Dog jokes (1111 to 1125)

What's the difference between ...

What's the difference between getting a new husband and a new dog? A year after, the dog is still excited to see you.

As a butcher is shooing a dog ...

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please."

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop.

He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus.

The butcher follows, dumbstruck.

As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" button, then the butcher follows him off.

The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the stoop. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door.

A big guy opens it and starts cursing and pummeling the dog.

The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!"

The owner responds, "Genius? It's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"

Dalmatian's Duties...

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children began discussing the dog's duties.

"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.

"No," said another. "He's just for good luck."

A third child brought the argument to a close with this comment: "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."

Joke of the Day - What To Say ...

Joke of the Day - What To Say About That “Special” Christmas Gift

Christmas Humor

Hey! There's a gift!

Well, well, well …

Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes that would've fit.

This is perfect for wearing around the basement.

Gosh! I hope this never catches fire! It is fire season though. There are lots of unexplained fires.

If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!

I love it — but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.

Sadly, tomorrow I enter the Federal Witness Protection Program.

To think…I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.

I really don't deserve this.

It would be a shame if the garbage man ever accidentally took this from me.

Quite Funny Jokes

14 signs your Kitty wants you dead

14. Seems mighty chummy with the dog all of a sudden.

13. Unexplained calls to F. Lee Bailey's 900 number on your bill.

12. You find a stash of 'Feline of Fortune' magazines behind the couch.

11. Cyanide pawprints all over the house.

10. You wake up to find a bird's head in your bed.

9. As the wind blows over the grassy knoll in downtown Dallas, you get a faint whiff of catnip.

8. Droppings in litter box spell out 'REDRUM.'

7. Takes attentive notes every time 'Itchy and Scratchy' are on.

6. You find blueprints for a Rube Goldberg device that starts with a mouse chased into a hole and ends with flaming oil dumped on your bed.

5. Has taken a sudden interest in the wood chipper.

4. Instead of dead birds, leaves cartons of Marlboros on your doorstep.

3. Ball of yarn playfully tied into a hangman's noose.

2. You find a piece of paper labeled 'MY WIL' that reads 'LEEV AWL 2 KAT.'

1. Now sharpens claws on your car's brake lines.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE ...

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptise cats.

2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.

3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.

4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.

5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.

8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandad's lap.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jelly to a tree.

2) Wrinkles don't hurt.

3) Families are like fudge . . .mostly sweet, with a few nuts.

4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.

5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.

6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD:

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.

7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.

2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.

3) You are Santa Claus.

4) You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . . not peeing in your pants.

At age 12 success is . . . having friends.

At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.

At age 20 success is . . . having sex.

At age 35 success is . . . having money.

At age 50 success is . . . having money.

At age 60 success is . . . having sex.

At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.

At age 75 success is . . . having friends.

At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.

Whatever women do they must do...

Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
--Charlotte Whitton

Guys are like dogs. They keep coming back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time...they're gone.
--Lenny Bruce

I love women. They're the best thing ever created. If they want to be like men and come down to our level, that's fine.
--Mel Gibson

I wonder why it is, that young men are always cautioned against bad girls. Anyone can handle a bad girl. It's the good girls men should be warned against.
--David Niven

One of the most difficult things in the world is to convince a woman that even a bargain costs money.
--Edgar Watson Howe

Brigands demand your money or your life; women require both.
--Samuel Butler

What is Hell?

One day...

What is Hell?

One day a man arrives at the gates of hell. Of course the poor soul gets to meet mister Devil himself. Having had a life full of sin, he gets the choice of spending eternity in either one of three rooms.

The Devil leads him to the first room. As the door opens the man sees a freezing cold chamber. A group of people stands shivering in the middle of the room, desperately trying to deny that the temperature is way below zero. Let's go to the next room, the man says, "I like eternity to be a little warmer."

The Devil takes him to the next room. In there everything is burning. Even standing outside the man feels the steaming heat. "Naaaah", he says," I don't want eternity to be that hot, let's go to the last room, Mr. Diabolo!."

The third room looks a lot more interesting. Standing in dog poop to their knees a group of peopl are drinking coffee. "Now that's nice", the man exclaims," Eternity should be nice drinking coffee. I think I'll get used to the stink. So Mr. Devil, I'd like to stay here for the next three million years!." As said, it is done. The devil leaves with his well-known sardonic smile and the man drinks coffee standing in the shit. "Not too bad", he thinks. But after a while a buzzer begins to buzz. A voice speaks through a speaker: Coffee-break is over. Go stand on your head again !

