Drinks jokes (166 to 180)

Worms

Little Johnny watched the science teacher start the experiment with the worms. Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.
After one day, these were the results:
The first worm in alcohol - dead.
Second worm in cigarette smoke - dead.
Third worm in sperm - dead.
Fourth worm in soil - alive.
So the Science teacher asked the class - "What can you learn from this experiment."

Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said - "As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms."      

Back in the Cold War days, Iva

Back in the Cold War days, Ivan was a diplomat and spy. He was new to the USA and lived in Washington, D.C. After six months he complained to Boris, his aide, that he needed a woman.
Boris dropped off a high-priced hooker at his door the following Saturday night. Ivan plied her with some vodka and caviar. As she took off her top, he noticed that her armpits were shaved. He said, pointing top his own pits, "Vomen in the old country have wool – they have wool!"
She responded, "In the U.S. it's customary and fashionable to shave our underarms."
They drank more vodka and ate more caviar. She removed her slacks and he noticed that her legs are shaved also.
He repeated, "Vomen in the old country have wool – they have wool!"
Once more, she said, "In the U.S. it's customary and fashionable to shave our legs."
After more vodka and caviar, he pulled down her panties and saw that her privates were trimmed. He exclaimed again, "Vomen in the old country have wool – they have wool!"
She then asked in loud voice, "Look buddy, did you want to screw or knit?"

A parrot flies into a bar and

A parrot flies into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives the parrot a drink.
The parrot complains: "Hey! You forgot the little umbrella!"
The bartender puts the little umbrella into the drink and the parrot is satisfied.
The parrot drinks a couple more drinks and then leaves.
After the parrot has left, a man sitting next to it says to the bartender: "Huh, I've never seen anything like that before!"
The bartender replies: "So! Anyone can forget the little umbrella sometimes!"

You Might Be a Cop if... You Might Be a Cop if...
1. People shout, "I didn't do it!" when you walk into a room.
2. Your idea of a good time is an armed robbery at shift change.
3. You disbelieve 90% of what you hear and 75% of what you see.
4. You believe the government should require a permit to reproduce.
5. You believe prozac should be added regularly to the water system.
6. When you mention vegetables, you're not referring to the food group.
7. You want to hold a seminar entitled "Suicide - getting it right the first time."
8. You call for a criminal record check on anyone who seems friendly toward you.
9. You believe anyone who says, "I only had two beers" is going to blow over 150.
10. You walk into places and people think it's high comedy to seize a co-worker and shout, "They've come to get you...".

#joke #food #drinks #beer

My First Shot

Took my first shot today! So excited, and my next one is in 2 weeks.
It was a hard choice with so many options.
I chose the tequila one.

During the Klondike gold rush,

During the Klondike gold rush, a prospector came down from the mountains into a little one horse town. Finding a saloon, he says to the saloon keeper, "Give me a bottle of whiskey and a woman!"
The saloon keeper explains to the prospector that there are no women in this town, but some should arrive soon.
"Well what can I do for some pleasure around here?" inquired the prospector.
"If you really feel you must, there's Old Joe. He said, pointing to a toothless old man sitting near the end of the bar.
"No way," said the prospector, "I don't go for that kind of sex." He took his bottle of whiskey and left.
One year later the prospector came back to the same saloon, walking up to the bar he shouts, "A bottle of whiskey and a woman!"
To which the saloon keeper says, "No women have arrived yet but Old Joe is still here."
Grabbing the whiskey he storms out of the saloon saying, "I don't go for that kind of sex!"
Well it's one year later and the prospector returns to the saloon, nervous and shaky he pleads to the saloon keeper for a bottle of whiskey and a woman. The saloon keeper again explains there is plenty of whiskey on hand, but that no women have arrived in town yet. "But Old Joe is still here," he says motioning towards the old man sitting at the end of the bar.
"I don't go for that kind of sex," replied the prospector.
Exasperated, the prospector starts drinking his whiskey. When about half of the bottle is gone he calls the bartender over and asks, "If I should decide to fuck Old Joe, who all would know about it?"
The bartender says, "I'll know about it, and so will those six big lumber jacks playing poker at the table over there."
"Why do they have to know?" asked the prospector.
"You will need all six of them to hold Old Joe down... You see Old Joe doesn't go for that kind of sex either."

Trevor's New Year's Eve part

Trevor's New Year's Eve party was an annual occurrence with numerous guests arriving. During the evening, a man knocked on the door, was greeted heartily although no one knew who he was, and was led to where the drinks were, in the kitchen. He sat there happily, chatting away, for a couple of hours before a strange light dawned on his face.
"You know," he confided to Trevor, "I wasn't even invited to this party. I just came over to tell you that some of your guests' cars are blocking my drive."
He continued, "My wife's been sitting out in the car waiting for me to get them moved, so that we can go out."

A milkman who is dying in the

A milkman who is dying in the hospital is surrounded his two sons, daughter and his wife and nurse.
Says to his eldest son: "To you, Peter, I leave the Beverly terrace."
"To you, my dear daughter, I leave the apartments in the High street Plaza."
"To you, Charlie, being my youngest son with a large future, I leave the City Centre offices."
"And you, my dear wife, the three residential buildings towers in down town."
The nurse, impressed, tells his wife: "Madam, your husband is very rich. He is bequeathing many properties! You all are so lucky!!"
And the wife retorts: "Rich? Lucky?? Are you kidding??!! Those are his routes where he delivers milk!"

A husband and wife are sitting

A husband and wife are sitting on the couch watching TV. The wife looks at the husband and he is staring at the ceiling above her head, she looks up and asks, "What are you staring at?"
"A spider," he replies.
"I don't see anything," she says.
"Oh, it must have fallen on your head," he said calmly.
The wife jumps up screaming...
The man says, "While you're up, can you get me another beer?"

Two longtime friends sipped Sc

Two longtime friends sipped Scotch in a local bar and talked about their troubles.
"And on top of everything else," said the first, "my wife has cut me down to just once a week."
"That's too bad," agreed his friend, "but it could be worse. I know two guys she's cut off altogether."

A man who smelled like a disti

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seatnext to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face wasplastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin wassticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaperand began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled guy turnedto the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
"My son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wickedwomen, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man andapologized. "I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong.How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

A man has been in hospital for

A man has been in hospital for a month. One day, he's so sick and tired of being in hospital that he sneaks out and down to the nearest pub. He orders a beer and swallows the lot in ten seconds flat. He then orders a second beer and does the same. Then a third and a fourth.
As he orders a fifth beer, he says to the barman, "I shouldn't be drinking this with what I've got."
The barman gasps in alarm, "What have you got?" To which the hospital patient replies, "I've got no money."

One Cup Every Morning

I have one cup of coffee every morning to start the day off right...
The other ones are to keep me out of jail, help me form sentences, and fuel my razor sharp wit!

This guy was watching TV as hi

This guy was watching TV as his wife was out cutting the grass during the hot summer. He finally worked up the energy to go out and ask his wife what was for supper.
Well, his missus was quite irritated about him sitting in the air conditioned house all day while she did all the work, so she scolded him. "I can't believe you're asking me about supper right now! Imagine I'm out of town, go inside and figure dinner out yourself."
So he went back in the house and fixed himself a big steak, with potatoes, garlic bread and tall glass of iced tea.
The wife finally walked in about the time he was finishing up and asked him, "You fixed something to eat? So where is mine?"
"Huh? I thought you were out of town."

The "Claven Theory" offers the

The "Claven Theory" offers the besy proof that beer actually does make you smarter....."One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. and here's how it went:Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
Don't you feel smarter after a few?