Car Dealerships

Car dealerships are the craziest. These people throw a party. Did you ever notice that? They get the streamers out. They got balloons up like theyre conducting weather experiments or something. They got the search lights out there like Batmans gonna show up and apply for credit. Theyre giving away free hot dogs like its no big deal. Yeah, Ill take a $25,000 automobile if you throw in a hot dog. You bet I will.

Sheep Herd

There was a blonde who was sick of all the blonde jokes. One day, she decided to get a make over, so she cut and dyed her hair. She went driving down a country road and came across a herd of sheep. She stopped and called the sheep herder over. "Tell you what. I have a proposition for you," said the woman.
"If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?"
"Sure," said the sheep herder. So, she sat up and looked at the herd for a second and then replied "382".
"Wow!" said the herder.
"That is exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home." So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car.
Then, the herder said, "Okay, now I have a proposition for you".
"What is it?" queried the woman.
"If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"

Seeing-eye dog

There's a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to the guy with a Chihuahua, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."

The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."

The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead." They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in.

A guy at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed."

The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The guy at the door says, "A Doberman Pinscher?"

He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good."

The guy at the door says, "Come on in."

The guy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in. The guy at the door says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."

The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The guy at the door says, "A Chihuahua?"

The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?"

Spelling...

A kindergartner was practicing spelling with magnetic letters on the refrigerator: cat, dog, dad, and mom had been proudly displayed for all to see.

One morning while getting ready for the day, he bounded into the room with his arms outstretched. In his hands were three magnetic letters: G-O-D.

"Look what I spelled, Mom!" with a proud smile on his face.

"That's wonderful!" his mom praised him. "Now go put them on the fridge so Dad can see when he gets home tonight."

The mom happily thought that her son's Catholic education was certainly having an impact.

Just then, a little voice called from the kitchen: "Mom? How do you spell 'zilla'?"

A dog went to a telegram offic...

A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof." The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price." The dog replied, "But that would make no sense at all!"