A little girl asked her ...

A little girl asked her mum if she could take her dog for a walk around the block?"

Mum replies, "No, because she's on heat."

What's that mean?" asked the child.

Mum replies, "Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, can I take Fluffy for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on heat, and to come to you."

Dad replies, "Bring Fluffy over here darling."

Dad take a rag, soaked it with petrol, and scrubs the dog's backside with it and says, "Okay darling, you can go now, but keep Fluffy on the leash and only go one time around the block."

The little girl leaves, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.

Surprised, Dad asks, "Darling, where's Fluffy?

The little girl replies, "Daddy, she ran out of petrol about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

I Don't Speak Dog

A guy gets a new dog, a nice Jewish dog. He names the dog Einstein and trains Einstein to do a couple of tricks. He can't wait to show Einstein off to his neighbor. A few weeks later when the neighbor finally comes over, the guy calls Einstein into the house, bragging about how smart he is.

The dog quickly comes running and stands looking up at his master, tail wagging excitedly, mouth open, tongue hanging out, eyes bright with anticipation. The guy points to the newspaper on the couch and commands "Fetch!"Immediately, the dog climbs onto the couch and sits, his tail wagging furiously. Then all of a sudden, he stops. His doggie smile disappears. He starts to frown and puts on a sour face. Looking up at his master, he whines, "You think this is easy, wagging my tail all the time? Oy vey ... And you think it's easy eating that junk that you call designer dog food? Forget it ... it's too salty and it gives me gas. It's disgusting I tell you!"

The neighbor is absolutely amazed ... stunned. In astonishment, he says, "I can't believe it. Einstein can speak. Your dog actually talks. You asked him to fetch the newspaper and he is sitting on the sofa talking to us."

"I know, I know," says the dog owner. "He's not yet fully trained. He thought I said kvetch."

Asteroid Hits The Earth

Top Advantages of An Asteroid Really Hitting Earth

1. For starters, you'd be able to surf in South Dakota.
   
   
2. Wouldn't have to hear that garbage Aerosmith song anymore.
   
   
3. The one dinosaur on the planet (here's a clue..he's purple) would be extinct.
   
   
4. We'd miss out on Tony Danza's or Jenny McCarthy's next sitcom.
   
   
5. Puts a major damper on that Molly Hatchet/Judas Priest reunion tour.
   
   
6. Pretty good chance that the Gorditas Dog from the Taco Bell commercials wouldn't survive.
   
   
7. There'd be no more movies on the topic, that's for sure.
   
   

Funny bumper stickers....

'Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.'

'Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death'

'Cover me. I'm changing lanes.'

'As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools'

'The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.'

'Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.'

'Conserve toilet paper, use both sides.'

'REHAB is for quitters'

'I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!'

'Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep'

'I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather....Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car....'

'Montana --- At least our cows are sane!'

'I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.'

'I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!'

'According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.'

'Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.'

'A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.'

'How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?'

'I'm not as think as you drunk I am'

'Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal !'

'He who laughs last thinks slowest'

'Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.'

'Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.'

'Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.'

'Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone,somewhere may be happy.'

'Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.'

'i souport publik edekasion'

'We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimulated.'

'Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.'

'Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...'

'3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.'

'Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?'

'Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?'

'2 + 2 =5 for extremely large values of 2.'

Auntie Em: Hate you, Hate Kansas, Taking the dog. -Dorothy.'

Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.

Scary Collection 21

A ghost joke

What do ghosts have in the seats of their cars?

Sheet belts!


A ghost joke

What kind of girl does a mummy take on a date?

Any old girl he can dig up!


A cannibal joke

Why did the Scottish cannibal live on a sugar plantation?

He said ''So that I can feed my lads with m'lasses!


A cannibal joke

Why would the cannibal only eat babies?

He was on a diet!


A ghost joke

Where do ghosts go on holiday?

The Ghosta Brava!


A vampire joke

Why wouldn't the vampire eat his soup?

It clotted!


A skeleton joke

Why did the skeleton run up a tree?

Because a dog was after his bones!

How do you make a hot dog stan...

How do you make a hot dog stand?